My questions on lifeA Poem by AnnaRose Wrote this while on a 3 day train ride back home after a broken heart.
Why is it that you have to have a license to drive but anybody can raise a child? Why don’t they have a class on love in school? Is that not something everyone should learn? Why are there millions of people who want kids and can’t have them and yet a million more who have them and don’t want them? Why is it that when you are ready for love it is not ready for you, but when you are not looking or ready it finds you? Why must we experience heartache? Who ever created that law needs to be shot! Why do we take the things we have for granted so often? Why is the romance they show on television so hard to find? Who says a harlequin romance is impossible? Why can’t my beloved prince(es) come sweep me off my feet and show me the best time ever imaginable? How can something that felt so good hurt so much? Why is it that the things in life that make us feel the best hurt us the worst? Why can’t I eat a Twinkie and lose weight and eat Brussels sprouts and gain weight? Who creates these rules? Why are pretty people so vain? Why do people fall in love? Why do we call it “falling” in love? Is that why it hurts so much in the end, because we fell? Why is it that the only people wealthy enough to enjoy life’s pleasures are too old to enjoy them? I would love to drive a jag at 100 miles an hour and visit the castles of Germany! Why is it that the things that relax us the most really aren’t very relaxing? If we all bleed the same then why are people so judgmental? How do we take the words judge and mental and come up the meaning for judgmental? Who creates these rules again? Why are people so stereotypical? Why do we even have stereotypes? What is the reason? Why do people need labels? Are we a clothing brand? In the future I fear people will wear labels to show who they are! Gay people will wear one that says queer, rich people will wear one that says wealthy! Why are sunsets and sunrises so beautiful….yet those are the times of day that no one sees them? Why do people lie so often? Why can’t people learn to tell a white lie? Why do the words that come out of our mouth hurt people so much? I am hurt…..I have never felt a hurt like this before! My mom just wanted to make sure you had not physically hurt me….I would have preferred that! At least then I would have a reason to hate you, then there would be a reason for why I am hurting! I feel foolish and stupid! I also feel like there isn’t going to be anyone who understands me! I feel like the little boy who cried wolf! I have pretended to be in love so many times that now that I finally am no one believes me! No one is able to see this pain! Its smells like barf right now…it is making me even sicker to my stomach if that is even possible….the only thing preventing me from spewing is the thought of having to spew in the toilets on here! Train toilets may not be as sick as bus toilets….but nevertheless they are still sick! Why is it that no matter how much a person hurts you, once you are in love with them you will always be in love? And that no matter how much they hurt you, you will always forgive them? Why are complete strangers such a******s? Why do people always assume they are better than everyone else without even getting to know someone? Why can’t I sleep? Who created the emotion hate? I hate them for it! Why do men always look at women like they are a piece of meat? What gives them the power to do that? Am I a piece of meat? Just something to be oogled at and thought of in sick perverted ways? Am I not worth more than that? I love women but when I look at them I do not see my next sexual meal! I see something that deserves the world! Why do I still love you? Why do men keep staring at my tits? They are tits….if you haven’t seen them before…well then that’s just sad! Get a porno…..stop staring at my tits! If this man behind me unplugs my lap top one more time so he can plug in his damn cell phone I am going to hurt him! Ok….so maybe he is nicer than he seems….he still creeps me out! The train ride is beautiful! I wonder if there is a profession out there that allows me to be a nomad, Constantly traveling with nowhere in particular to go! Stopping when I feel like it! Seeing the country! Maybe even the world! Why do fat people always wear t-shirts that show their stomach hanging out and their a*s crack? Why are most rich people so snobby? Do they not ever remember being poor? Granted some of them have always been wealthy….but that’s still no excuse! Why do they take that for granted? Why are people so insensitive? Why are people so noisy? Why do people hate and fear authority so much? It is because of that fear and hate that we have so much of it! If everyone just acted like responsible adults with a damn conscience then there would be no need for authority! Why do people feel the need to lead? The need to be in control? Tell me again, why can’t I hate you? Now tell me again, why do I love you? Why you? Why couldn’t I have saved that love for someone who would have given it back? Why did I have to give it to you? Why am I on this train heading to a place I don’t want to be when I should be with you in your arms? Why did you make me feel all those things I never thought possible? Why did you show me what it was to have need and desire, to have passion? Even if I do ever have that again, it will never be the same! I am jaded! And I am sorry for the next person who comes along to take your place, because even if she can love me like I loved you, I will never be able to love her like I loved you! But as I said in the beginning, if we should ever get tired of each other I would thank you! Thank you for giving me