The Ultimate Betrayal

This is a true story that happened to me 10 years ago while on my journey of discovering my sexuality.

The Ultimate Betrayal

By Angela Paulson

  People come and go in our lives, like the seasons of the year. This person in my story, is a perfect example of that analogy. This woman was, at one time, a close friend, a confidant, and I'd even say, a sister. However, she is none of those things anymore, because she betrayed my trust in the worst way. Although it’s now 10 years later, I still find it very difficult to forgive her. If I ever see her again, unlike in the past, I would confront her, although it’s unlikely I’ll run into her. What she did made me less confident in myself and in others for a very long time.

   First, a bit of back story, so you know the beginning:

October 2010, a couple months before the story starts.

  I was 22 & ready for my 23rd birthday in a month. My parents decided to leave the States, and move to Mexico,along with my little sister and I. We moved into a house that was on top of a mountain, in a little community, where we knew all the neighbors, and became good friends with many of them. One was the person who would betray me, whom I’ll call Jill. She was a  really nice woman from Mississippi. She and her husband, who I'll call Peter, really enjoyed Mexico. My parents would host parties, and would invite the neighbors over quite often, Peter and Jill among them. As time went on, we became close.

  I don't remember how the conversation started, exactly, but Jill wanted to learn Spanish, and since I could speak it, I agreed to teach her. As time went on, Jill and I would meet, and work on Spanish. But the more time I spent with her, the closer we got. I had lost touch with my friends back in America, so I really had no one. She became my closest friend. I felt like I could tell her anything. We did a lot together. We went to the market, went out to eat, spent time by the pool, and at her place. I really liked her, and I felt like I didn't have to be lonely anymore. Even though she was 27 years my senior, I felt like we had known each other forever, and classed her as my best friend, even a sister. I trusted her with my life. That's why, when she betrayed me, it shattered me to the core.

  Fast forward to February 2, 2011. Jill and I were spending the afternoon together. We got lunch, and chatted like old friends, even went for a nice walk. It was a nice, sunny day, warm for February. She had mentioned a back massage at one point, and I offered to give her one, because I’ve been told I give a good massage. We went back to her place, and it was then, when we were in private, that I felt safe to tell her my secret. A secret that I hadn't told anyone. I came out to her. I told her that I was lesbian, which was how I felt at the time. I basically said that those were the feelings I was having, although not about her. She was accepting, seemingly. I asked her not to tell anyone, especially my parents, because I wanted to come out when I was ready. I wanted to be completely sure this was what I wanted before I made it official. She promised me that it would remain between us, and I gave her the back massage I had promised before returning home. I felt happy because I finally didn't feel alone. I felt accepted, and like I had a true friend, who I could share things with. I felt safe and secure when I went to bed that night, but I had no way of knowing just how wrong I was.

  Saturday, February 5, 2011 started off as normal. I was on my computer, minding my own business, when a voice drew me out of my reverie.

  "Angela, we need to talk." It was my father's voice. Instantly, I felt nervous, like something bad was about to happen, or already had happened. Reluctantly, I followed him back to his room, where my mother was waiting for me as well.

       "You discussed family business with Jill," my father said. I was confused. Family business? With Jill? When? I never told her things that were just meant for the family.

  "Uh, family business? I don't remember telling her something that was family related," I replied in total confusion.

  "You told Jill something about yourself, that you’re lesbian." he replied.

  It took me a minute to register, but once it sunk in, everything went ice cold. It felt like my entire body, and its insides were plunged into A bucket of ice water,as it dawned on me that I had been betrayed by my best friend. My stomach was tied in knots,, as I felt a wave of stress and anxiety wash over me. And if that wasn't bad enough, I found out that not only had she told my parents, but she told her husband and her pastor as well. I had asked her not to tell my parents, for a very good reason. I wanted to make absolutely sure this was what I wanted, and that it wasn’t just a passing infatuation with women,  before I decided to come out. I planned on coming out eventually, but I wanted to have everything in order first. But she didn't listen to me. She did not keep it a secret, like she had promised. She went to my parents, husband, pastor, and lord knows who else.

