I just put my boys to bed.

I don't usually write like this.

After spending 2 1/2 days confined to a hospital room with my youngest son, my heart feels like it's going to explode.
I didn't realize just how much the little things are important- the hugs, the little kisses, the "I love you's", the way he thrusts slobbery food in my face and stares me down with those huge brown eyes of his, demanding "EAT mommy".

The circumstances of him being in the hospital were terrible, but I enjoyed the one on one time with him and realized just how much he loves to roar like a dinosaur and take endless wagon rides down the bright white walls of the pediatric hospital unit, around and around. I've never pulled a wagon for so long in my life. But I was so content to do it with him lounging back against his teenage mutant ninja turtle pillow, clutching his dinosaur and staring with wide eyes all around at his surroundings.

I realized just how friendly and happy he is, even with IV's in his arm and steroids running through his veins.
I don't know how he does it.

I never understood until this weekend just how much he loves me and idolizes me because he doesn't know his dad like his brother does and he never will.
He has me and his brother.

I cried today when we got home because the first thing I did was start cleaning up and then it felt wrong. F**k the cleaning. Spending time with my boys is more important that how tidy the house looks.
Who cares how behind on laundry I am? Who cares that the dishwasher needs to be loaded?
I've been distracted by the little things and that's made me miss the big things.

I don't know what I would do with myself if anything ever happened to my boys. I wish I could just stay home with them all the time.
I always wondered what that sick feeling was in my stomach every time I dropped them off at daycare and hightailed it out of there to get to work on time.
I miss them.
I need to take more time off to spend with them.

I just feel like my heart is going to explode.