Chapter 5

I see absolutely nothing of Kiros for the next three days.  I start to miss him but I'm still so relieved by the way things ended between us last time that I'm in no hurry to let that go. When me and Kiros fight, everything sits in the pit of my stomach and I feel like I could be sick or go and hide in a tree. When we're just being us, it feels like there's nothing in the world but where we are. I hermit for the next few days, reading and generally day dreaming. On the third night I hear a rapping on my glass door leading to the balcony. I know who it is before I even open my curtains. I leap from my bed, almost falling over my silk dressing gown that I've thrown on. I whip my curtains open and Kiros is hovering over the ledge and staring at me. I don't know why but it takes me a few seconds to remember I have to open the door to let him in. The rains are pouring down so hard and heavy that it's like this sheet separating us.
I open the door and shout at him through the downpour to get inside before his wings are waterlogged. Kiros drips water absolutely everywhere and I hand him about half a dozen towels and forbid him to sit on my bed until he stops mopping my floor with his body. Kiros hasn't said a single word to me and I begin to wonder what he's doing here. Then I see he's been wearing the same clothes since I last saw him. He's a complete mess.
"Oh god... what happened to you?" I ask. I get off the bed and go straight towards him, he doesn't move and is still making no plans to dry himself off. I carefully pick up a towel and start on his hair, Kiros doesn't look at me and as I pick up a new towel to start drying his feathers he speaks.
"I'm okay. I needed to think. But I'm okay."
"Where have you been, sweetie?" I ask gently. I'm absolutely aching to know but I don't want to pry.
"Not sure. Out."
"It looks like you've been gone for days. I wondered where you were. I was getting worried."
"You shouldn't. I can take care of myself, Violet." His tone turns from mechanical to slightly accusing as his sentence progresses.
"That's not what I meant,  I just don't like it when you vanish."
"I know. But I'm fine. I have a life that isn't you!" He suddenly pulls away from me and pauses at the door. Hearing him say that has stung me. I'm aware I'm not the only person in the world. It doesn't mean I can't care.
"Kiros, you're wearing the same clothes, it looks like you left your home and never went back, now if you didn't feel bothered about seeing me, why are you here?" I force myself to be as sharp as he is to hide that I'm nervous and getting upset fast.
"I don't know!" He says. His temper is flaring, I don't know what it is I've done but whatever it is, it's really frustrating him. "I don't know why I bothered to be honest, Violet. Whenever I try and talk to you, you speak to me like a child."
"And when I try and talk to you, you make light of everything when I need a serious talk! You act like a child, Kiros then I will bloody well treat you like one!" My voice is raising now. Kiros doesn't raise his voice. It becomes so calm that it upsets me so much more, like he doesn't care.
"That's what you do though isn't it? You mother people, you completely smother them! You have to know absolutely everything and if you don't, it's like some personal insult to you."
"With you yes it is! Whatever happened to telling each other everything? Whatever happened to us?"
"I don't know. I need to take care of a lot of things right now and I can't do it with you around." As he finishes this sentence, I lose it. I sit down and feel everything weigh me down. What does that mean? I fight so hard not to start crying, it will only make it worse.
"Why?" I question him sadly.
"Because you can't fix everything!"
"Then why did you come here? I must be able to do something! Tell me, please!"
"Violet, I'm not talking about this any more. Let's just change the subject." At this I decide I want to test his patience. Get it out of him somehow.
"Well it's my room, I decide we're still talking about it."
"Ah see! You want to be everyone's overbearing mother and you're little better than a toddler! Get a grip! My life is not yours and as soon as you learn that, the sooner we can get over this. You push me to the edge, Violet! Is it any wonder I disappear for days on end? Really? I need to get away from your shoving somehow." Silence deafens the room. I am left speechless. I knew it. It's me.
"Get out." I whisper. "Get away from me. I don't know what we are anymore. I don't know who the hell you are anymore. Get away from me. I have done nothing but be around when you need someone. So do what you want."
"Well goodnight then." Kiros says airily and he's gone. I slam my door shut after him and slam my fists through the glass, screaming with hurt, anger and the pain of slicing my hands open and then at annoyance that I have no door and it's still tipping down. No one comes to my bedroom so see what's happening, guess they're all out or can't hear. I check to ensure no pieces of glass are embedded in my hands and silently bandage them up, I wince as it stings but don't allow myself to make a noise. I pad outside and know exactly where I'm going as I take flight in the heavy rain.

"Ethan!!" I scream pounding on his door. The git had better be home. It's killing my hands to beat at his door like this. "Ethan let me in!"
Ethan finally opens the door and I barge through without waiting for an invite.
"What's got you in a lair?" He sniffs.
"Kiros! He's done it this time, Ethan! Apparently I'm the cause of all his problems now! He needs to grow up! I can't do this anymore. Look at my hands for god's sake! And I broke my door."
