Not a Hero

Are there really good people and bad people? Or only good and bad deeds?

Not a Hero

How the hell’d I end up here on this cold a*s street? This city ain’t never gave Alex nothin’. When I was a boy, this place had promise. Oh yeah, e’erbody thought we was risin’ like George’s town done did. ‘Jobs, jobs,’ them smiley politicians always said. But look at us. We dried up. Ain’t no decent house nowhere. No good high neither. Even the weed dried up in this shithole. 

That’s it. Time has come, to get your butt up outta here. Find a better rag town to lay yo a*s. Some place with movie stars - good lookin’ b*****s. Bet they got a white high over in George’s town, bet all them workin’ jockeys beg for that A-1. Just need a ride, that’s all. Where am I gonna find me a decent ride?

Oh well now, what is this? Look at this halo b***h. What she think, I’m her charity case for the week? Gonna save the world - gonna save the milkman  - the one who lost his truck? Come on, baby. I’ll let you save me. You gon’ save me that stash cash -- 

Mmm hmm. Look at her, swingin’ those hips - she know what she do. Bet she get off on it. She like it when tha milkman get thirsty. Come on, b***h. Keep comin’. Bring tha milkman his money.

__________

Unhh, my feet are on fire. Usually takes more than three hours on this tile floor. I don’t know how I can serve lattes for eight hours and still have a brain left to memorize three hundred sixty human joints. Wait, no, August, no. That’s self-defeating. Of course you will do it. Well, probably. OK, no, definitely. You can do it! Just don’t screw it up. I should probably think about something else. Some one else. Get my mind off my feet.  

That man outside looks cold. He’s rocking and shaking. I guess he’s homeless. I could take him a cup - just black. I don’t think Mr. Osler would mind. I mean, really, he probably doesn’t have a dollar. Of course he doesn’t. Is it just enabling him? Is he dangerous? God, August, you’re so selfish sometimes. How hard is it to take a man a cup of coffee? What, are you scared of him? You think you won’t see worse than him in the ER? You gotta be tougher. Don’t be so weak. 

I should have grabbed my coat first. Is he looking at my n*****s? I really wish I had my coat. Was this a mistake? No, August. Shutup! You’re so stupid. He’s homeless, he doesn’t care about your n*****s. Just reach out. Just hand him the coffee. He’s not gonna bite you - or stab you. OK move, you have to move now. Damn it August, quit staring.

His eyes look strange. Is he high? Why is he grinning like that? OK, this was a mistake. Why won’t he take the damn cup?

__________

There you go, b***h. You just keep staring at milkman. Alex gonna give you exactly what you came for. Make you feel like an angel just like you like it. Why is she shaking? What? She scared? I ain’t done nothin’ to her. F****n’ b***h, what yo white a*s ain’t ever seen a black man before. I ain’t no animal. Man f**k you and your f****n’ coffee. No, I’ll f**k your coffee. Put my giz right in it. How you like that, b***h?

__________

Oh my God! What the - he spit on me. I bring him coffee and he spit on me? God - a*****e! Why did I do that? What a waste! I try to do something nice - 

OK. It’s OK. You’re so weak, August. It’s not like he hit you. It’s just a little saliva. It’s not going to infect you. Look - he didn’t even stand up. What’s wrong with him? Just calm down. 

Look how he’s moving. There’s something wrong with him. Some people are just difficult. Plenty of bad people in the world. You tried to do a good thing, that’s what matters. You reached out. Some people just don’t know how to love or be loved. But you had to try. You’re a good person. It’s not your fault if there’s something wrong with him.

__________

Alex, why’d you do that man. You trippin’. You cain’t spit on a white lady. She probably gonna call the po-lice on yo a*s. Man this buzz makin’ you lose yo s**t. Time to find that ride man. Time to go.

Wait, what’s that? I know that lady. That’s that Bosnian lady live upstairs. Why she got the baby at the G-Street? That shamble ain’t fit for grown men in this neighborhood. She got no business takin’ that baby up in there. No kid need to be raised in a bar - Alex know that - better ‘n anybody. 

Damn mamas, always spreadin’ they legs like they don’t know what’s gonna happen. Like that b***h I fucked last week. She know how tha milkman gonna do her. Milkman gonna feel what he’s doin’. She knew better. I bet that Bosnian b***h tha same way - don’t know how to say no. She probly let a man do anything for a blow.

____________

There, August, you got it all off. Look, he’s not even looking at you anymore. He’s watching that lady across the street. He’ll probably leave in a minute. You just - need to find something else to do, to think about. Over there, the mug trays are dusty. Focus on the work. Mr. Osler’s been complaining about the trays. Maybe if he sees you cleaned them, he will have mercy and send you home early. Yeah, right. Whatever, it’s something anyway. A distraction.

Is that homeless man shouting at that lady? No, that’s not him, that’s a different man. He sounds so angry. What is he screaming at her about? Child support? Rights? Visitation? I guess it’s just a domestic dispute. He seems really drunk. God, he is really mad. She looks terrified. No, August, stay out of it. It’s none of your business. I’m sure somebody in that bar will do something. I mean, look what happened the last time you tried to help someone. 

She is really upset, though. Wait, why is that homeless man standing up? What is he doing? What he thinks he’s some kind of hero? Heroes don’t spit on people that bring them coffee.

____________

Man, this s**t is really goin’ down. OK, Alex, be a man. For once in your damn life, be a man. Just walk over there. He ain’t gonna beat her if you standin’ right there. Look in his eyes. He’ll see you serious. 

Wait, what the hell is that? That flash. Oh s**t, he’s drawing. Damn b***h, get down. Get that baby down. Get on that baby. F****n a*****e, don’t shoot that baby! Don’t shoot. Don’t shoot! B***h get down!

____________

Oh my God, he shot him! Is the baby bleeding? He still has the gun. I can’t go out there. He still has the gun. That homeless man is gonna die. Where’s your training now, August? You can’t work in an ER. You’re so weak. You can’t do anything. Don’t move, don’t move. Just stay down. It’s not worth it. Don’t be a hero.

____________

Oh damn, Alex, huh, you lost your high for good this time. Did I save that baby? I’m like a f****n’ hero, man. Like Superman or something. Uhnn, ugh, be strong man, It’s OK. God, it’s OK. Don’t cry, Alex. You strong man. Don’t be scared. You, you just a little cold, that’s all. You been cold your whole life man. God, ain’t nobody gonna help me? They just gonna let me lay here and die? That’s probably what you f****n’ deserve, man. You low life. At least you done one good thing. Huh, that baby alive though. That baby a-li … 

____________

The officer’s coming over. Think August. You have to tell him something. You couldn’t have helped. There was nothing you could do. You’re not a doctor yet. You haven’t taken that oath yet. Besides, no one saw what happened, at least no one who matters. Just tell them - just tell them - he died instantly. You couldn’t have helped him. He was already dead. There’s nothing else you could do. There was something wrong with him anyway. He was high. You couldn’t save him. You’re not a hero.