I'm A Survivor But Not Done Struggling (My Story)

This is inspired by BuzzFeed videos on survivors of domestic violence, assault and abuse. If you want to see the videos go to YouTube/BuzzFeedVideos.com or YouTube/BuzzFeedYellow.com NO Promo

I'm a survivor but I struggle on a day to day bases

I've been this way since the six grade.

A little girl in a new state

new school

starting over with her mom and sister.

All I wanted was a friend

a best friend.

Someone to share my secrets with

someone to cry with

someone to laugh with.

But all I got was

fear.

I'm a survivor of assault

even though I was just a kid at the time.

I didn't think a sleep over

would turn into a nightmare.

Even though she was my best friend.

Even though I said stop.

Even though I try to push her off.

I'm a survivor and I am still struggle with this

even though its a little easier now.

I'm a survivor but I struggle on a day to day bases.

I didn't know my mother's only marriage

will still cause me to have nightmares

still for four years.

All I wanted was for her to be happy.

To have a "normal" family.

I thought I could have that

till a beer can was open.

I'm a survivor but I struggled with depression

fear and anxiety 

sleepless nights

and quick moves.

 "It will never happen again" he said

"I'm sorry, babe" he said

"I'll stop drinking he said

But I was all a lie

or a fail attempted.

I jump when I hear yelling

I cringe when I see his beer

I get scared when I hear a door slam

I am scared.

Even though he can never touch me or my mom

even though he can never yell again

even though he will never touch a drink again

even though he cant even see his only son again.

None of it was worth it.

It just ended with an over dose

and his mother finding him in a sleep he will never wake from.

And yes, I cried when I got the news.

Because he was the only father I ever had

even though he was related to me by blood.

I'm a survivor and I struggle on a day to day bases 

but I am moving forward

and refusing to be a victim all my life.

I don't want to feel like I'm stuck

I don't want to feel like I'm drowning  

I don't want to feel like I have to watch my back 

I don't want to be scared.

I struggle but each day gets a little better.