Missing the Connection

Missing the Connection

She stood by the kitchen window, watching the crowd of families and friends visiting the new neighbour across the street. She found herself drawn to the window several times throughout the day, each time hearing a group of people stopping by. It was heartening to see such support and care for one another. Apparently this lady had survived a serious road accident and was now recovering after a lengthy hospital stay.

As she watched the steady stream of visitors, she couldn’t help but miss her own family and friends back home. She imagined how different it would be if she had returned home permanently. Two years ago she had moved to this new place on  deputation.

Life in this new city was rich in opportunity, but it felt different. She lived in a serviced apartment  with her husband provided by their company, as was often the case for people in good careers with temporary assignments.  They were former colleagues who fell in love and married.

 She sometimes felt like their life was suspended in time, not quite theirs, as if they were waiting to "wind up" and return to something more permanent. The people she worked with were in similar situations, living away from home with little clarity about whether this lifestyle was sustainable in the long term.

Whenever she felt this way, her mind would start running through different scenarios. She’d plan for her next vacation back home what gifts to take for each family member, how to help both sides of the family financially, and how she would care for their aging parents. She felt fortunate that their success allowed them to ease some of the burdens at home. 

She dreamed of spending time with her childhood friends, reconnecting with old relatives, and simply enjoy  being home.

The excitement of planning her trip helped her feel better, and the rest of the day would pass with her heart lifted, believing that life wasn’t all that sad after all.

A few months later, she and her husband packed their bags for a  few weeks of vaccation to their hometown. She messaged her relatives to share her plans, thrilled that everyone would be available, and imagining the happy days they would spend together.

Back home, the family greeted her with warmth. The weeks ahead were packed with  gatherings, events, and marriages to attend. She spent time with old friends, enjoyed the comfort of family, and did everything she had imagined during her planning. 

The events and get-togethers felt layered with emotions, at first, they were about reunion and joy then the days passed. But something started to shift, felt otherwise over time, a sense of deeper complexity emerged. Her relationships with her family was subtly changing. 

While they had once been centered around fun and shared memories, they now felt more serious. While talking things and talks kept surfacing  which hinted and she got aware of the challenges everyone had faced in her absence and moreover they were not for just once or twice.

Her parents and siblings had not shared all their struggles with her. Despite her frequent phone calls from abroad, there were many things she hadn’t known until now. Achievements, hardships, illnesses but particularly instances about being there as a family member would and helping in their difficult times.

She began to feel a growing unease. Had her family distanced themselves from her? Was she not doing enough for them? She often found herself asking, Did I forget something important about anyone in the family? Had I failed in some way? It was always known that she and her husband  would shift away for work ,it was a great opportunity, and anyone in their position would have taken it. But now, as she learned more about her family’s and in-laws struggles and activities, she wondered if she had missed something crucial by being away so much.

Her vacations back home had always been carefully planned, with family events and quality time. She had always tried to stay involved and maintain harmony, even when living far away. She’d invited relatives to visit her in the cities where she worked, and they’d returned the favor, showing the same care and affection. But this time, something felt different. She hadn’t sensed it during their phone calls, but now, face-to-face, the distance was apparent.

Her family seemed closer to each other, supporting one another in ways she hadn’t been part of. There were inside talks and shared knowledge about each other's lives that she didn’t understand. Some family members had changed jobs, and others had gone through relationship breakups. She was just now learning about these events that had been unfolding in her absence.

 It was as if everyone else had grown closer while she had stayed disconnected, left to catch up after the fact.

One evening, her twin sister mentioned that she had visited a relative during a family member’s illness and recovery. The news left her feeling unsettled, she had had  no idea. Another family member had gone through a major life change, and she was only hearing about it now, long after it had happened. Even her husband's side of the family seemed to be managing without them, with updates that felt unfamiliar.

 She was happy to hear that everyone was healthy, or recovering and surrounded by dear ones, but there was a lingering sadness ..she had missed out on so much.

She stayed in her hometown a few days longer, continuing to fulfill her role as caretaker and family member, but the distance felt more pronounced. 

Her husband and  had gone back abroad. She had stayed behind for her mothers cataract surgery and for a marriage function of a relative of her husband. Her determination to help and support her loved ones felt insignificatnt somehow. It seemed like her familes had begun to manage without missing  her. 

They were no longer as eager to include her in their lives the way they once had. Conversations  with in laws no longer revolved around her, instead, they spoke of their own plans and experiences, leaving her feeling like an outsider in her own family.

Her time at home had left her feeling conflicted. She had been part of their lives for so long, but now, there was this quiet sense of being "out of sight, out of mind." Perhaps it was a natural part of growing, families change, people adapt…. Maybe it was a sign that she needed to detach from old expectations and focus on building a support system where she now lived.

 She wondered if she was emotionally immature for still depending so heavily on her family.

Brooding over these thoughts had become part of her routine. This visit was meant to recharge her, to reconnect with the people she loved, but it left her feeling emotionally drained. 

The world she lived for work whenever she would return to will continue to be a world of numbers, targets, and work pressures, she felt increasingly foreign to.

In an attempt to make sense of her disturbed thinking, she started writing, her thoughts in her diary. She needed clarity, a way to process everything that had shifted in her relationships.

Is it time to detach? she asked herself.

Do your duties without expecting any token back  ?

Should you be close, but not too dependent on anyone for your  emotional fulfillment?

She realized, perhaps for the first time, that her folks no longer needed her as much as they once had. They had learned to help themselves, to take care of each other. May be it was time for her to accept that her role had changed, and that she no longer be the "go-to" person.

