My Mind

Everyday is the same. The darkness inside me flows through my veins. I feel it in my bones and on my muscles. It controls me. It’s possession takes over my mind, my well being, as well as the way I treat others. I can’t help but feel jealous of the fortune of others. And become easily annoyed or angered by the persons themselves. This anger and annoyance are brought on by the simplest of things. From talking too much or too loud, to talking at all, as well as them speaking of their personal or romantic life. Even just being around set person. This is how easily I become agitated and begin to lash out. In an effort to get rid of the dark thoughts of my mind, I hear myself insult or constantly tease others. Even those closest to me are subjected to this awful scrutiny. Though the guilt I always feel afterwards is great, it does not stop me from spewing these ill tasting words.

   My mind has been this way for as long as I can remember. I have realized that I have difficulty showing love, as the concept seems foreign to me despite the loving home I was brought up in. As even the simplest phrase or touch requires great effort that I do not seem to possess. The simplest affection towards me also feels like a violation of my well being, though I tend to crave it at times. My mind will not allow me to process a single thought of action without the quickest over analyzation. Though when I speak it seems that I do not analyze quick enough. As my quick wit seems to come off more as a quick insult. Though I still feel unable to speak the simplest and most important phrase known to man, I Love You. This phrase has haunted me. As though I do feel it for the many members of my family and the few friends that I have known since my early youth, the action of actually speaking this phrase to someone seems impossible. Even my mother to whom I care for most in the world, has rarely heard this phrase, if at all. The simplest hugs are are what I recently have become accustomed to giving to those closest to me and though this brings me great happiness, the thoughts of my mind continue to antagonize me and fill me with doubt.

  The dark whispers of my inner universe haunt me as I flow through the winds of life. When I feel joy and happiness on the rarity that it occurs, I continue to feel their dark presence loom over me. As if Zeus himself cast this dark cloud, as punishment for the actions I had done and words I may have spoken to others before this short moment of joy occurred. I feel as though there is no escape. I know what I could and maybe even need to do but the attempt to actually follow through with them terrifies me. As I do not want what I think is inside me to be confirmed. The security alone that my thoughts belong to me and only me brings me stability and a sense of content.

Reviews

[alanwgraham]

This a very intense piece and it's not clear if it's biographical. It paints a very bleak portrayal of this life and there is an emphasis on dark thoughts and guilt. My feeling is that there is a need for building relationships to become more connected. Although there are a few grammatical slips you have portrayed this mindset well.
Regards.
Alan