Christmas Cheer

11-22-11

Ah yes, the smell of seasons is here. Nothing more pungent than the frosty scent of pine against our noses. Over-joyous grandparents waddle towards children, both dressed in festive holiday garb. Ho ho ho, and a flashing Rudolph pasted atop a dark green sweat shirt. And lights? Oh yes, there are lights. Those neon blue and red, crisp white, and of course, the Santa atop the roof. Think about these lights for a second. Imagine your eye-balls popping out away from your sockets. The lights are blinding you, but you can’t look away. Feel your eyes right now. Think about the back of your eyes. Now imagine a needle against the flesh of your eye. It pushes with enough force to dent, yet not to tear into your eye-ball. The slippery surface of your eye threatens to give in to the dagger. Now you’re inside your eye. You look through the window that is your eye. Knock knock knock. You hit the inside of your eye for attention. It’s made of glass. You take your shoe off and shatter that glass; falling from your eye and onto the frozen cement. The holiday lights flash and dance atop your splattered body.

Holliday cheer, loved ones are near. All of my family is joyous tonight. My sister with her new husband, and child on the way. My brother with his blonde haired, plastic girlfriend pretending to understand Christmas. Parents and Grandparents re-igniting dimming flames. They all converse and laugh with turkey in their mouths. A nose tickle here, a thigh squeeze there. Everyone’s loved ones are near them tonight. All but mine. I sit in the corner of the table, softly laughing along. I play their game, for a true master knows how to blend. My brother asks me about my love life; I tell him its amazing. I lie. I move myself to the living room, away from the noise. Underneath the glowing tree sits red and blue wrapping paper filled with gifts. A meek attempt to win affection. My family doesn’t understand what true love for another person is. If they did, they wouldn’t put so much emphasis on one day of the year. Instead, they would have dinner, and talk to one another every day of the year. A simple concept, so easily attainable for them. Yet not so much for me.

The house is too warm, and the frigged air sounds much better. The door softly closes behind me. I begin to walk down the icy path to nowhere, passing carolers and dogs on my way. Nearly two years ago I met someone that never left me. And all I can think about when I see these bright Christmas lights against this house, are memories of her. Bright white lights pierce my retina and remind me of her soft glowing hair. Neon blue shines like her eyes against the night sky. Green reminds me of nothing, and in doing so, reminds me completely of her. For when I see green, I think to myself “green doesn’t have anything to do with her.” There I go again, thinking about her, when I’m trying not to. Red lights stab my eyes with the haunting memory of what she last wore. A red tank-top, white shorts, and nothing much else.

My feet become tired, so I sit down on the park bench. No one here. Everyone’s at home with their loved ones. Where am I? At a park, alone. Where is my loved one? About four years away. These Christmas lights make me want to stab my eye with a needle. Anything to stop the pulsing memory. Should I stop it? I don’t want to… I have no choice. Never will I be free from her. Just the way I want It.

I get up from the bench and walk through the playground. There’s a shoe under the swing here, and a hat in the slide there. Sand turns to wood chips. I walk up the steep hill and come to the opening of the pine tree farm; acres and acres of twists and turns. I know I’ll get lost. I turn my head and take one last look at the neighborhood of bright houses. Smoke rises from the chimneys, windows glow with warm yellow light. The lights are flashing against the back of my eyes. F**k it. I turn and face the trees again. Without hesitation, I enter the maze. So long sadness. Hello despair.

Fancy seeing you here. I never knew you had a Siamese moustache. Where’d you get it? From a brown panda bear you say. Interesting. Ouch, why’d you hit me. Don’t do that. Ouch! I’m gonna tell my family. What? No they haven’t. Yes they do. Don’t talk about her, you don’t know what you’re talking about. I said shut up! I’m not sick. She is real, I swear. She is real. Isn’t she? NO, shut up. You’re confusing me. How do I use it? I just turn this here, and I can go see her? You don’t understand, she isn’t far in distance; she’s far away in time from me. You do know? I can be with her, are you serious? Just in time for the holidays! Bye everyone! *turns the stop watch half past midnight

The new-born cannot see the red, for his eyes are sealed. The clock spins me into the past and back to where I belong. Her laugh fills my ears once more. I smile from the warmest part of my soul; the part that had not frozen over yet. And just like that, happiness is there again. Fancy seeing you here, happiness.

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[AHulett]

Time machine!