Forty Years

Dealing with the past, emotions.

Tears
Come, at times,
Expressing what is
In my heart.
Thoughts
Of trying
Of failure
Of joy.
Sometimes,
My choice was
Correct,
Perhaps, not.
I wanted
Love,
To please.
But, somewhere,
I forgot
The me.
Not about serving
This ego,
But honing
The tools of joy.
Oh, my heart
Grieves, yet
That reflection of
Your disdain:
All that I
Could not be.
Not what
I am.

05/31/2022

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

Sad poem reflecting on 40 years. Not one of us is perfect. We do what we can. However we are not going to please everybody at all times. There will be disappointments. The word disdain is not an easy one to forget.

Chris

[JayG]

Does chopping the sentences into two or three words really change them? From my seat, it just makes the reader harder. In fact, you left the spaces when you did the chopping.
- - - - -
Tears come, at times, expressing what is In my heart.
Thoughts of trying, of failure, of joy.
Sometimes, my choice was correct, perhaps, not.
I wanted love, to please.
But, somewhere, I forgot The me.
Not about serving this ego, but honing the tools of joy.
- - - - -
Think about this from the viewpoint of a reader. Someone we know nothing about is talking about themself—without giving the reader reason to want to know. So yes, everything you say is true and accurate, but what's in it for the reader, emotionally, but "Oh...okay?"

My point? Talking to the reader is a nonfiction technique, and as interesting as any other report. But turn it around. Instead of saying something like, "I cried at the funeral," make the reader have reason to weep. Poetry is all about emotion—not ours, but what we induce in the reader. Like it or not, the reader is there to be entertained by being made to feel and care, not be better informed on our lives.

Yes, it's harder to do, especially as we have no experience in doing it when we come to poetry. The thing we forget is our goal, which is, as E. L. Doctorow puts it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

Some resources you might find useful:

For structured poetry and the basics of prosody, look at the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled.

For poetry in general, the Shmoop site is useful. Select Student, then, use the midpage button to select Poetry. Lots of greats there, analyzed to great depth, to show how and why they work.

And finally, Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook is really interesting and useful. I was surprised to find out how many vowels there really are. You can download it free here:
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

So...not what you were hoping for, but sometimes we're too close to our work, and emotionally bound to it, to see.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Ani Ashford]

Wow! You re-wrote my whole poem. Thanks. Saves me the trouble.