The Night of the Living Pumpkin

I know the title is stupid but give it a chance, please.

There are two versions of this story in this. There is the original sucky one that I made in fourth grade and I thought was so good then when I hated to write. I still hate to write today when there are guidelines that I have to follow, but freelance I'm just fine. Anyway the second one is an alternate that I wrote a while ago.

Original (quoted exactly as I had written it, spelling and everything):

The Night of the Living pupkin

        One Hollween night I was sitting in the living room, having a great time carving my pumpkin I just finished carving the top. I pulled it off and reached my hand in when suddenly the pumpkin came to life.

        Me and the pumpkin had changed lives. I didn't much like being a jack-o-lantern. Then a hour later every thing was back to normal.

Alternate (I have to tell you now that this newer version is a bit morbid but still good):

The Night of the Living Pumpkin

        One day I was sitting in the kitchen carving my pumpkin. I had just finished the top when I reached my hand in and suddenly the phone rang. I had barely had my hand inside at the time so I pulled my hand out of the pumpkin and ran to answer the phone.

My friend was on the other end. She told me that she had just finished carving her pumpkin. Her pumpkin had round eyes with large pupils, a small triangular line for the nose, and a small wave for the mouth. She had asked me what my pumpkin looked like and I told her that I hadn't started carving it yet. She let me get back to my carving after a few minutes of talking.

I went back to my pumpkin and once again stuck my hand inside. Much to my dismay what I felt clutched in my hand was not pumpkin seeds, but something squishy, pulsing, and wet. I pulled my hand from the pumpkin after letting go of the foreign object in my pumpkin. I looked at the liquid on my hand and found it to be red in color instead of the usual hue of orange. This scared me a bit but out of curiosity I looked inside of the pumpkin. The sight and smell made me gag and in turn made me incapable of screaming. What I saw was what at first appeared to be just blood and gore of an unknown origin turned out to be a still beating heart.

I quickly backed away from the pumpkin until the wall stopped me. At this point although I could no longer see or smell the contents of the pumpkin I was still unable to scream or even talk for that matter I was so horrified.

Suddenly the pumpkin started to move. It turned around and looked at me through beady eyes. This scared me even more because I hadn't had a chance to carve anything on it.

"W-w-what d-do you w-want with me?" I managed to stammer through my shock.

"Ha, ha, ha, I want you dead." It said in an evil voice.

"Is this someone's idea of a sick joke?!" I yelled to no one in particular.

The pumpkin then reached out with a chunky hand and grabbed the top which was on the counter. I was frozen with fear at the sight of the pumpkin sprouting limbs. I immediately knew it was a shape shifter and not a pumpkin as it transformed into a hideous beast. The beast then grabbed a knife from the kitchen counter and started to slowly advance towards me.

I was still paralyzed in fear and was trying to urge myself to run. The beast was still advancing towards me as the doorbell rang. My head snapped to the door and the beast adverted his eyes to follow my gaze with a sneer. The doorbell rang again and this time my body unfroze and I ran full speed towards the door.

I flung the door open, with blood still on my hand I ran through the crowd knocking people down as I went. I heard some people say, "cool" and others stifled screams as the beast chased after me.

I wasn't looking where I was going and I tripped over a tree root. I immediately rolled over onto my back to see how far the beast was behind me. He came within feet of me and started to walk towards me as I tried to crawl backwards. I was about to attempt to get back on my feet again when I laid my hand upon something sharp. My arm gave out under the pain. I looked at my hand and noticed that a switchblade long forgotten was through the palm and sticking out of the back of my hand.

Onlookers were starting to surround me and the beast. I pulled the knife out of my hand and as soon as I did I wished I hadn't for blood started to rush out of my hand. I wrapped it as best I could in my shirt. I laid back upon the ground and simply said, "Why?"

"Why what?" replied the beast.

"Why me? Why dead?" I said calmly.

"Because your ancestors ordered it." He said.

"Very well, kill me, I don't care. I've nothing to live for anyway."

