I can't do this with you any more.....

"I can't do this with you anymore"

The words she spoke froze
mechanically
   in the air,
deathly still like a
blistering
   winter's breeze
that left my cold, desolate heart
barely beating and
   begging for a second chance.

 

At that very moment,
I was twelve years old again -
feeling detached
and alone,
and lying face-down,
   covered in mashed potatoes
and the center of attention
for all the wrong reasons
   in front of all the wrong people.

 

Love is give and take,
and so after an eternity of
   taking grief and crying herself
     to sleep at night,
she finally chose to give.
'Tis the season to give,
after all, but like the old proverb says,
it really is better to give
   than to receive.

 

My heart beats on,
but only as a cracked, empty shell,
sincerely bled and
   missing everything that kept it alive.
She never knew how much she meant,
but only because I never said;
   there were no words to say,
but only because I never opted to
say them when the time was right.

 

Now, without her,
I find the time is always right
and that my lungs have all the
energy required to say
   what really needed to be said,
and at night,
   when I pass her in the market,
I feel myself growing thin and
   needing to feed upon her warmth.

 

It's only after you've walked alone
that you realize how much
   the missing part of your soul
     really matters;
I realize that now,
and each time I see myself in a mirror,
I'm left wondering how exactly she
  got away,
and how exactly I lived without her....

Reviews

[Erik Bergstrom]

This was touching, one of those pieces that touches the cores of everyone, because we all have a similar connection, whether it's small or big.

I liked the indented lines -- were those meant as small interjections into your main thoughts? That's how I read them. I read them as whispers, to be honest. Quite effective style.

My favorite lines were:
and the center of attention
for all the wrong reasons
in front of all the wrong people.

I guess it didn't really have to do with the rest of the poem, but here you've taken your ability to make images like ones from your stories and add them to your poetry. And then you used those lines to end it, strong words that I couldn't have thought up myself.

If only I could write poetry, I'd know what else to say. But I did truly enjoy this piece.

[Water_the_Sun]

:( I didnt go through exactly this situation but i can empathise, in a way.

Very well written, its great to see a decent poem about love, especially love lost, that isnt repetitive and simplistic.

Your use of imagery, and alluding to other situations in the speakers past, are very well done. The formatting is lovely, and it really seems like you should set this piece to words.

And in some odd way it kind of reminds me of "I, Strahd"... not sure why but it does..

[Christina]

wonderful work, you capture the essence of living without someone you deeply love so well,...it's heartbreaking. great style and imagery, i could really relate.
keep it up.

[Melaniespace]

this was extremely beautiful. i reverted to a time where i can say i felt the same.

[This Page Does Not Exis..]

I sometimes wonder if great writers, like yourself, are more than just "artists"...but mathematicians in there approach to structure, truth and finite possibilities. Your writing exudes more than just expression, but a confidence in the format in which it cannot be "right" or "as meaningful" if the number, or formula is flawed.

It is this concept [of precision in manifesting intangibles] that spark my interests in the belief that scientific and strict-governing formulas also correlate to beauty, expression and ALL the intangibles...Ultimately, requiring a successful artist to have a sincere, fundamental intelligence and an understanding of balance....which requires them to yield to laws governing expression.

This is purely rhetorical and has no practical affirmations (that I know of), just a thought--provoked by your writing and your emails.....

This piece is dynamic, beautiful, and taps into a deeper psychology and perspective that the narrator realizes exist within himself...

[Travis Lawrence]

Great work here, I doubt I could add anything the 26 other reviews have already said, but I like the straightforward language and syntax, you don't hold anything back through abstracts. This is all about honesty and loneliness and self-consciousness.

"At that very moment,
I was twelve years old again -
feeling detached
and alone,
and lying face-down,
covered in mashed potatoes
and the center of attention
for all the wrong reasons
in front of all the wrong people."

I love this part because I really can feel this, being a child and embarrassed. It's a clever and clear way to get that self-consciousness across. Way to go!

[Jeanmarie Flaherty]

Okay. You.Stopped.My.Heart. It's sitting in my throat right now begging me to allow it to crawl out and scream to you.

First stanza was written with tears, they stain ink and make pain exactly what she was meant to be...surreal and somewhat insane...

The second stanza, how time releases herself when she presents of with a situation that, oh dear God, please no, we.can't.deal.with. So she races backwards, for certainly there is no forwards anymore, and dissects our heart, mockingly, so we realize life is nothing more than a merry~go~round playing music that should make us smile but instead chills the soul.

Fourth stanza, I wanted to shake you, Dear, and tell you that the time is never, ever wrong...ever. But you figured it out before I had a chance to completely breathe the words and this made me ache just a tiny bit more...


And the end is INCREDIBLE. Your last few lines sigh and scream and contradict themselves in a way that is completely understandable...and I'm left nearly empty, waiting, longing to only be held.


AMAZING work...in your own words, brilliant.


love.jmm.

[Cynthia L. Cavett]

I can relate to this poem on so many levels. Being in a marriage is more work than our parents or any adults ever told us. Instead of a massive wedding, more time should be spent on the actual preparation of staying with that person for 50 years! You've so eloquently described the heartache that comes with being rejected in your marriage and have captured what many husbands and/or wives have felt. I hope this doesn't actually happen to you, because the actual process of losing someone is by far - devestating. Thank you for sharing this.

[Conversing Empty Words]

"At that very moment,
I was twelve years old again -
feeling detached and alone,
and lying face-down
in a middle school cafeteria,
covered in mashed potatoes
and the center of attention
for all the wrong reasons
in front of all the wrong people."

This is an AMAZING analogy. The best I've seen in a while; and my eyes are picky. I find it strange that I admire every other stanza in this piece. I'm not much a fan of the cliche's. Starting with the above stanza and skipping every other, I'm impressed.

And, no one can ever do it anymore when love is inequivelant. Loving is living, and living is loving.

[SolomonSavant ~ The Rog..]

Saw this on the What ifs contest... and I had to check you out. This write is wondrous... definitely phenomenal. I'm a new fan.

[Madelaine]

I really like your sense of describtion, it made this poem flow so well.

I absolutly love the last stanza. That whole bit about how you realize how much the missing part of your soul really matters, that was fantastic. I really liked the second stanza too. I dunno, it just really had me. I can see the "miss," but I'm not sure if it's that clear and powerful. Nice write, and thanks for entering. :)