Breaking

Shawn dug through the shed. The last three jerry cans had been empty, but he knew there was at least one more--the one they used for the chainsaw and weedwacker. Ah! There it was. He hauled it out. He would only need a little bit. He carted it out to the chosen patch on the driveway where he had piled the books, drizzled it over them, and struck a match. He dodged away just in time as the stack went up in flames. He watched the fire climb in a column, high in the air. 

His gaze followed the flames to heaven."I'm not sorry," he told the deity that may or may not sit enthroned up there. He watched the pages and both fake and real leather covers curl back and crumble in the flames until the flames began to die down, then he turned and went back to the house. The family would be back soon. He considered just running away rather than face their anger when they saw what he had done to their precious Bibles, but where would he go? 

He watched from the dining room window as their car pulled up to the smoldering pile of ash. He saw Travis and Uncle Scott get out and start poking through the pile. He saw the moment when they realized what it was. Travis held up the charred spine of one of the Bibles and said something, then everyone was out of the car. He could hear them shouting and crying from the house. A sudden thought crossed his mind and he grabbed a red sharpie from the counter. He hurried to the wall just inside the door--the first thing they would see when they came in and scribbled in big letters: YOU LOVED THOSE BOOKS MORE THAN YOU EVER LOVED US. Then he retreated to his room, locking the door that he was told never to lock, behind him.

"Shawn!" Shawn covered his head with his pillow and ignored his uncle's voice. "Shawn, open this door now. This is your last chance."

"My last chance before what?" Shawn demanded.

"Look, Shawn," Travis's voice sounded shaky--had even he been crying? "I don't know why you did that, but we need to talk it over. It wasn't right--"

"Travis, stay out of this." Uncle Scott said quietly, then raised his voice again. "Shawn, you have pushed us all to our limits, but this is too far. Open the door."

"Not on your life." Uncle Scott did not answer, so Shawn lay back and closed his eyes. He had finally gotten the better of them. He had done the unthinkable--or at least, what they deemed unthinkable. 

Shawn stayed there for hours, determined not to come out to them no matter what. Night came and went, and he was awoken by his aunt knocking on the door. He checked his clock--9:30. He hadn't slept in in forever.

"Shawn." Aunt Grace's tone was firm and rather cold. "If you will not abide by our rules, you cannot stay here. Your uncle and I do not want to, but if this behavior continues, you leave us no choice but to seek a new home for you."

Shawn didn't give her words a chance to sink in. "Well, I don't have a problem with that. I hate it here and I hate you all!"

Her tone turned pleading. "Shawn, we only want to help."

"Well, you've been doing a rotten job of it! You only took me in because you thought you'd be able to convert me, but you know what? It's not gonna happen. I've seen your church for myself. I've heard your Jesus-talk. I've even tried to read your Bible, but your God isn't worth my time. And I'm not sorry about burning those Bibles. I'm glad I did it." It was a bit of an incoherent rant, but the silence that followed told him that he had gotten his point across. About half an hour later, there was another knock. 

"Hey Shawn?" It was Travis. "I've got food. And I need to talk with you." 

"I don't care what you have to say."

"I'm not going to chew you out. Look, Mom and Dad don't even know I'm here. And whatever you think of me, food's food and you're going to get hungry sooner or later. You can eat with me in your room or come out and ask Mom for some. It's your choice."

Shawn weighed the options and reluctantly opened the door. Travis slipped in with a plate and cup in hand. He put them down on the stool and turned back to Shawn.

"Look, I won't deny I'm mad about you burning my Bible, but I can buy another one. But I am worried about you."

Shawn smirked. "Bet you are."

"Not in that way. I don't know why you did what you did, but I'm willing to listen if you're willing to talk."

"I burned them 'cause I wanted to."

"Shawn, you do know that Mom and Dad are seriously  considering sending you into foster care, don't you?"

"Yeah. Do you really think I have a problem with that? I hate it here. Wherever they send me, it can't be worse."

"What did we do that was so awful? We just tried to be family."

"You tried. You didn't actually do it. All you did was try to make me just like the rest of you. I'm not like you. I don't want to be like you."

"Look, Shawn, I'm not like my parents either. I've started visiting another church Sunday evenings."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Oh, you are such a rebel."

"That's not the point. I don't like our church either. It has a lot of problems. Would you visit this other church with me? Just once?"

Shawn laughed. "Do you really think I want to see another church? I've already told you that I don't give a damn about your religion. You keep trying to convert me--you're trying right now." 

"I'm not. I'm giving you food--which is getting cold, by the way, and offering you another chance."

"And I'm refusing the chance. I want to leave." Shawn picked up the fork and started on the meatloaf and potatoes Travis had brought. Travis seemed to get the message. He quietly excused himself and Shawn locked the door behind him. Shawn lay back on his bed. They were sending him away. He'd lied to Travis--that wasn't what he had wanted. He had hoped they would open their arms--say that they loved him, say that he did mean more to them than those Bibles, say that he could be whatever he wanted to be and they would still love him; but they hadn't. And if they wouldn't then he was better off leaving. 

Later, his aunt came knocking again. "Shawn, you must come out and eat."

"Or what? You'll starve me out?"

"No, but we eat in the dining room. You can't get food with your door locked all day."

"Then I'm not eating."

Aunt Grace proved tougher than he had expected. She refused to bring food to him, insisting that he eat with them. Travis continued to sneak him food until his uncle, thinking he was starving to death, finally gave in and told his wife to start taking food to Shawn.

Two weeks later, Shawn was introduced to an elderly couple as a foster child. So this was what it felt like to be in the system...