Revelation (Untitled 3)

We live forever tethered

to the grave like

pink gelatinous parfúm,

strapped nonchalantly to

the white ceramic face of a urinal

waiting

just waiting

to be used up.

 

We spread ourselves

paper thin

throughout the world

and leave behind

pieces of ourselves,

lingering

unnoticed

throughout the room

until finally we’re used up…

 

…watered down and empty,

forgotten and unseen,

we’re left living as skeletons

(in the closet)

of our past selves,

so cold and watered down.

Just watered down

and used up.

Reviews

[Nicole Hellene]

LOL!!!! I GET IT NOW!!!! LOLLOLOLOLOL!!!

[Anhedonia 1349]

Not toilet paper at all: Think a little deeper.

pink gelatinous parf�m...

It's that pink, toilet freshener thing. I saw one the other day that was down to its case with nothing left and it reminded me of dying.

Better?

[Nicole Hellene]

In regards to the guy that said he didn't want to make a fool of himself, I'll do it for him.

It makes me uncomfortable that you're describing toilet paper. It's almost like that joke "what's long and tubular and filled with seamen" (a submarine). I didn't much get it either, but the description is good (for whatever that's worth).

[Erik Bergstrom]

I don't really get it (I don't get much poetry) but I liked it nonetheless. It sounds great and uses a lot of provoking imagery. Favorite line:

strapped nonchalantly to
the white ceramic face of a urinal

I like when you get creative like this. Keep it up.

[Miss J]

snap snap...j/k

but for real this was good. kinda depressing in a sense but it didn't stretch to the surreal. you keep the realness of life in the readers face, down to the nitty gritty.

my fav part would be at the end of stanza 2 and the beginning of stanza 3, how you connected them with the "...." yet the spacing was disconnected. nice eye play there. also loved the first stanza's metaphor. great snatching beginning.

suggestion would be to change "watered down" at the end of stanza 3 to "empty", the repetition was too close for me which made the last stanza come off kinda ugh. and then the last stanza, take out the first line and start with "so". the "just used up" came off as you talking to the reader instead of you just showing the reader. just suggestions though :D

you should have more revelations... :D

[Merancapeman]

GRRR!!! Stupid thing erased my review!!!!!

The point is, I wish I knew what it was your describing. I had a few thoughts, but I wouldn't want to make a fool of myself right now!

In the end, it kicked the emotion into me, as was most likely intended. No, I don't feel horrible, but it did put a pit in my stomach! Don't worry, it's not in a bad sense. If ever you feel like spoiling the surprise, make sure I'm the first you tell! Of course, I don't know if it involves life in general, but it does pair with many situations. I suppose that's the beauty of it, no?

[Marc Mccune]

interesting and thought provoking metaphors.
Especially from a male prospective.

[L. L. Jacobson]

I feel the prevalence of a person feeling insignificant here. You do so many things, act just yourself, and in the end, the pieces you leave behind are always taken for granted by others.
This is why life is pain.
I like the pain with all the pleasures, but also,
to be appreciated is crucial.
..Because I certainly don't feel appreciated at this exact moment in time.
Thanks for this.
I appreciate you and every piece you deliver.
I have received your message; you are the crow; I carry that wisdom with me.