I can't do this with you any more.....

"I can't do this with you anymore"

The words she spoke froze
mechanically
   in the air,
deathly still like a
blistering
   winter's breeze
that left my cold, desolate heart
barely beating and
   begging for a second chance.

 

At that very moment,
I was twelve years old again -
feeling detached
and alone,
and lying face-down,
   covered in mashed potatoes
and the center of attention
for all the wrong reasons
   in front of all the wrong people.

 

Love is give and take,
and so after an eternity of
   taking grief and crying herself
     to sleep at night,
she finally chose to give.
'Tis the season to give,
after all, but like the old proverb says,
it really is better to give
   than to receive.

 

My heart beats on,
but only as a cracked, empty shell,
sincerely bled and
   missing everything that kept it alive.
She never knew how much she meant,
but only because I never said;
   there were no words to say,
but only because I never opted to
say them when the time was right.

 

Now, without her,
I find the time is always right
and that my lungs have all the
energy required to say
   what really needed to be said,
and at night,
   when I pass her in the market,
I feel myself growing thin and
   needing to feed upon her warmth.

 

It's only after you've walked alone
that you realize how much
   the missing part of your soul
     really matters;
I realize that now,
and each time I see myself in a mirror,
I'm left wondering how exactly she
  got away,
and how exactly I lived without her....

Reviews

[Erik Bergstrom]

This was touching, one of those pieces that touches the cores of everyone, because we all have a similar connection, whether it's small or big.

I liked the indented lines -- were those meant as small interjections into your main thoughts? That's how I read them. I read them as whispers, to be honest. Quite effective style.

My favorite lines were:
and the center of attention
for all the wrong reasons
in front of all the wrong people.

I guess it didn't really have to do with the rest of the poem, but here you've taken your ability to make images like ones from your stories and add them to your poetry. And then you used those lines to end it, strong words that I couldn't have thought up myself.

If only I could write poetry, I'd know what else to say. But I did truly enjoy this piece.

[Robert Luna]

This is a great piece. Most time when I read love ending poems on here I don't comment on them because my mother always taught me if can't say something nice than don't say anything at all. But this piece is different It made me feel that i was the one in the story and someone was telling my thoughts and actually conveying them for everyone else to see. I always love for a poet to capture and emotion or a scene in time and just place it on display for everyone to see and admire.

I tend to lean more toward darker poetry. People seem to be able expression depression and loneliness better in their words. When I read something, I want to get into the mind of the writer. I feel you have done this in this piece.

Your ability to make me believe that this more than just words on a page. That there is truth in your words and they are acting out your thoughts and emotions. I must say it is refreshing to see a poem that expresses raw feelings. Thank you for sharing this piece. Great Job!!!

[Roy Jacobs]

Oh man. You got me this poem brought tears to me eyes because I can relate. I wrote "Loved in a Glimpse". This poem is so full of shattered emotions and sadness. It is true and it has a melancholy beauty. You don't know what you've lost until it is gone. I know there will always be a missing piece of my soul. Good job.

[Lyttleton]

So, if this is just a hypothetical poem, I am flatly flummoxed. I would have guess this was a completely honest retelling of your experience... largely because it has just the right level of over the top intensity that this situation would warrant, and because there is a deep well of emotion in this.

What I appreciate about this so much is that you do give real, true life details. It would be so easy to write this as pure lines of poetry, all emotion, none of the true to life experience. And many people would praise your lines and your emotional depth, but I would be bored, because I think good poetry doesn't have to be 'prose poetry' to still tell a story. That's why I loved your 2nd stanza most of all, I think that's where you really open up and just lay it all on the line.

After rereading your 'give and take' stanza, I like it more than I did the first time I read it. At first I was just thinking it was the same old clich� about relationship give and take, but I realized that there was something darker in there... the 'give' she gave was not just about how much she gave for the relationship, it was also like her giving you an ultimatum, one you (in this story) failed to live up to. (Well, that's what I see at least.)

The final stanza leaves me cold, maybe just because it's a summary paragraph, and I think it kind of breaks down that fourth wall that you've so nicely established. It feels like a soliloquy from the same speaker, only 30 years down the line, older and 'wiser'. But the thing is, I don't want the wisdom handed to me... the wisdom is already there in the words, in the story, in the mere existence of the poem. Don't tell me at the end, just continue to show me as you have been doing.

I don't know about your real life marriage situation, but I hope this was completely hypothetical and that you are madly in love. Best of luck man, this was vivid.

[The Guerrilla Warhol]

second stanza- magnificent.

"missing everything that kept it alive."
thats the sweetspot of the poem, man.
and about the heart no less.
good work.

[Zachary Dolan]

You don't mess around.This really hits the reader in the gut.I haven't read a thing written by you that didn't blow me away...Most of the time lines like:"My heart beats on,but only as a cracked, empty shell,"don't seem poetic enough and seems like the writer is getting stuck in a cliche...yet it didn't even occur to me to think that...your sincerity comes out in these lines...you really do seem to speak from the heart...Maybe it isn't the words that are important in this piece...it's more the emotions behind them...Once again, you impress me with your ability to go just a little deeper than I expected...

[Avoiry]

All of it is stong and hits you head on once again you have done it. Love it

[Kara Emily Krantz]

hmm... this is really powerful.... especially since it's you imagining. i guess sometimes we need to imagine this stuff, just to keep it all into perspective.

"Now, without her,
I find the time is always right
and that my lungs have all the
energy required to say
what really needed to be said,
and at night,
when I pass her in the market,
I feel myself growing thin and
needing to feed upon her warmth. "

that entire verse is just so powerful. i adore it.

hugs!

[Jazlean]

wow. there isnt much i can really say about this, but dont worry that is a good thing, it really is captivating.
it is decribing and putting a picture into an emotion, a feeling. and not just a general feeling (like sad, angery..etc.) but a specific feeling when in a certain circumstance. it puts me into the picture and i feel like i am there experiencing it to.
i feel the sadness and the pain...

look what i am really trying to say is this is another incredable peice, i LOVE IT.
well done.

[End]

Nice story but, why does every poem have to tell one? Form can be appreciated unto itself, I feel. Prose is great but then it's more story-like than poetry is. This, to me, isn't true poetry. Poetry was invented by ancient people, not us. Why change the way something was intended to be written? Stories and poems shouldn't be mixed and married, in my humble opinion. I'm not against free verse, in fact, I use that format also, though I find it is more of a good tool for unlocking good poetry, than good poetry. I like this STORY , though it lacks consistent structure for a good Poem. Thank you for our opinion on my poem, too. :)

[End]

Nice story but, why does every poem have to tell one? Form can be appreciated unto itself, I feel. Prose is great but then it's more story-like than poetry is. This, to me, isn't true poetry. Poetry was invented by ancient people, not us. Why change the way something was intended to be written? Stories and poems shouldn't be mixed and married, in my humble opinion. I'm not against free verse, in fact, I use that format also, though I find it is more of a good tool for unlocking good poetry, than good poetry. I like this STORY , though it lacks consistent structure for a good Poem. Thank you for our opinion on my poem, too. :)