desire, want, need, passion, thank you for showing me what it was like to be in love! So thank you! Thank you for filling that hole in my life! Thank you for opening my eyes! For making me see! For showing me that I can be loved, even if only for a while! And that it feels good to be loved like that! Although I will still be afraid to fall in love, at least this time I will welcome it! And I will face that fear! Because as much as my heart may hurt, as much as I may want to give up, it was worth it! The end of the year is close...and for the first time I am going to make a new year’s resolution, for this is the start of my revolution! And though I know it’s not much of a revolution, it is mine! I will own a jeep by the end of the year 2008, I have wanted one for too long now and it is time I had one! I will have my credit cleaned! I will be at not just a weight but at a level of healthiness that I am happy and comfortable with! I will be over my depression and it doesn’t matter how I have to go about it! I am tired of being depressed! I should be happy for the life that I have no matter how rough it seems sometimes! And last but not least… I will be out of Klamath Falls and living somewhere that makes me happy! Somewhere that makes me feel home again! You gave me that for the first time since I was a child! I will find it again! It doesn’t smell like barf anymore! Writing this is helping my nerves! I miss you! I miss your kisses! Your arms and the way I felt in them! I know I need to be a better person! And I know you need to get over your fears! Maybe if we can both do that we can work this out! I will always hope for that! Even though I know it will never happen! I wish I hadn’t given those rings back! I wanted to keep them forever! Show them to the future me’s if there is ever any and tell them that you were my first love! That you were my first feeling of home, my first feeling of peace! And as weird as I know this may sound, I am going to miss your mom! I look up to her! She is comfortable with herself! Strong! Knows what she wants and gets it! She may be getting on in years but that doesn’t stop her from living life! It has been too long since I have had someone to look up to! These words may never mean something to anyone but they will always mean something to me! Just as I will always love you! How am I going to get through this Christmas without you in my arms to share it with? I need you! Why can’t you need me back? Why can’t you be driving trying to catch up with the train? To stop the train and get me off of here….to let me know you are sorry and hold me in your arms! To take me home and make passionate love to me? To tell me you love me! I want to be in your arms right now! Your hands in my hair, my face buried in your chest, breathing in your scent! Your scent, something I won’t ever forget! Why does my creativity and my drive to live my life the way I want have to come at this expense? Why am I wide awake when I should be tired? Why are there mentally handicapped people? People who are meant to do nothing but suffer in life? What do we gain from that? Why do these M&M’S taste so good? Why won’t this train move? Why do girls think it is ok to wear a dress and sneakers? Whatever happened to sandals? They can be just as comfy! Why did I fall in love with you? Why did you let me fall in love with you knowing that you could not love me back? Knowing that you were too scared to love me back? Why did you do this to my heart? Why can’t you fix it? You always fix everything! My heart is in pieces! But doesn’t it look pretty like that? I think it adds character to it! Look at the way the pieces are all strewn out all over the place! The guy sitting in the seats next to me has an arcade on his laptop, that’s not fair! Why am I constantly hungry? All I keep wanting to do is eat! Again, why can’t I sleep? Why do all brunettes want to be blonde? Why do people who wear glasses wish they didn’t have to and people who don’t have to want to? The girl sitting next to me is pretty! I would talk to her but it would feel like I was cheating on you! When will that go away? She is wearing way too much perfume! But she is still cute! I don’t think I could do anything with her. she is too cute, like a child. I would feel perverted! She is also to perfect, every hair in place. Her outfit planned perfectly to seem different from everyone else, yet still perfect, the flower in her hair, the overwhelming perfume. Yes she is too perfect! It’s a front! To hide the fact that she is hurting! She put on this outfit like a mask to hide the fact that she cries at night! She seems so sure of herself when really she is frightened. But most will never see this, most will never know! Most will only see the cover she has on, the mask hiding her true self! She combs her hair with her fingers, again making herself perfect! Why are people so afraid of showing who they really are? Why are people so afraid of showing emotions? Why are people afraid to cry? Or laugh at the wrong moment, because what was funny to you was not funny to everyone else! So I couldn’t sleep at all last night! Tossing and turning, afraid of waking the person next to me up! Why does the train vibrations make my nose itch and tickle but nothing else? What’s so special about my nose? Gave in today and had breakfast at the diner, sat with 3 other people who were here alone. Some old lady who looked like she might need a leash cause she couldn’t do anything on her own, an older Hispanic male who kept trying to make her laugh, and a girl who looked 15 and never told me her age but did say she was a lot older than she looked and has finished college I do believe. It was interesting and lonely all at the same time! We are driving through