  To make matters worse, my mom mentioned the back massage I gave her, after I had spoken my secret, making it appear that I was trying to hit on Jill, even though I knew full well she was married. I was fuming at that point. How could she have done that to me? I don't remember the exact words, but I told my parents I was ready to confront her. They basically said that I needed to make better choices, I shouldn't have told her, and that I came off creepy by offering the massage,, then giving it to her after I told her my secret. It was a coincidence, as I had offered earlier that day, while we were out. When she told my parents, she basically made it out to be that I was acting creepy, and they believed her, hook, line, and sinker. They never asked me for my side of the story either, they believed her completely, without so much as a by-your-leave. Worse yet, they told me that if I confronted her, I would be breaking her trust in them, and that I would never be allowed to see her again, which, in retrospect, I could care less if I saw her or not, or if I broke her trust. After all, she had broken mine, so why not give her a taste of her own medicine? Well, hind sight is 20/20, and I’m a lot braver now than I was back then, so those thoughts didn’t cross my mind, not to mention,  I was scared of the repercussions, so I kept my mouth shut.

  The rest of the day, I got lines thrown at me, like, make better choices. They never stopped to think how I felt about it. They just took her word for it, and completely ignored everything I had to say. I wanted to confront her so badly. What kind of a friend was she, to stab me in the back like that? How dare she betray me. I wanted to call her every name under the sun for what she did. But I was too scared. If she betrayed my trust once, then chances are she would again if I confronted her, so I kept quiet.

  I didn't see her again until nine days later, which,  coincidentally, was Valentines Day. I was outside, taking out the trash, when I heard a voice say my name excitedly, no need to wonder who it was, I knew her voice immediately. I felt the anger building inside me,  but fear won out in the end, so I fought back my impulse.

  “Happy Valentines Day." She said.

  "Thanks, same to you," I replied.

  All of a sudden, she got really emotional, thanking me for trusting her like a friend, and coming to her to let out my secret. I thought to myself, “Like hell! You betrayed my trust and told everyone that would listen. What would make you think I would still want to trust and confide in you?” I wanted answers. I felt I deserved to know. But I just couldn't do it.

  "You're welcome," was all I could muster, in a soft, dejected tone.

  It’s been ten years since this happened to me, and my good friend, and figurative big brother, Robbie, says he’s very, very proud of me for finally coming out to everyone. I am officially out of the closet, and proudly identify as bisexual, leaning lesbian. I say leaning lesbian because there is a slight attraction to guys, but I strongly prefer women. I openly stated that my goal was to have a wife by the time I turn 40. I haven't found Mrs. Right yet, but I'm looking forward to the moment when I do find her, and I'm sure our journey together will be nothing short of phenomenal. I also moved back to my home state of Arizona, the place I was raised, and lived for most of my life, and I'm finally living on my own.

  As for Jill, it’s been years since I’ve spoken to her, but if our paths crossed again, I wouldn't name call, like I wanted to do back then, but I would confront her. Jill, if, by chance, you're reading this, I just want to know, why? Why did you betray me? You knew I wanted to be completely sure before I came out, so why did you tell them? And why did you make it seem like I was being creepy? Did you think I was going to try to take you away from Peter? If you did, then you clearly don't know me very well. I have a lot more class, and respect than that. I knew you were with him, and I never wanted to come in between you. I looked up to you like you were the big sister I never had, and always wanted. I reached out to you, because I trusted you, and I felt like I could tell you. But you told my parents, and at least, Peter, and your pastor. Who else did you tell?

  I don't know if our paths will ever cross again in this lifetime, or if they'll cross when I breathe my last breath, but when we do eventually meet, I want to know why. I deserve to know.” The lesson I learned from this, beware who you trust as your closest friends, because you never know who is true, and who is a snake in the grass, waiting to strike its next victim.

Author's Note

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