Chapter 1- Nightmares (?)

Returning to Tarrant was just an escape from nightmares in the city, but when nightmares starts to evolve to reality and the dreams gets worse, Angel starts doubting if this was the right choice.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to descend to Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport. We hope you enjoy your stay in Dallas. Once again, we would like to thank you for choosing Royal Airlines.’

“Tarrant, here I come.” I mumbled under my breath. It’s been two years since I visited Tarrant and I was nervous. Memories of my last visit to Tarrant that summer flooded my mind. The last time I was here, I had made friends with my aunt’s neighbors’ daughter, Hailey. We’ve been emailing and I finally decided to come back here.

After a few hours of dealing with the airport personnel, I made it out of the airport and took a taxi to Tarrant and I rode it for sixteen miles without a toilet break. As I got out of the taxi, Tarrant was still as I remembered it"it was sunny and the scenery of my aunt’s villa was still amazing. I dragged my luggage up the front porch of my aunt’s villa and rang the doorbell. The door opened and my aunt was surprised to see me. “Angela!!!” she squealed. She welcomed me in and hugged me.

“Nice to see you too, Aunt Emily.” I said. She was exactly how I remembered her, warm and friendly. And she still smelled of apples which was the best thing about her!

“You too, darling. Hailey has been asking me when you’d get here and I promised her you’d go visit her at work so, why don’t you go visit her and I’ll unpack?”

“Really?! You’re the best, Aunt Emily!” I was so excited to see Hailey again. I rushed out of the villa and headed to the National Forest State Park where Hailey worked as a Sherpa guiding campers and hikers in and out of the forest.

As I was running, the weirdest thing happened; I was far away from the forest but in a matter of seconds--I was there but I didn’t know how. All I knew was when I started running, the scenery seemed to be moving and it was as if I was just standing still.

“Angel?” I turned around and saw Hailey who was in absolute shock! “Angel!! You’re here! In Tarrant!” We both ran towards each other and jumped up and down like a bunch of teenage girls--no pun intended. “I can’t believe it, how’d you get here?” she asked.

“I--I ran all the way from my aunt’s… I think.”

She was confused but we didn’t care, we were so excited. She pulled me towards a group of her friends. I knew a few of the girls and two of the guys but my attention was towards Lucas, I remembered him from the last time I was here. He was still the same; quiet, mysterious and intense. I remembered how I wanted so much for him to notice me and how much I missed him when I went back home. Most of all, I missed his eyes"his golden pair of eyes which shone in the sun.

“Angel?” Hailey drew back my attention from Lucas. I blushed, not realizing that I was staring at Lucas so intently. “You remember the guys right?”

All I remembered after that was the sound of my heart was beating fast but I managed to calm down when talking to Cameron and Fiona. Lucas was talking to the guys, namely Connor and Tommy. Suddenly, I could hear a loud ringing in my head and my feet collapsed. All of a sudden, I was on the ground with my hands covering my ears. Stop! Stop! was all I could think off.

“Angel? What’s wrong?!” Fiona asked, crouching beside me. “Hailey, what’s wrong with Angel?”

Hailey was panicking, calling my aunt--her voice was shaking but I couldn’t hear anything after another loud ringing entered my range of hearing. “Stop..!” I muttered. Everybody was panicking and worried but Lucas wasn’t, he was calm. My head ached and the loud ringing hurt so much. I looked around and on top of the trees; I saw the same shadowy figure with something in his hand. I shut my eyes closed because I didn’t want to see it. It was a nightmare! No! It’s starting all over again.. Stop!!

Then, the ringing stopped. “Angel, open your eyes.” I opened my eyes and Lucas’s face appeared in my line of vision. I couldn’t stop staring at his gold-colored pair of eyes and they reflected my image. “You okay?” he asked. His voice showing genuine concern.

“Maybe…” Lucas pulled me up and helped me stand. Hailey was beside me, looking very worried. “Sorry. I made you worry, didn’t I?” I felt dizzy.

“Yes, you did! What happened back there?” she asked. There was no more ringing and when I looked up, the shadowy figure was gone. Was it all just my imagination?

“Didn’t you hear it?” I asked in bewilderment. Hailey shook her head and the others asked what I heard. This wasn’t making any sense, it was so loud. “The…ringing sound. It was really loud.”

A bottle of water appeared beside me and it was Lucas. He handed me the bottle and I took a big gulp of water--not because I was thirsty. My throat and lips felt dry. “You should stay in the shade. You probably experienced heat stroke from running all the way here.”

