Missing the Connection

Missing the Connection

She stood by the kitchen window, watching the crowd of families and friends visiting the new neighbour across the street. She found herself drawn to the window several times throughout the day, each time hearing a group of people stopping by. It was heartening to see such support and care for one another. Apparently this lady had survived a serious road accident and was now recovering after a lengthy hospital stay.

As she watched the steady stream of visitors, she couldn’t help but miss her own family and friends back home. She imagined how different it would be if she had returned home permanently. Two years ago she had moved to this new place on  deputation.

Life in this new city was rich in opportunity, but it felt different. She lived in a serviced apartment  with her husband provided by their company, as was often the case for people in good careers with temporary assignments.  They were former colleagues who fell in love and married.

 She sometimes felt like their life was suspended in time, not quite theirs, as if they were waiting to "wind up" and return to something more permanent. The people she worked with were in similar situations, living away from home with little clarity about whether this lifestyle was sustainable in the long term.

Whenever she felt this way, her mind would start running through different scenarios. She’d plan for her next vacation back home what gifts to take for each family member, how to help both sides of the family financially, and how she would care for their aging parents. She felt fortunate that their success allowed them to ease some of the burdens at home. 

She dreamed of spending time with her childhood friends, reconnecting with old relatives, and simply enjoy  being home.

The excitement of planning her trip helped her feel better, and the rest of the day would pass with her heart lifted, believing that life wasn’t all that sad after all.

A few months later, she and her family packed their bags and headed back to their hometown. She messaged her relatives to share her plans, thrilled that everyone would be available, and imagining the happy days they would spend together.

Back home, the family greeted her with warmth. There were gatherings, events, and marriages to attend. She spent time with old friends, enjoyed the comfort of family, and did everything she had imagined during her planning. The days passed, but something started to shift felt otherwise.

The events and get-togethers felt layered with emotions. At first, they were about reunion and joy, but over time, a sense of deeper complexity emerged. Her relationships with her family was subtly changing. While they had once been centered around fun and shared memories, they now felt more serious, with a clearer awareness of the challenges everyone had faced in her absence.

Her parents and siblings had not shared all their struggles with her. Despite her frequent phone calls from abroad, there were many things she hadn’t known until now. Achievements, hardships, illnesses but particularly  about helping in their  difficult times.

She began to feel a growing unease. Had her family distanced themselves from her? Was she not doing enough for them? She often found herself asking, Did I forget something important? Had I failed in some way? It was always known that she and her husband  would shift away for work ,it was a great opportunity, and anyone in their position would have taken it. But now, as she learned more about her family’s and in-laws struggles, she wondered if she had missed something crucial by being away so much.

Her vacations back home had always been carefully planned, with family events and quality time. She had always tried to stay involved and maintain harmony, even when living far away. She’d invited relatives to visit her in the cities where she worked, and they’d returned the favor, showing the same care and affection. But this time, something felt different. She hadn’t sensed it during their phone calls, but now, face-to-face, the distance was apparent.

Her family seemed closer to each other, supporting one another in ways she hadn’t been part of. There were inside talks and shared knowledge about each other's lives that she didn’t understand. Some family members had changed jobs, and others had gone through relationship breakups. She was just now learning about these events that had been unfolding in her absence.

 It was as if everyone else had grown closer while she had stayed disconnected, left to catch up after the fact.

One evening, her twin sister mentioned that she had visited a relative during a family member’s illness and recovery. The news left her feeling unsettled, she had had  no idea. Another family member had gone through a major life change, and she was only hearing about it now, long after it had happened. Even her husband's side of the family seemed to be managing without them, with updates that felt unfamiliar.

 She was happy to hear that everyone was healthy, or recovering and surrounded by dear ones, but there was a lingering sadness ..she had missed out on so much.

She stayed in her hometown a few days longer, continuing to fulfill her role as caretaker and family member, but the distance felt more pronounced. 

Her husband and  had gone back abroad. She had stayed behind for her mothers cataract surgery and for a marriage function of a relative of her husband. Her determination to help and support her loved ones felt insignificatnt somehow. It seemed like her familes had begun to manage without missing  her. 

They were no longer as eager to include her in their lives the way they once had. Conversations  with in laws no longer revolved around her, instead, they spoke of their own plans and experiences, leaving her feeling like an outsider in her own family.

Her time at home had left her feeling conflicted. She had been part of their lives for so long, but now, there was this quiet sense of being "out of sight, out of mind." Perhaps it was a natural part of growing, families change, people adapt…. Maybe it was a sign that she needed to detach from old expectations and focus on building a support system where she now lived.

 She wondered if she was emotionally immature for still depending so heavily on her family.

Brooding over these thoughts had become part of her routine. This visit was meant to recharge her, to reconnect with the people she loved, but it left her feeling emotionally drained. 

The world she lived for work whenever she would return to will continue to be a world of numbers, targets, and work pressures, she felt increasingly foreign to.

In an attempt to make sense of her disturbed thinking, she started writing, her thoughts in her diary. She needed clarity, a way to process everything that had shifted in her relationships.

Is it time to detach? she asked herself.

Do your duties without expecting any token back  ?

Should you be close, but not too dependent on anyone for your  emotional fulfillment?

She realized, perhaps for the first time, that her folks no longer needed her as much as they once had. They had learned to help themselves, to take care of each other. May be it was time for her to accept that her role had changed, and that she no longer be the "go-to" person.

Perhaps it was a lesson in letting go, of making people rely on you? There is always the need to change to upcycle your attitude in finding peace with change… Even when you are able to help and feel useful don’t let that bring solace to you? She continued writing and words were helping her seek out clarity not entirely but slowly helping her with more perspectives in the varied layers in missing the connection.   

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