"You punched through glass that strong? I'm impressed!" But I'm in no mood for compliments. I rage for what could be years. Eventually I give up altogether and cry. He's not here now, what does it matter? I can shed all the tears I want without the lecture. Well Ethan will probably tell me to man up but I'm used to him being gobby. Kiros is never cruel to me. Well, he never used to be.
"Violet, Vi, Violet Dawn!!" Ethan is successful at stopping me from bawling at the sound of my full name. "You really don't know him at all do you?"
"I know him! He's my closest friend, Ethan! I know he has a temper sometimes but he's... why are you nodding?"
"Just because he's a pure angel, doesn't mean he doesn't behave as callously as the rest of us."
"What the hell does that mean?" I snarl. I can rant all I want about Kiros. But if Ethan is going to make yet another cheap attempt to show me it's not all it's meant to be then I might turn away from him completely.
"It means your perfect angel that you are forever bitching about has never treated a person like they are living, always looking for the next punching bag. Wake up, Violet! Look at yourself and see what you're doing. In pieces on my living room floor with bandaged hands and why? Because you know it's not real. Those people we see, the ones who brawl in the street and batter each other to death? He's one of them, a back alley champ, I play around a bit, we all know this but it's in fun, he chases people down and he will do whatever it takes to wring out his temper."
"You're a sodding liar, Ethan!" and before I've even finished, Ethan grabs me by the back of my hair and jerks it up so I can't look away from him. His face centimetres from mine he speaks softly
"Then let me show you."

I sulk at Ethan's brutality but follow him nonetheless. Whatever he is trying to do, it won't work. I know that Kiros and Ethan have never seen eye to eye on how to treat me and I admit I haven't made it much better because I automatically seek comfort with one when the other upsets me. They are my closest friends and I wish they could forget the flaws I've ranted over and remember the thousands of positive things I have said. Ethan is a lot more guilty than Kiros for that. He seems more troubled when I actually praise Kiros when I think about it and I'm sure he's lying to me, found someone who looks like Kiros. It's obvious I'm upset and I won't forgive him for trying to make the situation worse.
We walk for about ten minutes, the rain continues to drizzle on us from the light polluted sky. He leads me down an alley similar to the one we use when reaching his flat. But instead of pausing halfway down, he leads me all the way to the other end of the alley. I can hear screams long before we reach the end, not screams of pain, from a small crowd and they are baying for blood. Of course Ethan knows where all the street fights go on. After all he participates when he needs an outlet or to feed. I begin to feel incredibly nervous, and as Ethan leans against the wall at the very end of the alleyway, I lean against the opposite one and decide I really don't want to be seen. Ethan moves his head as a gesture for me to look round and see who the fighters are this evening.
Very slowly, I lean forwards so I can see, about a dozen people lined along the filthy brick walls are calling and jeering and in the centre, two people are battling viciously using any body parts they can. One fighter is facing me, a clearly starved vampire desperate for blood. He's fighting as much as he can but it's obvious to me that he's losing, his body looks weak even from here and I can't believe his opponent feels no compassion. It's horrible to witness, they continue to battle fiercely even when I hear bones crack. I wince as the opponent strikes the vampire hard in the jaw, breaking it and knocking him unconscious. This is obviously not a death match. As long as someone is out cold, that's what matters. If they happen to get killed, it's no big loss. That's how it works in these streets.
The opponent still hasn't turned to face me. He's leaning over the vampire, maybe checking to make sure he hasn't actually killed the poor guy. I don't need to see his face. As he stands he tilts his head back and his wings burst from his skin. They replicate the sky, starting off black as night at the tops and spreading into dark shades of blue, the tips ending in a blue the colour of a summer sky. I finally see Kiros's long, fair hair. I know instantly it's him and I have a horrible feeling I knew all along. I'm not sure if I'm going to be sick or scream or hell why not just pass out altogether.
"He's been doing this most nights for weeks." Ethan murmurs, I had forgotten he was here. "Walk away, Vi. Just walk away, you can see now." He thinks he's doing me a favour. I want Ethan away from me. He's done enough without jeering at me to abandon my best friend. I had no idea you could love and loathe someone so much at the same time. I think the look on my face says everything and I slink out of the alleyway and into the bricked up circle ahead of me.
I don't say a single word as I witness Kiros enjoy his triumph, he might not even turn around at all, just take off and all the spectators are far too busy cheering this disgusting sport to notice I've joined them. I have no clue whether Ethan is still behind me, all I can do is watch Kiros. I may as well have been there all along for all the attention the spectators give me, they file out until it is just me and Kiros in the alley and he has yet to spot me. I wait until the last person is gone and finally cannot help myself anymore.