He then attacked me and soon I was unconscious with the loss of blood. The beast thought that he had killed me and left. After I didn't get up the onlookers realized that this wasn't just a show put on to scare people, this was the real deal. Soon an ambulance showed up and took me to the hospital. I got treated and was soon there after released.

 

You may ask how did I know what happened to me after I was unconscious. This was because on of the bystanders accompanied me to the hospital. He was the one that called 911and he is now my husband. Everyday I thank god for having him there. To this day I still don't celebrate Halloween and my husband understands and isn't surprised. But I know what would surprise him, if I wanted to celebrate Halloween.

 

Author's Note

Please if you rate and review, only review the alternate, NOT THE ORIGINAL. You can mention the original in the review, just don't take into account the original when you rate, please.

Reviews

[Raven: The Thought Hole]

Well, first of all, the name alone drew me to this story.

I pulled my hand from the pumpkin after letting go of the foreign object in my pumpkin.

**take out "in my pumpkin" it's redundant. I don't like "foreign object" maybe use a descriptive nounish adj instead. Foreign object doesn't tell about the object.

liquid
**maybe replace with goo or... something more supernatural and scary.

The pumpkin then reached out with a chunky hand and grabbed the top which was on the counter.

**i love chunky description! Maybe "and grabbed the top on the counter." just less words



The sight and smell made me gag and in turn made me incapable of screaming.

** Okay, pretty much active and passive voice have come cliche terms now, but you need to use the active voice. It build more suspense, so if you don't know what that is it would be instead of saying "made me gag" you'd say something like "I took one whiff of the pumpkin and gaged" Then you can add the I couldn't scream/about the sight in later sentences. Idk tis your call eh?

At this point although I could no longer see or smell the contents of the pumpkin I was still unable to scream or even talk for that matter I was so horrified.

**put a period after pumpkin


I was frozen with fear at the sight of the pumpkin sprouting limbs.

**was is passive voice. instead, "I froze with fear at the sight of the.."

I looked at my hand and noticed that a switchblade long forgotten was through the palm and sticking out of the back of my hand.

** maybe use more sudden word that "noticed."

I love your descriptions of the pulsating pumpkin. I can feel it its freaky lol. I think this is a good first draft. Defs though some key points in story telling are having everything in ur story for a reason and connecting it. Maybe give some backstory earlier in the story about her ancestors and about how shes trying to find love and actually does in the end, and maybe say in the beginning that she doesn't think she has anything to live for becuase she doesn't have love. Maybe make a reflection in the end saying how actually the pumpkin she thought to be a beast brought her life together by giving her love (her husband)

[Melissa]

Well with the ancestors, at the time I was just thinking of something that would be a reason to kill her, so there wasn't anything really, by that. Even now that was written a few years ago, and I've come a lot father as an author.

[Megan Melindy]

You said you wrote the original in fourth grade, was it for a school assignment? If it was I'd love to know what the teacher though of it ^_^ tehe. But even if it wasn't, it was quite clever of you to write that at such a young age.
I feel the same way as Anti Rainbow, I too am wondering about why her ancestors would want her dead and she seemed to accept this so easily. Is there something the character knows that we don't? With this being a Halloween story, thoughts came to me about the Salem witch hunts and I was thinking that maybe it might have had something to do with that, but probably not.
And all while reading the story, and ever before that, as soon as I saw the title "The Night of the Living Pumpkin" I thought of Nathaniel Hawthorne's "Feathertop", which is about a scarecrow with a pumpkin head, which is brought to life by a witch.
But overall, this is the start of something great. There's so much you can do with this, could be the start of some great morbid and macabre or it could be left as is, as a short story, given that it would be fun if it were fleshed out a little more. Perhaps giving the history behind this family, even giving hints as to why her ancestors would want her dead.

[Anti Rainbow]

I'm kind of curious as to why her ancestors wanted her dead. I find it kind of odd that someone would just accept it, and not question why further.

That aside I thought it was pretty good. A few mistakes here and there with a word left off or spelled wrong (Hand ("I looked at the liquid on my and"), and I'm assuming you meant to say thought in the second to last paragraph.) but it's still Interesting, and kind of creepy. I don't think I'll look at pumpkins again. But over all pretty good.