You're Lying

A short personal story

You're Lying.


"You're lying!" Got caught again on not telling the complete truth. If they could see the world true my eyes, I wouldn't be lying. My head had just added some details to make the situation more interesting for myself. I'm well aware that I shouldn't share fantasy as the truth, but it had made me so enthusiastic. I wanted to share it, as that was how I experienced it.

"She should do something with her imagination", a teacher told my parents one day. He had noticed that I wasn't playing with the other kids as much. I was sitting in a corner, trying to turn my fantasy world into reality. Most kids "just" went to school and followed their courses. I sat in class with a puppy underneath my desk, a mean dockter around the corner, a vampire by my side and a magical power within me. Normal life just didn't seem interesting enough.

Twenty years later, you might think that childish play is a thing of the past. Instead, my imagination has never left me alone. It even got in the way of everyday life and people don't seem to understand what's "wrong" with me. After nine years of education, you might think that I would have some sort of a degree. Shamefully admitted, no I don't. Am I to dumb, or unwilling? Well no. I've noticed that I'm actually quite intelligent. I just can't prove it on paper. If I would have been allowed to talk my way through exams... but I'm not. They expect you to take your schoolwork home and write it all down on paper. Because I'm not stupid, people expect me to have no problems. "You like to write, don't you?", they ask me. Yes I do, but there is a difference between writing for purpose and writing to clear your mind. At school your mind is drawn to the subject in class. As soon as I leave the classroom to go home, interest in school stays at school. My imagination takes up a lot of space and my head ain't that big. It starts dominating. Staring at your school work for hours, knowing you have to make a start, but your mind has already taken you into another world. You know what people expect of you. And that's where I fail. I don't do expectations very well. People believe they know me, but all they see is what I want them to see. I'm not a lost cause... I'm just complicated. Schoolwork isn't hard. It just takes up so much time, while my world longs for me and I long for it. I just want to live these daily adventures. Who cares if I have imaginary friends of live imaginary lives? Everyone seems to care. "You have to have a degree. You need to be able to take care of yourself. Maybe you need to see a professional?" Why? I don't bother anyone. I know the difference between what is real and what isn't.

"If it's too hard for you, why don't you just tell us? We can help you." People start to think I have difficulty with the subject I might study. If only. Than I would have had a solid reason why my work isn't done. So disappointed in myself. If I would have been my own teacher, I would have had it up till here with myself. The student isn't there for the teacher to do a job. The teacher is there to help its students. "Why won't you let me help you?" Because you won't understand. It's not that I don't want to... I'm just so distracted outside of school. So, do you keep telling your teacher the same thing over and over again? No... they don't have to tell me I'm failing. I'm well aware and I'm sick of other people telling me. So I tell a lie. "My computer crashed, I have to do it all over again." I know it's wrong. Stonecold lying to someone who only wants to help me. The problem is, if you don't know how to help me, that there is no point in trying to explain it to you again.

I'm not the most reliable friend, or student. When I'm stuck to a story, It will take up all my time and attention. Even these day's I find that, although I know the difference between reality and imagination, if I hold on to a lie or a dream to long, it get's mixed in with real memories and my recollection of the past becomes untrustworthy. More interesting, but untrustworthy. My dreams and reality should remain separate... but sometimes the unthinkable happened and a dream turns into reality. The dream that I wished came true... and my whole world is turned upside down. Things don't go according to plan, reality is tough. You make mistakes and you can't do it over again. A very scary situation. You break hearts, including your own. You break trust, including your own. Dreams are safe. Reality is not. Looking back on it all, you realise you literally missed the magic happening around you. And why? Because your imagination couldn't keep up.

I hold my imagination dear. I couldn't imagine a world without it. If all I could see was the greed of people... children dying in wars they didn't start, major companies destroying our planet for money, the suffering of animals by our hands... I couldn't live in that world, so I create my own. I try to do good. Always friendly and kind. Probably way to naive, but I don't care. My imagination might be in my way sometimes, but I won't live without it. I can understand of you don't understand me. That is fine. I'll just smile at you and tell you that it doesn't matter, as it doesn't. I'm happy this way.


By Anne Versteeg
January 2008

Author's Note

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