Fiona, Cameron and Hailey brought me inside the cabin where the sherpas assembled for work. It was sort of like an office. “Maybe you should sit here and rest for a while. You were really scared just now, right Cammy?” Fiona said.

“Let’s give her some space, guys.” Cameron said. “Fiona, you think Tommy can lend us his jeep? We should bring her back.”

“I’ll go ask.” As Fiona left, I clutched my silver pendant. It calmed me down whenever I thought about the nightmares. Hailey sighed and sat next to me. “Looks like the summer didn’t start out as spontaneous as we planned, huh?”

She giggled. “Are you kidding me? You in the brink of fainting and Lucas holding you in his arms, I’d call that spontaneous.”

We laughed and talked about a lot of things. But something bothered me, how could they not hear that awful ringing? It was so loud; I thought my ears were bleeding. “How come you guys didn’t hear the loud ringing?” I prodded.

“Nobody heard anything. You know, Lucas could be right about the whole heat stroke thing. It was just your imagination!” she assured.

“No! It was painful and it was real. Hailey… something weird is happening! This all sounds crazy but--”

Hailey was shocked and definitely confused but I was scared and she knew it. “Whatever happened to you has a rational and probable explanation, Angel. Nothing weird is going on. I promise.” Her words comforted me a little but it wasn’t enough to shake me of these irrational fears.

‘knock-knock’

It was Fiona. “Sorry to interrupt but Tommy says he’ll drive you back to your aunt’s if you want to, that is.”

“Yeah, I think I should head back for the day. I’ll see you later, H.” I said. Outside was bright and hot but I didn’t believe that I experienced heat stroke or anything else. I saw Tommy in his jeep and Lucas was inside the jeep too. I climbed in and sat behing them. “Thanks for helping me out, Lucas.”

“No problem. Hope you don’t mind extra company, me and Tommy are gonna pick up some extra hiking gear from the shop.” He said. I didn’t mind his company at all. There was something about Lucas that I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. From the first time I met him, he was distant and brooding but when he opens up, occasionally, I find that I’m drawn to him. It was a scary feeling and not entirely unpleasant.

***

Tommy drove back to my aunt’s villa just north of the National Forest and dropped me in front of the villa. I walked back inside the villa to see my aunt being so worried about me. “Thank goodness, you’re alright! What happened?” she asked.

“Heat stroke, Aunt Emily… but I’m fine now.” I added.

“Next time, please don’t run to the National forest! Good grief, your mother will kill me if you get sick. Take my car, I hardly use it anyways.”

“Thanks. I’m gonna go and take a cold shower.” I went upstairs to my room and sat on the couch. I closed my eyes and the room smelled exactly alike, the scent of lavender and lilies filled the room. I must’ve fallen asleep because next thing I knew, I was back inside that nightmare.

“No-no-no!!! I don’t want to see. I don’t want to see it anymore!!” I was running away from the same darkness again but this time that monster was chasing me. I looked behind me and saw a body. I didn’t know who it was laying on the floor but extreme emotions surged inside of me. I was devastated. I didn’t care that I was running towards the monster, all I wanted was to be beside the body.

I crouched down beside it and I was crying. The monster caught me in its arms and I fought; trying so hard to get away from him. Evangeline, the monster’s sister, was lifting my savior’s body and I was angry"furious. Why was I angry? I’ve never felt such intense raw emotion before… why did he matter so much to me?

“DON’T TOUCH HIM!!!” I yelled. “Don’t you dare touch him, you monsters!! I’ll kill you!! I swear to God that I’ll kill you!”

The monster was laughing; he was amused by my threats. He threw me against the wall like I was nothing. “Don’t make me laugh. What can you do? Make petty threats against ME?! You can’t do anything for the likes of him.” he sneered. He was mocking me; his eyes, his tone…they were all mocking me. “Evangeline, dispose of that garbage! Such an eyesore should be taken care of.”

She snapped her fingers and black fire appeared out of nowhere. She threw him in and I felt as if all air had been sucked out of the room. I grew dizzy. I couldn’t say anything… I couldn’t breathe. One word was all I could muster up to say…

“LUCAS!!!!”

Someone's P.O.V

Evangeline entered my chambers with the elders. They seemed unhappy but it'd do them good to speak when told. "Sister. Elders. What do I owe the pleasure?" I said.

The elders looked frightened. They should be. Evangeline was the only one who dared bring anyone into my chambers when I am sleeping. She kneeled in front of me and so did the others. "Brother, the elders are wondering if our plans have succeeded yet. They doubt our abilities." she smirked.

