No Goodbyes For Us

The suicide of James's partner Archie leaves James with questions, questions like "why did Archie want me to witness his suicide?" questions that keep him up at night and haunt his dreams.

No Goodbyes For Us

Understanding the laws of the universe isn't something that I excel at, but Archie on the other hand, he understood our place in the universe, his place in this world. His dark locks blow out from behind his shoulders with one strong gust of wind, he’s made up his mind, he knew that the life we have would end up one way, misery. I guess he just couldn't sit back and watch society crumble our lives into something evil.

I awake in a hot sweaty mess as flashbacks from that night consume my mind, I'm unable to forget the night Archie let go, letting go of not only the bridge railings but letting go of hope, hope is something that I have struggled with all my life, hopeful I would find a nice man, live in a world that was accepting of our kind of love, hopeful that one day we could walk hand in hand together through the streets and not fear for our safety. we have a long way to go but what I had with Archie was promising

. 

I sit up in bed thinking about that night, questions that have kept me up at night questioning why he ended our lives, and was there a logical conclusion, why he would force me to witness his death and rather not do it alone. sometimes I may sound selfish, but the suicide of a partner changes your way of thinking. I didn't lose him from a disease or from an accident, he just let go.

I spend countless hours alone wondering if there was a message behind his reasoning or am I just reading too deeply into a selfish action on his part?

I attempt to get out of bed and get ready, i look over at my diary and decide not to write anything this morning, after the dream I had, I feel as though if I put pencil to paper I wouldn't leave the house. its been six months since Archie took his life and the hardest part is going through it alone, I'm not able to grieve with friends and family, I don't get asked if I'm ok or if I need a shoulder at times when I'm suffering, I get treated like I have lost a dear friend, rather than trying to survive him. I lost the love of my life and I'm the only person in the universe who knows. every day when I leave my house I pray that somebody would stop me and say "James.. how are you coping with the loss of Archie?" or offer some form of support, acknowledge the loss I feel, and not just in myself.

I finally make my way out the house and a gust of wind knocks me back causing me to retrieve my balance, as the breeze fades an urge passes through me, its time to visit the bridge. I walk at a slow pace as I am in no hurry to visit the bridge that took everything from me. I pass through the woods retracing his final steps, wondering if I will see Archie's footprint in the mud that's cemented into the ground from his final journey, but there are no footprints, only the ones that follow behind. I stop as I stand between the woodlands and the river, noticing the bridge up ahead. I try to remember Archies face, and wonder what went through his mind as we stood in this very spot admiring the view, did he know standing here would be the final time he smelled the fresh air, the final time we would kiss as we watch ducks swimming in the river, did he know that his final image would be of me running to the railings to attempt catching his fall, or did he hope that my hand would grip his tight? 

I brace myself as I reach the bridge and find the exact spot Archie fell, holding onto the railings that once held his hands. I look out and admire the view.  "Archie.. if you can hear me.. who am I kidding of course you don't hear me.. because you left me, you let me watch you die Archie, you let me understand what it felt to love and then you tore it apart, right here in front of me.. I can't say I understand your reasoning because I don't.. I just don't, but what we had was.. it was flawless, and you took my heart and you threw it, you threw it to the very bottom of this river Archie, but.. I forgive you, the pain, the grief.. it eats me up especially at times I least expect it and suddenly the grief I'm feel becomes physically painful and haunting” tears rolling down my face as I rest my head on the railing, “but I forgive you Archie, I forgive you”.

the footsteps that once followed in the mud have now disappeared as rain began to pour, I stand still staring out into the distance, hoping for a sign that Archie heard me, wondering what a future without him will look like. It's a future I don't want to have, if I could go back in time even to the moment we both stood right here on this bridge, I wouldn't ask him why, I'd show him my love, my gratitude, id tell him what it feels like to be loved by him and just pray that it's enough to make him stay.