Time's Up

Intro to a piece of fiction about gangsters being hunted down by a vigilante

A thickset man wearing a heavy overcoat and a bad haircut emerges from a down at heel Glasgow pub. He has thirty seconds to live.

Smokers huddled on the grimy pavement outside greet the big man with hearty back slaps. He makes an inaudible comment and the smokers break into over-enthusiastic laughter. He is not to be messed with. Twenty seconds.

The big man glances up and down the dark road and checks his watch. His driver should have been waiting for him. Late again. He shakes his head. The smokers say their farewellls, stub out their cigarettes and head back into the warmth of the bar. Ten seconds.

The man in the overcoat takes out a packet of cigarettes, knocks one out and places it between his meaty lips. He will never smoke it.

Two hundred metres away a slender man takes position and shoulders a rifle.From the boot of a stolen Audi estate, breathing slowly he squeezes the trigger and sends a 7.62mm round hurtling through the dirty night sky at more than 1,500 miles an hour.

Outside the pub the big man's teeth shatter, sending enamel and nerves flying. He doesn't register the pain though as the bullet continues its journey and destroys his brain stem and cerebellum before punching a palm sized hole out of the back of his skull. The big man is dead before he hits the ground.

Ends  

Reviews

[BBP]

Usually not a fan of short stories because I crave more, but this was well executed and was set up perfectly for nothing but a short story. OR like Mark said, a prologue, which would then take you back in time to see how it all ended up this way. Most of my favorite movies start this way...a dramatic ending as the beginning and then lets you watch the events unfold leading up to it.

Nice write.

[matrixmark]

A beginning like the one this has always grabs my attention. I can actually see this being a prologue to a story - it seems quite fitting. I feel that you could have an onlooker watching all of this and then you could stake the story from there.

But safter saying that, it was another good piece and your choice of words also suited the scene with you painted.

Good solid work.

Mark.

[Whisty_x]

Can I just say I love the description and the words you have decided to use because it always makes a difference and sets the scene and tone for the piece. For example when you use phrases like 'dirty air' and 'meaty lips'... LOVE IT!

But I noticed you put '10 seconds' twice. Is this deliberate?

Overall I really like this short story and it would be amazing if you could expand on it or go into even more detail!

[Andy L]

Oops. Thanks for pointing out the echo, my mistake! Its just a little exercise I was doing but may make it into a longer piece. Appreciate your comments. Thanks

[Andy L]

Thanks Bev. Yes it would prob be a prologue to a novel. Appreciate your comments

[Sara Lufrano]

Hi hi!

Very cool way to write a story. I really enjoyed it. I was just a little confused about who was who because in the first line he's "a thickset man" then he's "the big man." I thought they were two different people or there was another man observing very close by (not the sniper).

Really cool though! Thank you for the read!

[Andy L]

Hi Sara, thanks for the comments and I will maybe amend the story when I get chance.

[Andy L]

Hi Sara, thanks for the comments and I will maybe amend the story when I get chance. I appreciate your comments.