Perhaps it was a lesson in letting go, of making people rely on you? There is always the need to change to upcycle your attitude in finding peace with change… Even when you are able to help and feel useful don’t let that bring solace to you? She continued writing and words were helping her seek out clarity not entirely but slowly helping her with more perspectives in the varied layers in missing the connection.   

.                                                                                                                                                                     

Reviews

[Fabian G. Franklin]

The "missed" connection here seems a double entendre; both missing as the longing produced by absence and missing in the context of not quite hitting the mark of self expectations. I think we come to a point in life when we seriously begin to arrange our priorities for our peace and well-being. I enjoyed your story; very well written and relatable.

[Aarti Sriram]

Thankyou Fabian for reading and kindly reviewing this piece. Yes the missing aspects here are a bit of both, missing as in self expectations and the absence as you correctly point out.

[Yağmur]

Have you ever read the thoughts of Ram Dass on attachment? Your work has a lot of reminders of peace through being unattached and yet not detached.

[Coyote Poetry]

The below lines. We will ask ourselves often Aarti.
"Is it time to detach? she asked herself.
Do your duties without expecting any token back ?
Should you be close, but not too dependent on anyone for your emotional fulfillment?
She realized, perhaps for the first time, that her folks no longer needed her as much as they once had. They had learned to help themselves, to take care of each other. May be it was time for her to accept that her role had changed, and that she no longer be the "go-to" person."
I was a soldier for 15 years. I came home and I was a stranger now. We do change. I do believe we must give back to the people who raised-us up and made us strong. I enjoyed the story. You made the reader think and ponder many things.
Coyote

[Aarti Sriram]

Thankyou dear@Coyote for sharing your thoughts. Respects to a soldier always! You share an important message to give back time and love to family. Good wishes to you and thankyou for encouraging dear!

[Marie]

I feel most people will be able to relate to your wonderful story, dear Aarti. Those who have siblings are able to leave home and get on with their lives and their family learn to live without depending on them to be there for them. They learn to cope without them and that is a blessing for the one who has left home because they are able to get on with and live their life to the full. In contrast, where there is only one child in a family, she cannot do the things she wants to do when she is young and they are old. She cannot live her dreams, they must be put on a shelf for later. She cannot move too far away from home, they may need her. So, she lives her life close to them, always there for them and sure in the knowledge that when they have passed, she will be free to get on with her life and take her dreams down from the shelf and live them. Sadly, this does not always work out, because by the time her parents have died, she is too old to live her dreams, to live her life in another country as she always wanted. Yes, there is great comfort in the fact that she was always there for them and took the greatest good care of them, but at what cost? She HAD to be there for them, because if she wasn't, there was nobody else the to help in any way. So, the lady in the story was truly blessed in that she was able to get on with her life, because there were others there to take care of those who needed to be taken care of and without any qualms whatever she was able to live exactly how she wished to. A v-e-r-y powerfully penned write, dear Aarti. Both thought provoking and insightful and I so enjoyed reading! Thank you for sharing, dear Aarti... Lovely work!

[Aarti Sriram]

Dear Marie, you rightly point out a very important angle to the story. No doubt the lady in the story truly got to live her life on her terms, she also had a good career as well. The distance in the relationship starts widening right from the first departure very early on away from her family. It was a deferred realisation for her in this case. Although usually our beautiful folks at home always shower love and try their best to cover up any gaps that show any partiality. But this is a sad turn of life for one of the children being away from their family especially from their parents. As you point out for a single child there is not much of a personal life at all speaking from my own family experiences. They usually end up compartmentalising their entire life for their parents, their children, spouse and their own career leaving a very small margin to accommodate for his/her desirable life. And in most cases the parent also gets used being on the side of this child and feeling more and more comfortable only around them especially as they age. Thankfyou very much as always Marie for adding your very insightful review here dear.

[Marie]

A very warm heartfelt Thank you! for your most kind and beautiful response, dear Aarti. I can see the situation from the lady's view in the story also. It is not good to have someone depending on you for anything. It is so much better to teach them how to do what they want to do for themselves, that way they are not reliant on anybody else. The weekly calls and visits should be enough to keep the family together surely, but that is only a view from the outside for me, as an only child who has no family other than my own children who are so busy getting on with their lives, and though they all live locally, the little visits and phone calls keep us glued together like cement because I understand only too well for them and have always given them the freedom to enjoy! Your writes are always a beautiful breath of fresh air, dear Aarti. Thank you so very much for sharing them with us. Always a privilege to read...

[Aarti Sriram]

Welcome dear Marie. It feels loved to get wholesome reviews with different perspectives. You present matured views of life. Wishing you lovely family bonding times in a way which befits you all the best. And I cannot agree more about being independent and relying as less on others for each others benefits. Have a beautiful day my dear, thankyou for all the time and the real experiences which you share. Very helpful Marie.

[Marie]

Good morning, dear Aarti and thank you for your kind words. I wish you a very blessed, joyful and wonderful day to enjoy, dear friend 🙏

[Marina]

This is a very relatable circumstance, Aarti. Family dynamics can change rapidly as we progress through different stages of life. This is especially apparent when one gets married, leaves home, moves abroad etc. While they remain loved and missed, the family just tends to get on with their lives in the absence. It becomes a bit of a shock when you return to the fold and find life has changed and feels unlike it did before. Families, individuals….they just evolve to the circumstances and carry on with those who remain close by. It’s quite a conundrum and the feelings of the narrator are well defined and very true to life. I think writing things down definitely does help one get a sense of clarity and perhaps answers on how to deal with the change.

A well written story and one that many will find very relatable. ❤️

[Aarti Sriram]

True as you state its quite a conundrum as you sum up well about family dynamics dear. And writing does help bring clarity and structure to thoughts. Thankyou for a supportive review dear Marina.