A Time to Die

Shawn entered the house quietly. Terese's car was gone, but Adam's was still there. He hoped Adam wasn't up--he was in no mood to talk. He quickly made his way up to his room and lay down across the bed. 

He didn't pick up his razor blade. This was too much; a few cuts could not get rid of this pain. He was a freak--a monster: something out of horror movie. The girl he had staked so many hopes on--he berated himself for being such an idiot--had screamed at the sight of him. Of all things, a Bible verse his Uncle Scott used to quote drifted through his head. "What is your life? It is but a vapor that appears for a little time and vanishes away." Sounded about right. What point did his life have? He had no future. He had no friends. He had no real family. It was enough. He couldn't take it any more. He went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and saw there, in his eyes, a deadness. He wasn't crying. He wasn't sick. He knew what he had to do. He wasn't even scared. He had thought about it many times, but now he was determined. He did not want to see another dawn. He dug through his drawers until he found paper and a pen. Adam and Terese,I am sorry. I had to do this... He closed off, then, thought again and added a final note. Maybe now you can adopt some poor Haitian orphan who will love you like you deserve. He put it on his pillow--they'd find it in the morning--put up his hood, and softly went down the stairs. At the door, he quickly and quietly disabled the alarm long enough to slip out.

He walked down the street. There was no hurry. He knew the place. No one would be there this late. He was still in his goth outfit. It felt right--the spikes, the black, the upturned collar--they all spoke of pain and anger. He pulled out his phone, and stuck in his earbuds. Devil Child by the The Nephilem screamed into his ear as he turned off the sidewalk on to the jogging trail. Tear out my heart, I don't give a damn...I've the keys of hell, and we're both going down. 

He soon reached the joggers' overpass. He walked out to the center and looked down. It was perfect. The lights were all low enough that no one could see him up there, and the traffic was heavy enough that, even if the fall didn't kill him, he'd be dead within seconds. He carefully climbed over the railing to the little lip on the other side. He looked out across the city spread out before him. He looked up at the stars, all hazy in the city light. 

"'The world that always hated me'," he murmured. "Well, I hope you're all happy! You've all killed me!" He screamed at the lights, then let go of the railing.

And at that moment, two arms hooked under his armpit, hauling him backwards, over the railing, to where he landed-- rather painfully, on the jogging path. His assailant  grabbed both his wrists and held him down. 

"Let me go!" He screamed at whoever it was.

"Not on your life." It was a girl--a bloody strong girl too! He twisted and struggled, but she held fast. "Now," She said once he stopped struggling. "You're coming with me."

Shawn's heart was pounding so hard that it hurt. He let her lead him away, but when she came to a parked car, he balked. "I'll go home. I'm okay now." He said rather gruffly, trying to hide how shaken he was. 

"Nope. I can't let you go like this. We've got to talk."

"No we don't. You attacked me. I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Then I can call the police and tell them what I just saw you try to do. The choice is yours, but I'm not letting you go." Her grip was like iron. If she had his left, he could just run and leave her with the arm, but she had his right and there was no way to twist free. He finally let her get him into the car and started it up. "That door won't unlock from your side, so don't get any ideas." She said sharply as they pulled away from the curb.

Shawn stared at the road in front of them as they passed under the overpass. Had he just almost...He shook his head. He was alive. He wasn't sure if he was relieved or just shocked. He looked at the girl driving. She was around his age, short, but fit, not especially pretty or unique looking. How had she managed to lift him over the railing? There was no way she was that strong.

"Why did you stop me?" He asked barely above a whisper after they'd been driving some time.

"Anyone would have. What on earth drove you to that?" He could hear the panic in her voice and see her hands shaking on the wheel.

Shawn closed his eyes. "You'll see."

When they finally pulled up behind an apartment building, the girl took a deep breath, then turned to Shawn. "If I unlock your door, will you come with me or run?"

