When the Air Began To Bleed

It slipped past my attention

and fell to the floor

like blood falls on snow,

and watched it spread until

it soaked the fabric of my brain.

Words directed towards me

in a language I don't speak.

 

 

You walk in, stoned and absent

disconnected

the look you're giving

murderous at best.

 

I'm coming off an acid trip

I'm in no shape for this

for here and now

and the look you're giving

makes my head hurt.

 

This is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

 

The air is electric

I can see it buzz silver

making me feel dizzy.

 

The way he looks at me makes me uneasy

he is looking hungry.

 

but you're looking jealous.

 

Reviews

[PianoandPage]

nice. enjoyable read. lots of things to re-read and chew up and enjoy.

i really dig poetry that has multiple layers so this was a nice treat.

however in the spirit of critique i humbly offer a few suggestions...

"like blood falls on snow,
and watched it spread until"

maybe instead try

"like blood falls on snow.
i watched it spread until"

and

"Her name is on your lips
your eyes are on me"

maybe

"Her name is on your lips
while your eyes are on me"

just thoughts. little tweaks that tighten the suspence, the confusion, the pace.

i think this is a really great poem. i love the flawed characters, the complexities of the relationships and the unspoken desires etc etc.

great write!

[Vanessa]

I thought that this was well written, and that the words were
constructed and places delicately. For instance, I liked that you
placed only a single sentence in between every few stanzas.
Marvelous.

I really liked the line that read,
"I'm coming off an acid trip
I'm in no shape for this
for here and now.."
That had to have been one of my favorites.

I really liked the mentioning of being 'stoned' and 'coming off an acid trip'
for some strange reason.
Great poem.

--Vanessa Alyse

[alyssa]

WOW!! love it... very detailed... keep writing!

[Michael]

Wow, I am going to have to sit with this one a while. It speaks to so many emotions and turns inside out. I like the touch you gave it.

Michael

[Staci Brown]

once again i love your title! where were you when i needed titles for my songs in the past! lol :D

well i definitely see a trend here with Pulse and Take a Deep Breath, The Water Tastes Nice.... and like those i again am left feeling like a voyeur lol thats a compliment hon! you pull your readers right into the scene! :D

Faerie Blessings!

--faerie whisper (breaking the silence...)

PS: this whole story line in these 3 poems i've read would work perfectly in a novel hon! if you ever do pen such a story please let me know! :D

[Legion]

Very electric piece. One should take up swinging perhaps. I like it. Good for the goose. Good for the gander bit. Well written.