Drowned

The cold wind swirls anxiously in the air,

bathing the faces of two still-born lovers with icy,

 delectable palpitations;

they remind one another of how cruel nature can be

 and through their fervor

  separate themselves from the rest of us.

They frolic hand-in-hand along the beach,

 leaving the rest of the world to stand idly by,

  yearning for a single taste of the happiness they share

  but knowing forever that their lives are nothing more than

 drowned, washed up emptiness

compared to the thriving ibis

 fluttering high above the ground

  and totally detached from what lies beneath it.

They're separated by oceans and yet every day

 they dream the other into existence,

  unsure of who precisely they're seeing but understanding fully

 that everyday is filled with sadness

and every night they'll be alone.

 

Reviews

[J]

One nitpick for you to consider... this part:
"fluttering high above the ground
and totally detached from what lies beneath it."
--to--
"fluttering high above the ground,
totally detached from what lies beneath it."
--I personally think the "and" is extraneous here, and actually makes this transition jar; taking it out and replacing it with a comma gives it more impact I guess. Obviously, just my opinion.

With that out of the way, I really do think this is a top-notch piece. It's evocative and detailed, yet it doesn't give the game away; the wavy lines that you've used further accentuates the feeling of two lovers that are drowning in oceans of sadness (like everyone else has said, bolding this message was very cool, and gives it that extra dimension... kudos on using this trick effectively and in a way which totally suits).

I dunno man... I know I could ramble for another half an hour about this but I just wanted to say that I genuinely enjoyed reading this. The feelings of loneliness, of alienation almost, in a world where the love between two people is a lifeline and also a shield... is emphatically felt.

Beautiful poem.
J

[Silent Kim aka mizmetap..]

This is brilliant. "the two of us stand forever drowned beneath oceans of sadness" So deep is the ocean and for sadness to be drowned in it tells how sad you can feel. The creativity of the hidden message is refreshing and inspiring. Full of longing and passion. Sweet love with sadness. Excellent write.

[Phyllis Jean Green]

Reverberates with the two-against-the-word mentality that has bound lovers since time immemorial. . .at least at the early stage. (Not that it ever goes away, but you can't stay cocooned forever, can you.)
Love the form, by the way. Feel like it is probably one that more knowledgeable poets recognize -- that it is a formal 'type.' [?} If not, you deserve even more hosannahs for creativity.

I am somewhat less fond of "delectable palpitations." Love the way it s o u n d s. If you say it to yourself, it f e e l s sensuous. Just that I'm not sure it is in the right spot.

Still. . .I enjoyed this! Look forward to reading more of your creations.

Write ON!!

'Pea'

[Colin H.]

Very powerful... I love this.

[Jenn]

I love what you've done in the form of the poem, not only highlighting the message within the poem, which I thought was a really nice touch, but in the indentation of the lines as well. I feel that format heightened your theme of water by creating a shoreline effect. I don't know if that was your purpose, but that's how it appears to me, and I think it's a creative effect. Overall, I love the duality of the poem. You're able to capture both happiness and sadness in a moment, and it's quite lovely.

[April Child]

Interesting piece, I mean nothing is at is seems and that is so often true of much that we perceive. I love the "stillborn lovers" line and the poem within the poem. I could feel the emptiness of the piece but I didnt fully understand why until I read your explanation which I have to say I did appreciate. I know that we should write words and not lay it all on the line and the reader should work a little but I guess I am lazy or nosey and I do like to understand what the writer is trying to convey. Re-reading your words with that knowledge brought the poem home for me. Tightly written piece except for that one superflouous 'and' already mentioned.

[Constance]

I like the way this is constructed, poem within a poem. Distance is hard, with the one you love. You become desperate to cross that distance, no matter what it takes, as I finally have- or, you let it go one day, because you couldn't cross the distance, it was too far.
I don't see anything I would change in this piece. It seems to have flowed right out all in a grand order.

[Destiny]

You are every good at drawing the reader into your work. I love the way a great poem rolls off the tongue like an incantation or plays in my mind like an unforgettable film. Your piece has done both. Your diction was very suitable for the mood you set. You've strung together very powerful words that make the reader forget they are reading a poem at all, but are really living in the poem. Quoiting my favorite line would be difficult but the phrases that stood out most to me were,

"bathing the faces of two still-born lovers with icy,
delectable palpitations;"

"They're separated by oceans and yet every day
they dream the other into existence,"

Very intense, the mixture of passion and sorrow. Very enjoyable. Thank you for writing!
♥Destiny♥

[Jeanmarie Flaherty]

I am positive I am no the only one who shall, or has, written this in my review, but oh my...


"the two of us...."

And there you have it, pieces within pieces that scream the complexities of love, the strength of which you cannot pull apart and, ironically so, the very same strength that dissolves love into the weakness of nothing....though nothing can be so tangible when we're confused, can it not?

I wish I had more, more time to write what should be said here, but I will leave you with the idea that your words are slipping through me right now and oh, I know, just how deep, cold and unforgiving those oceans can be....


Beautiful work!!!


love.jmm.

[James K. Blaylock]

Wow, I really dug this piece. It seems so sad, but somehow still hopeful.

[Bethica Williams]

A poem that I completely connected with. Your descriptions and detail are fantastic and the poem flows very well.
Well done.