"I'm not going to run." In fact, he was trembling so badly that he feared he would fall if he tried. "What's with this car's locks?" She ignored the question, hit the unlock for his side, and made her way around to where she helped him out and, still with a firm grip on his hand, led him into the building, punched in a code to open the door, then brought him up a floor in the elevator. Her place was two doors down on that floor. She knocked and, after a moment, it opened to reveal a skinny, short kid with glasses who looked around fourteen, but already had more than the start of a mustache. He just stared at Shawn as the girl led him in.

"Is Dad in, Adrian?" she asked.

"No--he's staying at Diane's again tonight. But what--"

"I found this guy on the joggers' bridge--on the wrong side of the railing. He needs to crash here." She quickly escorted Shawn to a couch which seemed to have lost all its springs. 

"There's coffee on, Cass. I can get him something if..." Adrian began nervously.

"Would you like something to drink?" Cass asked Shawn. "We've got coffee, tea, hot chocolate, pop, whatever you want." Shawn shook his head and Cass quickly grabbed herself a cup of black coffee. "Now, what's your name? I'm Cassidy and this is Adrian."

"Shawn. What do you want with me?"

"All I want is to help. Why did you do it?"

" 'Cause I've got to get away."

"Away from what?"

"Everyone. Everything. My life."

"But why? What is so terrible about your life?" In answer, Shawn took of his hood and brushed his hair back with it. Cassidy's only reaction was her eyes widening a tiny bit, but Adrian let out a little gasp.

"Is that it?" Shawn shook his head and unbuttoned his jacket. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt underneath so they could clearly see his fake arm. "How did it happen?" Cassidy asked gently. Shawn looked up at her. She didn't looked repulsed--just kind of sad.

"Car accident. It--it killed my family," with no warning, Shawn's voice began cracking and tears started spilling over his cheeks. "My mom, my dad, my little sister--they all got smashed to bits, while I was sent flying through a window. It ripped my arm clean off and smashed my face to pieces. Now I look like a freak--I can't even go out to a movie without people screaming! I can't live this way and I won't!" Adrian moved suddenly and sat down beside Shawn.

"You're not a freak. They're just scars." Adrian said in that same quiet voice of his. Now Shawn was lost, shaking with sobs. Adrian put an arm around his shoulders.

"Shawn, I can't imagine what it is to lose what you lost, but there's always hope in life."

Shawn snorted. "Maybe in your life." Then he regretted it. Looking around, he could see they had it rough. The apartment smelled of layers of undisturbed dust and everything was ratty-looking, and both Adrian and Cassidy looked spent.

"Tell me the rest." Cassidy urged. "Tell me what happened afterwards."

Shawn leaned back and closed his eyes until he felt calm enough to talk again. Then he told them his life--in brief, leaving out certain details, like why he couldn't stand his aunt and uncle and why they finally kicked him out. He ended by telling all about his disastrous attempt at a date and closed with a cold, "I don't have a future."

"You wouldn't if I hadn't stopped you. Now you do. Look, Shawn, I don't know if you believe in God or not, but He clearly has more planned for your life than you do. The simple fact that I was there to stop you should tell you that much. I wasn't planning on stopping at the bridge on the way home from work. I'd had to work an unusually long shift tonight, and, as I was getting near the bridge, I began to feel sick, so I stopped and decided to walk it off. That was when I saw you. I could add, there is no way under heaven that I could have lifted you like I did if God hadn't given me the strength. God obviously has more in store for you or he wouldn't have stopped you."

"I hate God."

"Why? What do you hate about Him?"

"He sent my family to hell. He controls people and makes them do and say stupid things. He made my cousin, Travis, into a jerk. He made me look like this. He let Erin see my face right after watching a horror movie so she flipped."

"So you do believe in God, then?"

"I don't know. But I certainly believe there's something at work that has completely set itself against me. Fate, Karma, maybe a rotten past life--but before you get started on God, people have already tried to convert me, and it doesn't work."

"So then you know the gospel?"

"Yeah. I think so. It's a Christian thing, all about Jesus--but like I said, I'm not about to become a Christian."

"Why? What do think being a Christian means?" Adrian put in.

"You go to church every Sunday, you do whatever the preacher tells you to,  you pray, you read the Bible, and you hate everyone who doesn't do the same."

"That is not what being a Christian is about."

