Drowned

The cold wind swirls anxiously in the air,

bathing the faces of two still-born lovers with icy,

 delectable palpitations;

they remind one another of how cruel nature can be

 and through their fervor

  separate themselves from the rest of us.

They frolic hand-in-hand along the beach,

 leaving the rest of the world to stand idly by,

  yearning for a single taste of the happiness they share

  but knowing forever that their lives are nothing more than

 drowned, washed up emptiness

compared to the thriving ibis

 fluttering high above the ground

  and totally detached from what lies beneath it.

They're separated by oceans and yet every day

 they dream the other into existence,

  unsure of who precisely they're seeing but understanding fully

 that everyday is filled with sadness

and every night they'll be alone.

 

Reviews

[J]

One nitpick for you to consider... this part:
"fluttering high above the ground
and totally detached from what lies beneath it."
--to--
"fluttering high above the ground,
totally detached from what lies beneath it."
--I personally think the "and" is extraneous here, and actually makes this transition jar; taking it out and replacing it with a comma gives it more impact I guess. Obviously, just my opinion.

With that out of the way, I really do think this is a top-notch piece. It's evocative and detailed, yet it doesn't give the game away; the wavy lines that you've used further accentuates the feeling of two lovers that are drowning in oceans of sadness (like everyone else has said, bolding this message was very cool, and gives it that extra dimension... kudos on using this trick effectively and in a way which totally suits).

I dunno man... I know I could ramble for another half an hour about this but I just wanted to say that I genuinely enjoyed reading this. The feelings of loneliness, of alienation almost, in a world where the love between two people is a lifeline and also a shield... is emphatically felt.

Beautiful poem.
J

[Erik Bergstrom]

Yes, back to basics on this one. Except this time, I have no petty arguments to move this line there or shorten this line. You've got the knack for it now and so you should take the string and run with it haha. Did you like that metaphor? I can be a poet! Ha...er...anyway. There are many clever and beautiful lines in here, and needless to say if you keep writing like this you've got a wide horizon ahead of you. Love the picture too, man. Your art knows no bounds.

[L. L. Jacobson]

p.s. i don't know why my review looks like that- the placement of the sentences-
I'm at work and unfortunatelely this is a mac, and those ads on the right push the sentences a strange
way, and when I edit, nothing is much different. I'll delete this review tonight
when I get home and fix the previous.

love,
me

[L. L. Jacobson]

The two of us stand forever drowned beneath oceans of sadness- An absolute brilliant
intertwining message beneath a substratum of perfect words chosen to complete an astounding poem.

This poem is extraordinary in the connection and paradox of the two being happy, holding hands on the
beach, walking and being as if they are the last two lovers alive. Interesting how the hidden sentence,
a sort of cryptic communication, when deciphered, shows the reader that in the happiness of their daydreams, the reality is they are really separated by those vast oceans, and all they want more than anything is to be together.
I am madly in love with this poem. It is the best poem I have ever read on this site, and perhaps in any endeavor of
reading, and if I have your permission, I'd like to use it in the Aphrodesiac series at some time,
when I have the muse, to share your beauty with every eyes and soul here.

You are an amazing, beautiful person.

[Sarah Williams]

Hauntingly beautiful...this piece has such an incredible flow and rythem (which I didn't fully expect when I first saw the long-lined form). From time to time there are pieces that I read which just "work"...everything about them, and this is one of them.

"They're separated by oceans and yet every day
they dream the other into existence,"--so, so beautiful!

"but knowing forever that their lives are nothing more than
drowned, washed up emptiness
compared to the thriving ibis
fluttering high above the ground
and totally detached from what lies beneath it."--amazing lines!

[Pierce Franklin]

I too like the underlying sentence, as well as the phrase "still-born lovers" - it has something timeless and eerie about it. Some of this reminds me of the one I wrote, in the imagery and sentiment, particularly this bit:

"yearning for a single taste of the happiness they share
but knowing forever that their lives are nothing more than
drowned, washed up emptiness
compared to the thriving ibis
fluttering high above the ground
and totally detached from what lies beneath it."

Very nice image, and a great poem overall.

[Melina]

Nice! I liked how you bolded those words to stand out to create that lovely sentence. Very creative! :)

[Jazlean]

the two of us stand forever drowned beneath oceans of sadness.
brillant.
and for me the water was cold.
there are some peoms that little can be said about..but wow these are some powerful words that i can can even relate to-for i have yearned.
great peom chas just dont get washed away in any seas of despair..ok?
well done,
~Jazlean

[Michele]

Great poem. Very dark and seems kinda angry.

[Avoiry]

This is written nicely despite all the bold made my eyes want to jump, thats my attention span for you, i liked the wording but it left me feeling cold to core. nice work

[Leah Simone]

The two of us stand forever drowned beneath oceans of sadness - that blue undertow is powerful - The dream each other into existence a wake alone - still alone - This is a wonderful write and I could feel the longing and even the momentary joy of their dreams - Leah