Jazz

Something I wrote a short time ago...a little bit of music, a little bit of passion, a little bit of regret...

 

Chasing away temptation,

I try not to see your eyes,

through this smoky room,

wall-to-wall, bliss filled sanctum,

where jazz drips 

down red walls, and

trickles off of every table.

 

I dip my finger

in my drink,

absently stirring

what’s left of the liquor

while I stare at your shoes

to avoid your smile;

 

I lose myself in the high notes,

wanting to press into you

and rock to the rhythm,

head on your shoulder, hands

snug at the nape of your neck,

feeling your breath on my cheek,

anticipating your words,

as they growl low in my ear,

hanging on your intonation,

and shivering as your hands

become tangled in the loose

strands of my hair

while your kiss captures the sigh

just before it escapes my lips,

 

but instead I order another drink,

double confusion with a twist of regret,

and scold myself for being too responsible,

desperately desiring that lost sensation of ecstasy.

Reviews

[Satine]

Right off the bat stanza one gives me a kick-a*s visual of a smoke-filled jazz lounge but I think I'd really like to see this piece done in the present-tense. If you pare it down just a bit and try where ever possible to use (ing) endings I think the piece would really sizzle. For example;

"Chasing away temptation,
try(ing) not to see your eyes,
through this smoky room,
wall-to-wall jazz dripp(ing) (maybe lose the "like rain" bit since it's so overused?)
down red walls,
trickl(ing) off every table."

Just a thought, but don't you dare change a thing about the final stanza...lol..."double confusion with a twist of regret" rocks!

Satine