"Tell that to my aunt and uncle! They couldn't stand me--they sent me away into foster care when they realized they couldn't convert me."

"Look," Cassidy began firmly but gently, "you can't blame God for what people have done to you. Christians are human. They make mistakes, and, sometimes, those mistakes are made in the name of Christ. At this point, Shawn, I think Christ is your only option." Shawn snorted and rolled his eyes, but she went on. "If there's a God--which you have basically agreed that there is--He saved your life tonight."

"Maybe He has something worse for me. He won't even let me die."

"You're right. He won't let you die. He won't let you die because if you do, there's no hope. Nothing can ever get better. God wants you, Shawn. You wouldn't be sitting here right now if God didn't."

"What would God want with me?"

"He--do you mind if I pull out my Bible?" Shawn shrugged and she left the room for a minute then came back with a dogeared pocket Bible. She flipped through it quickly. "'But God  has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty and the base things of the world and the things which are despised, God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things which are.' What to you think, Shawn? Do you see yourself there? God doesn't choose us because we're special or something. I don't know what God has in store for you, but I know his plans are to give you a hope and a future--He says so."

"But He sent my family to hell. What do you say to that? Is that part of his wonderful plan?"

"I don't know anything about your family. I don't know if they're in heaven or hell. But I do know where you would be right now if I hadn't grabbed you."

"Yeah--your God would have sent me to hell. Just because he can. He'd screw up my life and drive me to killing myself, then damn me for doing it."

"That's not how it works." Adrian put in. "You've sinned against God. He is a just judge, and sin must be punished."

"You don't know the first thing about me. What did I ever do that was so rotten?"

"You've broken God's laws. Have you ever heard of the ten commandments?"

"Yeah. They were on a plaque in my uncle's house."

"Those are the rules God laid down for us, and I can guarantee you've broken at least one of them. For an example, one is "You shall not lie." I doubt there's a person alive who hasn't told at least one lie. Another one tells us not to use God's name as a cuss word and another bans stealing, and another envying someone else for what they have. Not to mention don't kill and don't commit adultery--" Shawn opened his mouth to say he'd never done that, but Adrian went on. "Jesus said that if you hate someone, you've already murdered them in your heart and that if you lust for a woman, you've already committed adultery in your heart."

Shawn shook his. "Okay, okay, guilty as charged. But what's so bad about that stuff? I mean, really, I've never done any serious damage to anyone. I played some pranks as a kid which, I admit, were pretty bad, but that's the worst thing I've ever done. I don't deserve hell."

"By human logic, you're right." Cassidy leaned forward, "But God sees sin very differently than we do. The Bible says that God cannot look on sin. When Adam and Eve ate the fruit in the garden, they had to leave the presence of God, and, outside the presence of God, sin flourished. Have you ever heard the story of Cain and Abel?" Shawn nodded. "Then you know what I mean. By God's eternal justice, the wages for sin is death--eternal death in hell--but God loved us too much to let that happen. He established that if a perfect man were to die in our place, taking our punishment, we could be forgiven. But since there is no one perfect but God, God sent Jesus Christ, His Son, God in human form, to take the punishment. You may think sin is trivial, but if you look at what Jesus had to suffer for us to be forgiven, you will see that it's very far from trivial."

Shawn thought about it for a moment. "So it's a trade off? We die, Jesus has heaven; He dies, we get heaven?"

"Basically. The Bible says that we are healed by His wounds, reconciled by His blood."

Shawn glanced towards the kitchen at the clock. "Look, you've got to take me home. I left a note--if my adoptive mom finds it, she'll freak out."

"Okay. We'll take you home, but you have to promise me you aren't going to try anything."

"I won't do anything stupid. Least wise, not tonight. Interesting talk, but I'm not about to become a Christian."

"I didn't expect you to. Just thought I'd give you something to think about. Maybe a bit of hope." She stood and picked up the car keys that she had put on the counter. 

"Can I come with you?" Adrian asked.

"You have school tomorrow. It's past one."

"Yeah, and you have work. Let's go." He grabbed a hoodie from behind the couch and pulled it on. Cassidy let him come and donned her own jean jacket. Shawn pulled on his coat and put up the hood, and the three of them went out to the car.