I chuckled. The elders were kneeling in front of me--I circled them. "Doubt. You people doubt MY abilities and my sister's as well." Their scent was delicious. All that fresh blood stored inside powerful creatured of the dark. "Kill them." I ordered.

Evangeline, in the speed of light, wielded her dagger and sllit their throat and stabbed them in the heart. The sound of the agonizing pain they felt was music to my ears. Blood pooled on the floor. "All their blood just dripping on the floor." she said.

"They should never doubt me. Clean this up, Evangeline. They interrupted my dreams."

"Yes brother."

My eyes closed and so begins the nightmare. Dream, Angel. The nightmare is about to begin.

Author's Note

Tell me what you think? I edited it 3 times so it might be different from when you first read it.

Reviews

[Max Murphy]

First and foremost, my critiques are in-depth and unbiased. They are not to point out flaws in your writing with no purpose, but to assist you in developing as a writer and improving this piece. This is merely the opinion of one person and should not be taken as final and nor should offence be taken.


Hook:

Opening with dialogue is always difficult for a few reasons. Readers don’t know who is talking and they won’t find out until the end of the dialogue. This can be frustrating for readers as they often have t go back and read the line again once they discover who is talking.

Also, dialogue as a hook tends to mean very little to a reader, simply because they have no context. They don’t know what has happened to warrant the dialogue, what it pertains to, whether it was a response to something or just instigating a conversation. Now, these may seem simple things, which essentially they are, but these simple things make a huge difference.

Perhaps try some action to catch the reader’s attention, maybe mention something about turbulence and the protagonist worrying about what it could be. Then bring in the dialogue of the announcement. The initial action is always a good hook if done well and readers would instantly be gripped at the thought of a possible airline crash etc.

The second paragraph of the opener sets out some exposition which is fine. The reporting clause – dialogue tag – describes how he spoke. Dialogue tags can be troublesome, the best is often simple he said/she said or use action, describe his gestures or facial expressions. Complicated dialogue tags, especially with long adverbs, tend to take attention away from the dialogue.

Also, it may read smoother to say ‘my aunt’s neighbour’ as opposed to ‘aunt’s neighbours’ daughter’. Despite being her daughter, she lives in the same household so is still the aunt’s neighbour and it omits the awkward second possessive which stunts the natural fluency.

Structure:

I noticed from the instant that this is first person. This is a difficult perspective to write in, namely because of the repetition of personal pronouns to start sentences. This is not a writer fault, it is difficult to avoid. Occasionally stepping away and rephrasing to comment on scenery or observations will help to avoid constant ‘I did this, I saw that’. It is a good perspective to make your reader feel a part of the book and experience every facet of your character.

There are some instances of ‘tell’ which can bog down a piece and pull a reader out of the story.

‘He was still the same; quiet, mysterious and intense. I remembered how I wanted so much for him to notice me and how much I missed him when I went back home. Most of all, I missed his eyes"his golden pair of eyes which shone in the sun.’

This is an instance where we are told he is quite and mysterious and that his eyes shone in the sun. This description could be wrapped in action to show this. Perhaps mentioning how the sun illuminated his golden eyes as he stared at her in silence. This places the description amidst action and eases delivery to the reader. There are a few other instances where ‘show’ will ease the delivery of information.

Description:

There are some areas that could have more description about what is happening. The incident where she keeps hearing the ringing is good but gives only minimal information. Using all five senses to helps. Perhaps the headache creates a nausea or disturbed vision. Blurred vision or pain across the brow is not uncommon.

There is very little scene setting, a forest is mentioned but there is no mention of specific sights or even smells. There would be smells of grass and distinct smells depending on tree type etc. All these add to the reader’s enjoyment and the more you can give the reader to absorb and feast on the more engrossed they become in the book. One of the advantages of the first person is the connection to the reader and you can use this to your advantage by giving all elements of description.

Characters:

There is very little for the reader regarding Angela, and this leaves her a little flat in areas. Her appearance is never really touched on and personality traits could be developed even further to make her deeper and allow readers to empathise with her more.

Overall, this is a very nice piece with massive potential and you have a sound grasp of writing.

There are some small areas to attend to, but nothing is ever perfect and often takes many revisions to get right. The change of perspective at the end is a nice twist. Perhaps steering away from blatantly stating it is another’s POV and just sectioning it off with a page break, let the reader discover this for themselves. If tweaked, this could be a very nice and original feature.

Excellent work, a pleasure to read. Good luck.
Max

[Sam]

......................... I am speechless...... No idea what to say...... loved it!!!!! (btw: who the *bleep* is Lucas?)