Wretched Cold Sweats

At this point I should have just given up on trying to sleep altogether, unfortunately I also understand that my thoughts lead me to believe that if I sleep I may enjoy an eternity of rest and finally escape my torture. The torture I speak of is that of having to live everyday in fear of the path I follow into endless failure, my body is cold and shivers travel up and down my back, the pain in my spine makes me wish it was broken and I no longer had to feel a thing. My temperature rises as I wish that I had the strength to scream and release some of my torment but to no avail I lye awake alone and afraid with nobody around to understand my fear and anguish. Who could help me anyway, it seems to me that you have to be in my shoes to feel what I feel and to see what I see. I begin to imagine myself wrapped up in the arms of a beautiful angel of death, she looks into my eyes and tells me the pain will stop and that my suffering will finally be over as she begins to carry me into the void. I don't fear the angel of death, her presence gives me comfort and soothes my shivering and broken body because I know I will soon sleep. I awake to see that it is all just a dream and I have fallen asleep for what I wished was longer than under five minutes, I grab my pillow and let out a scream of regret and discomfort. Thus again begins the aches in my body as tremors and shivers turn into hot flashes and slowly into bone chilling cold sweats, this is not my death bed my body refuses to give up and turn to dust even though that is all that my brain wishes for. Where is she? Where is my angel of death to carry me into oblivion? She is not coming for me and I can only pray so much for a painless death that my apparent god chooses not to grant me. Then why does the universe not send me a sign or a messenger to deliver my purpose unto me, just give me the truth just give me an answer damn you! It is pointless to make empty prayers anymore, all I can do now is wait for the sun to rise and give me enough strength to beg the world for more heroin to fall into my life so I can fill my veins with regret and premature bliss. Don't hate me I only ask that you help me achieve a temporary escape from reality, I hate this world the only thing I wish to feel is the warm embrace of my angel carrying me to my everlasting sleep of death.