North Dakota, nothing but flatness and snow! It’s cold! I wish you were here to keep me warm! To let me put my hands on your warm stomach! To kiss my neck and send warm shivers into me! So that even though I may be shivering I have this warmth spreading through my body! North Dakota looks really depressing right now! I am not looking forward to this winter at all! Winter is like death, its cold and everything dies, all the plants and trees. All of the animals go somewhere warmer to survive. I can’t think of anything beautiful about winter anymore! Maybe if I had someone to share it with that would be different! Maybe I wouldn’t feel so miserable! The girl sitting next to me is quite depressing too! She looks like someone who has no real home and just goes where the wind takes her! Her scraggly hair and old boots, it’s almost attractive. Reading her book on 2012, reminds me of Jason. So the world is going to end huh? Will I be alone when it does? I hope the train gets emptier! I want my own seats, I want to be able to stretch out and get comfy! I also wish it wasn’t so cold! Again, I wish you were here to keep me warm! Why did your family have to like me so much? Why did my sister have to like you so much? I hate the snow! I’m going to need a bigger coat! I hate wearing jackets! So bulky, constricting! There is a severely handicapped person on the train, she has to wear a brace on her upper body and everything, don’t think she can talk either. She is breaking my heart! She makes me want to cry! Again I have to ask what is her purpose here on earth? To make me grateful of what I have? Because that she does do, but isn’t that a little over the top? Why does she have to suffer so much? I hope it isn’t snowing in Oregon! Are you hurting? Do you feel guilty? Do you even care? You say you miss me but do you really? Sometimes “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it! Right now would be one of those times! I need to see that you are sorry! Not just hear it! It’s only 10 in the morning, it’s going to be a long day! You made me feel whole once before, can you do that again please? Because right now I feel empty, I feel like nothing is there, like I am missing something! I want that something back! Somebody just sprayed a bunch of cologne, its smells fresh, but it still smells! Why can’t it smell like you? I miss that smell! I asked you if you wanted to try and make this work, you still haven’t responded so I guess that’s a no. I know you said you needed time, but that is also how I know that this isn’t what you want! That this won’t work! Because when you love someone as much as I love you, you don’t need time, you just know! And no matter how bad things get, or how much you fight, you know that it’s all going to be ok! It’s all going to be ok because your love is just that strong! It is getting colder! I wish I had my tennis shoes, they would have kept my feet warmer! By the way, I love you! Maybe once we get out of North Dakota it will be warmer! I’m so cold I can’t type! Come warm my feet up please! They feel like ice! Why didn’t you stop me? You wanted to! So if you wanted to then why didn’t you? I wish you would have! I wish I was in your arms right now! You whispering in my ear, telling me everything will be ok. But you’re not! I wonder what you are doing, wonder who you met up with last night, was she as good as I was? Maybe better? Did she fulfill you in ways I never did? Never could? Did she give you that passion that you gave me? That lust, that desire? Did she make you hot? Maybe I am jumping to conclusions, maybe I am being too eccentric, but hey you left me with nothing to go on! My head hurts! I wish I had some aspirin! I wish I had you! I love you! Does that mean anything to you? Why can’t this day be over yet? Tell me again why I am not in your arms right now? Why do you fill me up with so much hope? Why is it that every time I hear your voice my heart breaks just a little bit more? Why when you are truly starting to sound sorry does my phone lose service in the middle of a town when in the middle of nowhere I had service? Logic anyone? I love you! You could do a million and one hurtful things to me and I would still love you! You have my heart, even in pieces it is still in your hands! Please, it is more fragile now than ever, be gentle with it! I think it should be mandatory that everyone ride the train cross country twice in their life! It is a necessary thing! It shows culture at its finest! Why are people grumpy all the time? What is the point in that? Hey, I love you! I wish my head would stop hurting! I need you! What are you thinking right now? What are you doing? Ok I think I am beginning to babble so it is time for me to shut up! Why does this old man that looks perverted keep staring at me? I do believe that you love me! That you really care! I do believe that we can work this out! Our love is that strong! We can get through all of this! I know we can! It’s going to take a lot of work, I will still have up a lot of walls for a long time! You have to expect that! I will work on being a better person! We can work on our fears together! My sweater is dirty and smells like my lotion! People are noisy! Music is life! What I wouldn’t give for a pear right now! A pear sounds really good! I wish the snack cart had fresh fruit! I wish you were driving behind us trying to catch up with a whole bag of ripe pears! Screw the roses! I want the damn pears! Mmmm I want you! You and some pears….yumm! The clouds look like angles are coming through them! It’s purty! Will you be my angel and come save me? we are passing a lot of farms right now, I want one! You, me, two kids running around, some chickens! Your big dog and my little dog chasing the