Once they were on the road, Shawn asked again, "So, what's with this car's locks?"

"It was my parents' car ten years ago. My dad got a truck, so he sold it to me really cheap. They--" Cassidy braked sharply as a car suddenly changed lanes in front of her, and Adrian took over the conversation.

"Our mom had problems--I mean serious problems, so Dad messed up the lock so she couldn't get out unless he let her."

"What happened to her? I mean, obviously she isn't with you anymore."

"Yeah, she's in a psychiatric hospital. I was just seven when she was taken away so I barely remember her. I do remember she used to slap us around a lot. I was scared of her. Apparently she had me premature because she stabbed her own stomach when she was pregnant."

"Seriously? That's messed. So what finally made your dad call the men in white coats?"

"She went totally psycho and tried to kill Dad. She went after him with a meat cleaver and he called the cops from the closet where he was hiding from her. We still visit her sometimes, but the doctors say we set her off, so we usually just look at her through a window where she can't see us."

"Wow. I had no idea. How do you just go about your lives after something like that?"

"You've just got to move on--to determine to love, not to hate, and just trust God, come what may. Sometimes, it isn't easy. Dad needs both of us to keep him on his feet. He's had two small breakdowns and I'm kind of scared he might go 'round the bend too."

"That's not going to happen, Adrian." Cassidy put in. "He's just over working right now. It'll be better in the summer. So where's your home from here?" She asked Shawn.

"Mackenzie Place, number 164."

"Right--you'll have to give me directions from Mackenzie Lane."

It was ten minutes minutes to two when they pulled up in front of his house. Before letting him out, Cassidy evidently had a bit more to say.

"Here--" She opened her purse, pulled out a notebook and began writing rapidly. "Here's my number and Adrian's, and both our emails. If anything happens, or if you ever want to talk again, you have friends here."

"Thanks." Shawn took the paper and stuffed it in his pocket. He knew he would never call. Cassidy was nice enough, but he'd learned better than to call girls, and Adrian was just a kid. Not to mention they were both Jesus freaks.  At that moment, a familiar car pulled into the driveway. Cassidy quickly unlocked Shawn's door.

"We shouldn't just sit here. A car like this in this kind of neighborhood would look suspicious." She said apologetically.

"Right. The neighbors already think I'm a creep with the way I dress, but that's Terese's car, so I really have to go."

"Your adoptive mom?" Adrian stared as Terese got out of the car. "Wow, she looks rich." Cassidy immediately scolded him for saying it, but it was true. She was wearing her full length gold dress with the black faux fur wrap, and her hair was done up fancy with a little feathery fascinator. She was teetering on stiletto heels and the purse dangling by her side was the one with the diamonds in the buckle. Then she spotted the car and turned a little. Shawn quickly got out.

"Hi Terese." He was suddenly very glad that he hadn't followed through with the jump. She looked so cheerful--how it would have crushed her to find the note! Cassidy and Adrian followed him.

"Hello. You must be Mrs. Kagume." Cassidy smiled. "I'm Cassidy and this is my brother Adrian. We ran into Shawn and ended up hanging out rather later than we meant to. I hope you don't mind."

"No, I don't mind at all. I'm just glad Shawn is finally getting out and getting to know people. So where are you from, Cassidy?"

As the ladies began talking, Adrian took Shawn aside. "When Cass gets started, she can talk all night." He explained.

"But you and her get along pretty well?"

"Yeah--couldn't be better. She's the best sister a guy could have--she's been like a mother to me since Mom left, and even before that, even though we were just little kids, she was always trying to protect me. She can be a bit over-protective, mainly 'cause I'm smaller than most guys my age. You should hear the way she talked to the principle when she heard I was being bullied. She almost got him in tears. She wasn't flipping out at him or anything--she never does--but she can lecture like no one else."

"I wish I still had a sister. I sometimes catch myself imagining what Cayela would be like if she had lived. She'd have just turned fourteen. Her birthday is April eighth. We always used to fight but now I miss her so much." 

