Sunken Galleon

A Poem by Annie Wilthew

I am waiting for my galleon to land

Yet a rocky pier is where I stand

This galleon would be shredded to slivers

Yet I still wait here while wind wails and quivers.

I dreamt my galleon would hold precious things

To supply me through the world's moody flings.

I yearned a ship would take me aboard

To venture on legends never heard of before.

This gallant galleon would faithfully glide across the ocean

Even when waters smashed every hopeful notion.

When I felt sick and the brine of the sea made me ill,

My ship would cradle me and rock me til still.

And then, when my soul is nourished to health,

I'd climb to the highest mast and view the constellations' wealth.

Yes, our sailing tales would endure

Beyond the fading sunset's robes of grandeur.

I patiently wait for my galleon to land

I wait through shifting of Time's sands.

Although this galleon shall never float to my pier

The fetters of hope strap me eternally here.

© 2012 Annie Wilthew

Author's Note

This one has trouble being smooth, but I just wanted to hear everyone's thoughts on it anyway :)

My Review

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Reviews

David Michael

Some help on the smoothness issue you mentioned.... You're right, there is some rhythmic issues. A few lines too long, a couple too short. General comments on that - don't be afraid to leave words out, to imply things. It is poetry after all. You shouldn't be spelling everything out for the reader.

For instance, "This gallant galleon would faithfully glide across the ocean" is much too long. A couple easy improvements would be to delete "the" before ocean - very common in poetry, and usually okay unless it hurts clarity - and change to "across" to "over" (or even "o'er" if you're comfortable with that), a much smoother word. However, there's a bit too many syllables in "gallant galleon would faithfully" - it's cumbersome. If the meaning behind "faithfully" is that you can count on the ship, it isn't easily sunk, it'll be with you through thick and thin.... Then you could use "safely" instead.

I'd like to get rid of "would" and just make it present tense (in the timeless sense - this ideal galleon just does these things, exists this way, unchanging; it's the present tense used in the sense of "Sheep eat grass [in general]" as opposed to "The sheep are eating grass [right now]"; did that make sense?). However, this is the first time you use the "would" tense, so it's important we get that sense. After this point you could safely change the tense to simple present.

I think another issue is the "gallant" and "galleon" together. I see the point of the alliteration, and like it to some extent, but it would be better if it weren't so "in your face", separated like, "This galleon, so gallant, ..."

So a possible rewording: "This galleon, so gallant, would safely glide over ocean." This still feels cumbersome, though. I think either "gallant" or "safely" needs to go, to be said elsewhere or just implied. "Glides" sort of implies safe passage, but then you lose the sense of "faithful". If you get rid of "gallant" here, you could revert to "faithfully" and it would flow well.

Sorry to spend so much time on one line. I could have just presented you with the finished product, but I thought it was an important learning experience to see how I got to it.

Two lines later, you could safely cut out "and" and "the" to get, "When I felt sick, the brine of sea made me ill".

The constellation line is also too long - I'll let you work on that.

The following line is way too short. It feels ended after "beyond" - i.e. it could use a couple more syllables. It's a good place for an adjective / adverb. Perhaps here you could use "gallant".

Hope all that helps - the rest is fairly smooth, though maybe in places there could be small improvements. I enjoyed the poem overall - good imagery, nice idea. I like the last two lines - it ends strongly.

Posted 12 Years Ago

For instance, "This gallant galleon would faithfully glide across the ocean" is much too long. A couple easy improvements would be to delete "the" before ocean - very common in poetry, and usually okay unless it hurts clarity - and change to "across" to "over" (or even "o'er" if you're comfortable with that), a much smoother word. However, there's a bit too many syllables in "gallant galleon would faithfully" - it's cumbersome. If the meaning behind "faithfully" is that you can count on the ship, it isn't easily sunk, it'll be with you through thick and thin.... Then you could use "safely" instead.

I'd like to get rid of "would" and just make it present tense (in the timeless sense - this ideal galleon just does these things, exists this way, unchanging; it's the present tense used in the sense of "Sheep eat grass [in general]" as opposed to "The sheep are eating grass [right now]"; did that make sense?). However, this is the first time you use the "would" tense, so it's important we get that sense. After this point you could safely change the tense to simple present.

I think another issue is the "gallant" and "galleon" together. I see the point of the alliteration, and like it to some extent, but it would be better if it weren't so "in your face", separated like, "This galleon, so gallant, ..."

So a possible rewording: "This galleon, so gallant, would safely glide over ocean." This still feels cumbersome, though. I think either "gallant" or "safely" needs to go, to be said elsewhere or just implied. "Glides" sort of implies safe passage, but then you lose the sense of "faithful". If you get rid of "gallant" here, you could revert to "faithfully" and it would flow well.

Sorry to spend so much time on one line. I could have just presented you with the finished product, but I thought it was an important learning experience to see how I got to it.

Two lines later, you could safely cut out "and" and "the" to get, "When I felt sick, the brine of sea made me ill".

The constellation line is also too long - I'll let you work on that.

The following line is way too short. It feels ended after "beyond" - i.e. it could use a couple more syllables. It's a good place for an adjective / adverb. Perhaps here you could use "gallant".

Hope all that helps - the rest is fairly smooth, though maybe in places there could be small improvements. I enjoyed the poem overall - good imagery, nice idea. I like the last two lines - it ends strongly.

Rating /100