chickens! My own vegetable garden! Fresh veggies! Maybe a horse or two, us riding off at night! *sigh* I miss you! Can we go horseback riding off into the sunset? Lay out a blanket and make passionate love in a field under a weeping willow tree? I think that is my new fantasy! I think I like the thought of that! Once a month letting my mom watch the kids while we go into the city for the weekend. Go to a club, eat out at a nice restaurant! Doesn’t that sound nice? Have I told you that I love you yet? I want a pair of olive green socks! They look inviting to my feet! I want to take my future jeep and drive across the country with you! Radio blaring Melissa Etheridge junk food in the back seat us holding hands! When we do we have to stop at a little Mexican restaurant called Mr. Villa in Washington! This man on the train that I had breakfast with recommends it, his son owns it! You still owe me! You’re supposed to take me to the top of sears towers! I’m going to hold you too it! Maybe I will hold it against you! Can I hold myself against you? Hmmmm! Why is it that when people drink they never shut up? And once again my hopes are up! How is it that you can do that to me? All you have to do is say you love me with conviction in your voice and I melt! At that point you could get me to do anything! Stop! Wait, don’t stop! I just want to scream! Scream how much I love you, how much I want to hate you, how much I don’t want to hate you! Just scream to get it all out! I love you, I love you, I love you! Have I said I love you yet? I know you can’t be but I wish you could be there for Christmas! I would give anything to have you with me for that! Ok so people are not always as they seem! The guy with the two Hispanic kids that I was complaining about, he keeps the kids during the summer! Then takes them back to their mom! He is actually really nice! We talked of Chicago and the clubs there as well as the underground scene! It was nice! Sleep is calling and I shall not ignore! Sweet dreams! Anyone want to meet me there? I love the colors of fall! Like someone took a paintbrush to all of the leaves! Bright orange and red Hughes! Why do people rake all of that up? Do we rake up the flowers that we plant in the springtime when they start to color our green grass? The rain is making its appearance on the train windows. Although not outside I can smell the rain mixing with the fallen leaves! Its smells heavenly! The man with the two kids left this morning while I was sleeping. I wish I could have said goodbye! He was a good person! We passed by a thing built by a man that looks like Stonehenge! He was a Quaker! I find it ironic that a Quaker built something in the image of Stonehenge which as history tells us has something to with witchcraft! Apparently he had a wife who was in Washington, he built her this mansion, brought her to it, she looked at it and said no thanks and went back to Washington! If some man built me a mansion with his own bare hands I think I would drop to my knees! No? This guy just came in he smells like cinnamon rolls! Makes me want to lick him! I doubt he tastes as good though! Why do small towns have to look so dead? Why can’t they have nice houses? Instead they are full of trailers and such! That’s not really fair! I want to live in a small town, but I don’t want to live in a small town full of trash! I would like my neighbor to have teeth and to shower! I wish you were here to share these colors of fall with me! I love watching people! They have lots of stories to tell and yet they don’t even know it! Like this boy, the one that smells like cinnamon rolls, he is going to be a great father! And though he doesn’t know I know, he dreams of it! I love the rain! I love you! I love the smell of rain on you! God I miss you so much! How is it that you can have your cell phone in your pocket for three days on a train and it never falls out once but the second you get off the train and are on stable ground it falls into the damn toilet? Someone? Anyone? I really do love the rain! I really do love you! I’m almost home, but I wish I was heading in the other direction! Heading back to you! It’s amazing how all it takes is a look for someone to understand you and both of you to start laughing! The point to all of this writing, well there isn’t any! I started it and realized it made me feel better! So I didn’t stop! There was no plot here, no reason, no story line or climax. It’s all just random thoughts at random points during my trip! You will read it and not understand it! You will be upset at the part where I wrote that I knew it wasn’t going to work out! My sister will read it and at the part where I talk of the girl who looked innocent like a child will look at me and call me a pervert as a joke! But no one will read this and truly understand it! They will not read it as it is meant to be read! This was not meant to be a love letter to you, although towards the end it became more and more that! It was just meant to be me! And well I am in love with you! Makes sense right? So to end this journey all I have to say is, you have my heart still! All of the little pieces are in your hands! You will be the only one to ever hold it in your hands because I know that I will not ever want to share with anybody what you and I have shared! Please help me to mend it and to keep it safe so when we have a family of our own I will have a heart to share with them! I feel that my mom didn’t have one to share with us and I don’t want that for my family! I end this letter with three words that are simple and yet powerful! I love you Jackie! And I always will! Love, Angela P.S. I still want my pearl! © 2008 AnnaRoseAuthor's Note
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