"That's because she's family. We never really appreciate what we have until we lose it." A long, awkward silence followed in which Adrian nervous drew invisible pictures with his toe.

Finally, Shawn broke the silence. "So why are you and Cassidy so religious?"

"We're not "so religious". We're just Christians."

"But why? I mean, it sounds like, if there's a God, He's  handed you a pretty rotten lot in life."

"I guess you could say that's  why we are Christians. Our lives are such that there's no way we could go on without Christ. But are you asking why or how we became Christians?"

"Both. Unless you were born Christians, of course."

"No one is born Christian. It doesn't work that way. But we're not from a Christian home, if that's what you mean. My mom, obviously, isn't a Christian, and neither is my dad. Cass had a really rough time in her early teens. Dad had a girlfriend who couldn't stand us, and she was getting trouble at school because of mom's reputation. We were living in Saskatoon at that time, and Cass had a friend, Madeleine, who was Christian. Madeleine was the only girl in the school who got bullied more than Cass, but, while Cass got all depressed, Madeleine just kept on doing her thing, living her life, not letting what people said get to her. She was just so strong that Cass finally turned to her when she hit rock bottom. That was when Madeleine told her about Christ and invited both of us to her youth group, then to her church. It was from Madeleine that we first learned about God and salvation, and, in her youth group and her own life, we saw that it had to be true. I actually became a Christian first," He added with a shy smile. "Then Cass followed and our lives changed forever. It's been about four years since then. We moved here just over a year ago and settled in the best church on earth."

"So, what's the big deal? Why would being a Christian change your life forever? I mean, is it just psychological--like thinking you have a big daddy in the sky looking out for you? Or did stuff actually change in your life?"

"I'm not one hundred percent sure I understand what you're asking, but circumstances in our lives didn't change very much--I mean, we had our church friends for prayer and support now and that certainly had an impact, but the main thing God did was changed us. It's amazing what happens when you turn to Christ in repentance and believe in Him. It's like a sudden fire just flares up inside of you and starts changing you. You suddenly see yourself and others in a very different light, and God--well, His Spirit--just starts giving you these new desires and dreams and plans." Shawn raised his eyebrows. "I mean it--your whole outlook on life gets reversed. You start loving people you considered unloveable, and you start hating all kinds of things that you used to love."

"So your life doesn't really change. You change."

"Your life does change. When you change, your life can't not change. You see, circumstances can change, but for problems ever to really be solved, you need to change before your circumstances can. And that's the way God works--he changes out lives from the inside out. I can't really explain all of how it works--you can't understand unless it has happened to you."

"So you think I'm the one who needs to change? I'm not hurting anyone. It's everyone around me who's wreaking havoc with my life. If they changed, maybe I'd have a chance. Or is this just like what Terese is always talking about--that I have to think I am a certain way, and then I will be? 'Cause that's just a load of crap. I should know."

"No--you don't just start thinking another way. Will-power can be strong, but it can't overcome everything. I'm talking about a heart change, not just thinking different. It's something only God can do."

"Sorry, but I'm not convinced. And I'm freezing. Mind if I head in?"

"Oh--yeah--I mean no--you can go. I'm glad I met you. I hope we can see each other again soon." Shawn smirked. Don't make me laugh, kid. You're just thrilled to have a chance to try and convert someone. As he turned to enter the house, Cassidy caught him and pushed a Bible into his hand. He took it--she hardly gave him a choice--and went on inside. Terese followed a minute later. She smiled at Shawn.

"Cassidy is a very nice young lady."

"No, Terese, just no." Shawn rolled his head around. "I'm going to bed. G'night." He began to make his way up the stairs.

"I invited them over for dinner on Sunday." Shawn just continued on up the stairs. He didn't feel up to any more talking. It had been way too crazy of a day. 

In his room, he stripped off his coat and shed his jewelry, but he didn't bother to wash off his eyeliner or even get changed, but just sprawled out full length on the bed. He grabbed the note from the pillow and reread it before tearing it into tiny pieces. What had he been thinking? How could he do something like that to Adam and Terese? 

Author's Note

Is this chapter too long? And, if I split it into two, where should I split it?