Section 1 - Chapter 6 - Women, Men and Everything Inbetween

A conclusion to section 1

Writing about yourself is always a challenge. In order for you to get a clear picture of who I am, I need to share with you where I came from and how I got to where I am. It's difficult to share the people that have crafted me, through ignorance or intent, they have shaped who I have become.  I think what I'm finding so difficult is that I am structuring this in a way that makes sense to you, rather than the way it makes sense to me, things that are associated in my mind don't always make sense on paper. I also have to somehow explain how the absence of people molded me, which means that I need to explain to you who they are or were, and in some instances I don't really know them. 

There are glimpses of them, as I see them, or as I want to see them, pieces of who they really are, seen through my eyes. I'm not sure if this is fair to them, and I doubt everyone I bring into this story, that have been brought into my life in some way will agree with what I have to say, or for that matter how I view them. I think the hardest part of talking about them will be allowing the people who know I love and cherish them, to also know that I despise them at the same time. That, just because I try to smile around them, that they mean the world to me, does not mean that there are not parts of them that have hurt me, betrayed me and even disgust me. 

In turn, I am putting everything about who I am out there to be known. Looking at myself now, I know that there will be things written that are going to hurt others, things about myself that I do not want anyone to know about. In order to find myself, to fix myself, to somehow dig through these words and find a path to walk, to even figure out where this path is located and discover where I went wrong, I am going to have to be completely honest with you, and this will mean that I am going to have to be honest with myself. The realization that I am most likely not a good person, that I have done some unforgivable things, maybe not to you, or maybe so horrible to you that you will stop reading, but things that I feel are not something to be taken lightly or forgiven so easily, if ever.

As I try to collect my thoughts in a fashion that will make sense, that will some order of logic I wonder to me how to lay out the things that are a part of me, the people that are part of me. I don't want to roll out things in order of importance, because then someone in my life will get a*s sore. Chronologically speaking I could give you a time line of events, however I don't think that's realistic. Some of the things that have happened in my life take weeks, months even decades to unfold, and events overlap and get twisted and mangled in with each other. By doing this I would not only be constantly repeating myself, in which case you or I may grow bored of the redundancy, but also, through each pass, cutting through events that matter, you would find out something that was out of place and not work for your meter in the story. I think in the end I am going to wing it, hopefully it will make sense to you, hell, I don't even know if it really makes sense to me. 

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In my life there have been multitudes of women that have effected me, some are effecting me to this day whether they are present in my life or not, and some have simply disappeared and may not reappear, not even in this text, as they have not impacted me enough in a consciously memorable way to be mentioned. I cannot change the name of the women who hold titles in my life. Mother, Grandmother, (who I have named Gran), two Aunts, and a few cousins.  Luckily, the significant other category of women in my life are easier to disguise. They will know who they are but you won't. In my circle of friends, I have always referred to people I have dated by nicknames, until I was serious enough to bring them around, when, and only then, were they actually introduced by their given name. I think this began as a way to protect my nieces and nephew. I would be able to converse with my younger brother about any given relationship problem or event that was happening in my life, without seemingly bad mouthing someone that the children in my family would eventually meet. Something to the effect of spelling words out as to not excite or upset your own children.  

I have decided that I will use these same titles for the women that have played a roll in my life important enough to immortalize themselves in these pages. It will also give me a great way to introduce you to them, without having to go through paragraphs and paragraphs of description as their name will most definitely have a story associated with them. You will find that the women in my life have always played a very important role and as the tale progresses you will find that the majority of this will be in relation to a woman, as do all tragedies.

The most important person in my life was a man, and there have been several men in my life that have impacted me in a way that I may not be able to express, primarily because the relationships I have with men, even today, are very confusing to me and are not only hard to express but also hard for me to understand. Almost all of the men I am going to write about have titles as well, so I am not going to be able to do any of the hide the ball with them that can be done with the women. I have no doubt that there will be repercussions for what I have to say, nonetheless it is part of my process and I must include them as it is most definitely an important part of me. 

As I have mentioned before, I have often tried to emulate many of the men that have been in my life, perhaps, because I have had such a difficult time understanding them, this is part of the reason I have had difficulties in my life. How can you duplicate something that doesn't add up in your head? If I am trying to be like they are, why am I in this position in the first place? Did they go through this and just not tell me? Perhaps these answers will play out as I work through the part of their stories that overlap mine, and is best to leave it for now.

Now that the men and women have been discussed, there are also going to be pets, employers, people who's sex is irrelevant to to me or the story, a couple of leather jackets, a few cars, miles and miles of empty beer bottles, a couple different cities and states and thousands of other elements that have factored into who I am. As I have mentioned several times, who I am today is still a question that needs answering, however, the hope is, that through these tales, analyzation and a good hard look at myself and the events of my life I might be able to figure some of these things out. However, as I look back at my most recent history, I have been working on these things for some time, perhaps I cannot find answers.

Tumbling through a series of thoughts and emotions as I work through what I am going to tell you about and what I am going to keep for myself, I find that I am slowly losing a grip on who I want to become, and disliking who I have been more and more. Everything that runs through my head, I've churned over and over, digesting it, worrying over it, a countless sleepless nights over it, and all of this happened at the time and again is happening. 

We, as the human race have, for so long, defined ourselves through the eyes of other people. We get so caught up in who we want to be perceived as, that we forget that what others think of us is irrelevant. Proof is everywhere, we post pictures and status updates for others to read on social media, why have we become so pompous that we think other people, who have not asked us, care what we are doing. The truth is, even our closest friends, don't care. They read the little nuggets that we throw out into the social world and compare what is happening in their own life. Then they judge, anyone who claims they do not, are not being honest with you or themselves. They judge what we are doing, how we are doing it, and who we are doing it with. It has created a world called social media, but is anything but social. We no longer have conversations, and help is not sought out from close family or friends, but by posing questions, or dramatic posts, or a quick google search, (which I do not recommend to those that feel that there is always something tragic wrong with them), we turn to a help desk of those we do not know, and only know us through what we choose to tell them about ourselves. 

"Look at that lovely adventure you're having," he exclaimed while scrolling through your news feed. What he doesn't know is that you boyfriend was drunk, and you felt alone. That you would both climb into a car he insisted on driving and you would white knuckle it all the way home fearing for the lives of yourself and you "happily made" illegitimate children just so he can crack a few more beers and then pass out on you half dressed hanging off the side of the bed that hasn't been made, or cleaned in over a month. We don't get to see that, and we, in comparison, are jealous of the wonderful life you are living. 

So I guess this is my anti-social media. This is my truth, these are the things you won't see on my wall, this isn't a nicely scripted photo for all to see and envy. This is who I was, and this is who I am. I want you to like me, I want to like me, however I fear that at times in my life, this will not be the case. So as we move along, as you learn about who I am, remember we have all done things we are ashamed of and we all have secrets. The things that I have done that I would rather not include in this story are all of the things that MUST be included in this story, my only hope is that in my journey I do not open up the secrets of others, that the people that are still in my life will still love me and try to support me after they learn who I am and will not resent me for telling my version of the truth.

So sit back and relax. My story will progress but even I do not know what comes next. There is no map, there is no list of things that I want to talk about, no stories I must be sure to share. It will be whatever comes, as I search my insides and try to find who I am, I will share whatever I need to to find this out. Maybe, if you are reading this, it's because you love me or support me, or maybe this became something that was worth enough to be put onto pages and sold. In any case, thank you. Thank you for being a sounding board, thank you for reading my nasties. I truly hope that this will bring you some of your own answers, or at the very least a slight idea of how to avoid some of the mistakes that I carry.