"Good was it?" I say coldly. He spins around, eyes cold, his face is spattered with blood but whether it belongs to him or the vampire, I don't know. I shake my head and march at him, he doesn't move and I start trying to hit him. I swear and scream and call him all the names I can possibly think of until he grabs me by the wrists and pushes me against the wall.
"Because you're so perfect, Violet!" He roars at me. "I don't need to you to fight any of my battles, you treat me like I'm weak! All you ever do is push and I don't need it. I don't need you! You've seen tonight, I can handle it all on my own and I am so glad I can do something you don't whine to be a part of."
"I can see you, Kiros. All you're doing is damaging yourself! You're going to end up killing somebody and you dare to try and blame it on me? You make me sick, you're a liar and that's all you ever were!" I stop shouting and try and get through to him "I can see your soul, it's not just frayed anymore it is dying! I can't let this happen, not to you. Please."
"Stop talking like that to me. Acting like you want to help me. You just want something to control. I can't do this with you. I have to be away from you!"
"But why? Why? What did I do? Why am I so bad? I'm sorry if it turns out I have never done anything but hurt you! You told me I was helping, I thought I was. I didn't know."
"It's not something you can ever understand. We're not us anymore, Vi. It's time we called it a day. It's just not something I can do anymore. I'm sorry." He lets go of my wrists. I beg, I plead for him not to let go. But the more I say it's hurting, the colder he becomes to me. It's as though the words are there and I've forgotten how to understand them. We repeat ourselves so much and in the end, as the thunder rolls over us again and the rain begins to pound the ground, I shake my head and back away. Kiros turns away from me and he takes flight in the downpour. I cannot fly. I just run. I run and I run until I'm home. I don't even reveal my wings. For the first time in so long, I go through my front door.

It's over between us now. I just know it. I'm so numb, the reality of losing the closest person I have ever had in my life hasn't sunk in. My hair, face, my whole body is cold and dripping from the rain. There isn't any way we can say things like that to one another and come away from it. I love Kiros. He was the oh so vibrant light in my tunnel of misery and despair and loss. He was the one good thing to come from it and it turns out in my tunnel, he was little more than a train. I'm not so sure I have ever cared for anyone quite so much. He took care of me the way I have always dreamed someone would... but whoever that was tonight, it wasn't Kiros.
I'm still standing in the hallway, drenched and staring at nothing. Lucien emerges from the kitchen in front of me, making me jump. He has a towering bacon sandwich in one hand which doesn't help the sickly feeling embedded in the pit of my stomach.
"Hello!" He says cheerfully. This is where I think the guy is a blithering idiot half the time. I am clearly not skipping in from the rain in joy. Everything about my body language must emit signs of pathetic despair. I don't say anything back, I just stare. "Are you okay honey?" He asks, again fairly oblivious to the fact that I'm not, I don't think I have actually used the front door since I was about fourteen. When we were together I always used to tease him by flying up to the balcony and having him run through the front door to catch me up. Just so I could at least get a head start and be all ready to do whatever when he reached my room.
I shake my head and the tears fall. I've had enough. I can't do this. People are always going away. I loved Lucien with everything I had, I haven't been the same since in fact, I'm looking right at him and it feels like I haven't seen him for years. Now I'm going to have to have that same feeling if I see Kiros. Now this is the point where Kiros would come over to hug me, make me tell him what was wrong and I'd sob and do those massive breath things in between explanations that my world was crashing down yet again. Lucien just stands there munching.
"What's up?" He asks about halfway through. I scowl at his clear disinterest and don't know why he's bothering. I start to stalk past him but he grabs my arm. "Hey, you can tell me. Come on, what's wrong?"
Well, whether he really cares or not, I don't know but I relive every second of it anyway. From the fight in the bedroom to seeing Ethan to the final horrors of that disgusting alley. I tell him I've never felt less wanted or more isolated in my entire life. Lucien watches me as I tell everything to the last person I thought I would ever go to for comfort since we split up. When I'm finished, I edge past him in the hallway and go upstairs to my bedroom but Lucien follows me.
"Look, thanks for everything but I'm really tired now, all I want to is sleep." I say to him, I don't know why Lucien is looking at me so intently or maybe what's worse is I know exactly why.
"You don't have to right now." He says softly. He moves in closer to me and I realise I haven't unloaded a burden to him at all, I've simply told him I'm vulnerable and he likes that. He forever boasts about how much he likes a challenge but everybody knows Lucien only wants to get what he wants without having to bother with making any kind of effort.
"Erm... yes I do. Goodnight, Lucien!" I say pointedly but he pulls me back, smiles and kisses me. My first instinct is to push him off me and tell him to stop being such a b*****d. But he's a b*****d who isn't telling me I ruin this life and although some distant part of me knows he's taking advantage of my sadness so he can have a girl for the night, I don't care. So leaving the landing away from where we can be seen. I shut down every emotion I have and let him take advantage.