A Nine Year Reflection

I wrote this in reflection of my nine years since graduating high school. I'm amazed about where I am.

This weekend, Sunday, May 19^th, 2013, marks the nine year anniversary of walking into Clear Lake High School Gymnasium as a student, and walking out as alum.  Though most people will wonder why one would reflect on a nine year anniversary instead of a ten, I can answer simply by saying that my ten year is not on a Sunday.

I think about graduation day in fondness.  I think about the 155 lbs me with the white, silky, borrowed dress (which I still have…oops) that I wore.  I think about our valedictorian, and instead of giving a traditional lecture or speech,  she read to us one of the first books we were ever read in Kindergarten, Oh, The Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss.  I think about how happy I was to get out of that small town, and how at that moment it hit me on how much life would change.  I think about how fiercely the tears ran down my face as I looked around; knowing that going back wasn’t an option. 

I remember feeling very proud that day, that I survived being the fat kid in elementary.  I had, what I thought, was the love of my life in the stands, as he had skipped his sister’s graduation to come to mine.  I was convinced the world was at my fingertips; that in five years, I would be graduated from college and some big hotshot Criminal Profiler down in VA.  I was convinced I could change the world, but I wasn’t sure how I would.

I remember my friends, Brandy and Jason, showing up with a bouquet of roses.  There’s a picture of it at the end of the yearbook.  I remember turning to see my dad (it was his birthday, too), and he was crying, and he looked at me and walked away.  I hadn’t seen or spoke to him in months, and it actually did mean a lot at the time that he showed up. 

I remember feeling excited and somehow empty, as I didn’t know what my life was to become.  I knew that Friday, I had an orthodontist appointment, and then I was moving to Des Moines that afternoon to start college the following Monday. 

I remember packing throughout the week, and seeing my boyfriend every night.  I remember thinking how wonderful it was going to be to see him more often than just weekends.  I remember thinking we could support each other through school and build a forever after together.  He was the one, and no one could convince my 18 year old self otherwise. 

College started and I got a year done within a summer.  It took many late nights, essays and 100 page reading assignments.  Accelerated classes were joyous, but when the real first semester came, I was grateful to be slowing down.  Straight A’s except for math!  My boyfriend and I despite our best efforts still didn’t see much of each other.  I started working at the mall well over 40 hours per week, along with school.  I was always on the go.  No social life.  Unhealthy food from the mall to eat.  This is why during that time; I didn’t realize I was pregnant.  I assumed my tiredness was due to my 4 hours of sleep at night, and never really having a moment to do much else.  Moodiness was chalked to this as well.  No weird cravings or morning sickness.  No weight gain either until May of 2005.  30 lbs in a month was a lot, and when I went to the doctor, I was advised of my unplanned blessing’s arrival.  I have a little less than two months to prepare for his arrival, and with having no money or a place to live, our situation looked dire.  Though adopting him to a family who had resources was appealing, I didn’t want to give up my son.  The nurses provided me with state resources to help us get through. 

My son was born, and he was healthy, and happy and so adorable and cute!  He had no idea what lay ahead of him, and to tell the truth, neither did I.  I just knew I loved him and we would get through whatever it was together.  My son saved my education.  I was no longer breezing through pages of material to memorize long enough to get through the tests.  Between work and caring for him, I had to slow down to memorize.  Though my grades fell, I knew more than I had before.  Just by being him, helped to slow me down.  For this, I am forever grateful as well.

His father and I were not doing well.  Communication had all but ceased, and we stopped caring.  I’m not sure at what point we fell out of love, but we continued that way for the next seven years.  Over 7 months ago, we stopped living together, and to be honest, for the sake of our son, we should have parted much sooner.  I’m a traditionalist at heart.  I wanted a two parent home for my son, and I am sad that he, much like the previous two generations, has to be raised in separate homes.  I know this is better for everyone, but it’s still sad.  I’m focused on the relationship between my son and I, and also be responsible for the relationship I maintain with his dad so we can co-parent our son. 

I look at all the plans I made, and how the universe laughed at them, and I realize a few things.  That 18 year old dream of changing the world, it’s still there.  I haven’t made a difference on a world wide scale.  I haven’t become super famous or revolutionized an industry.  I have yet to graduate college.  Also, despite the fact we couldn’t work it out, that boyfriend and I created one awesome kid.  He draws pictures and tells stories and loves computer games.  He has an untainted love for life thus far, and I hope to get him as far in life as possible with that positive attitude.  I didn’t run around the world and chase a bad guy.  I didn’t do anything that I said, and I have done some things I swore I never would.  In the past nine years, I did not change the world, but I am lucky.  My son and my ex changed mine.  They made me a better person.  My focus is on making one person’s world better, and to the powers that be, that’s all I now require in life, to give my son the tools to help him figure out how he can be the best person he is capable of being. 

Funny how life happens, isn’t?

Reviews

[Craig2591]

This is good. You said what you wanted to say in an easy and interesting way. It's easy to get bored of someone else's own personal story, but I enjoyed reading this.

[Annie Ale]

Thank you! I appreciate it!

[Jason White]

A well written reflection. =)

[Annie Ale]

I am unsure about the well written, but it was honest.