Closing Time

Short Short Story

 

Outside it was dusk. Inside, there was a muffled sound of footsteps; a single set of footsteps; making their way down a long corridor. Those footsteps belonged to an elderly gentleman. Bright little spotlights gleamed down on his suit and they flashed off his bald head as he turned a corner, beheld a woman and there came to a stop.

"Good evening beautiful!" He chirped. "We meet yet again."

She gave him a mysterious smile. Almost a smirk; but her eyes never wavered from his. The gentleman stood back clasping his hands before him and regarded her with warmth.

"You have a beautiful smile," he told her softly. "I only wish that you would speak to me and tell me what is going on behind that smile of yours."

There was a silent, mysterious, adoration between the two and they considered one another for quite some time in this fashion.

Presently the gentleman began to murmur quietly.

"I come and speak to you every evening and yet you never speak back. Your eyes follow me everywhere I go. I think you have a secret young lady and I would love to know what it is."

Gazing at her face, he stroked at his chin thoughtfully. "One day I'd like to know what that secret is..."

The gentleman finally turned away and ambled back down the hall, jingling a bunch of keys on a chain.

The lights went out. There was complete darkness in the art gallery and Mona Lisa remained silent; smiling to herself.

Author's Note

Appreciate ANY feedback :)

(no, really!)

Reviews

[JessyJacob]

What do you mean by smirk here, is it conceitedly hides her anger. I don’t think that is what you are thinking, I feel she has kept open but still that guy never replied. Anyway it is past, I don’t want to recorrect your writing, leave it. At least few are concerned about that poor lady life.

[Ghania]

Simply AMAZING!!!!
It was really great. Leaving a ton of surprise at the end.
"There was complete darkness in the art gallery and Mona Lisa remained silent; smiling to herself."
Oh! Enjoyed reading it sooo much. :)))

[Stan Lee]

Thank you for your enthusiastic review Nerdy! I'm so glad you enjoyed my story. :)

[Ghania]

You're very Welcome. :)

[Jerome Malenfant]

Yes, nice surprise at the end. One or two quibbles:

"One day I'd like to know what that secret is..."
But from his words before that, he'd like to know the secret now, not 'one day'. Maybe change to "One day I'm going to find out what that secret is."

The story sort of 'cheats' when it treats the mysterious woman as real. I.e. "She GAVE him a mysterious smile", "There was a ...adoration between the two.."; 'they considered one another". Is the Mona Lisa painting in the story actually alive?, (which these phrases imply), or is it only alive in the man's imagination? I think it would be more interesting if this point were made more ambiguous by rephrasing these so they could be read either way.

[Stan Lee]

Jerome, thank you so very much for your constructive review. I appreciate you taking the time to make these suggestions. I'll have to work on them. :) Thanks a million.

[Tbear]

I enjoyed this very much..fun surprise at the end.. only one line I struggled with as it needed some commas..
I think you have a secret, young lady and I would love to know what it is."

[Stan Lee]

Thank you Tbear. I appreciate your constructive review. I can see your point! A 'secret young lady' sounds a bit creepy! lol :)

[Raven Wyntermoon]

As I started reading, at first, I thought that this must an older janitor working in a department store and was speaking to one of his "favorite" mannequin...
later of course we discover that it's a security officer entranced with the Mona Lisa. Sweet little glimpse into this fellow's quiet evening.

[Stan Lee]

That was a close guess Raven. :) But it had to be something special to warrant this mans attention. Thanks for taking the time to read and review. :)

[Matthew Ian Herrawood W]

I like this... I have to admit I wondered if the woman was a living breathing literal woman (even wondering at one point if she was real but a ghost) but never expected such a well known piece. my only suggestion is to Make

Inside, there was a muffled sound of footsteps; a single set of footsteps;
read as
Inside, there was the muffled sound of a single set of footsteps;

Change it or don't I like this either way

[Stan Lee]

Thanks for your constructive review Matthew. I really appreciate that. I did actually play with that sentence. For me, with a ridiculously short attention span, it was easier to read that way. But I do understand that it may not sit as well with other readers so I'm glad you pointed that out. I'm glad I managed to surprise you with the twist. Thanks again. :)

[Matthew Ian Herrawood W]

that sentence is fine Its just a suggestion and how I personally world write it

[matrixmark]

This was so cool - It drew me in from the beginning, wondering where it would all go. I loved the build up and was wondering why the woman wouldn't talk.

And then the end - PRETTY DAMN COOL - never saw that coming. Very imaginative - also brough a smile to my face too.
Even though it was a short piece - it certainly packd a punch with the ending being so original.


Mark.

[Stan Lee]

Thank you for your very kind review mark. I'm glad it got you wondering and I'm glad you didn't see the twist coming! :D A smile on your face is always a bonus. Thanks again for reading and reviewing.

[matrixmark]

Happy to have read a good, solid original piece.

Mark.

[Octavia]

As an artist I love this. Great use of detail to slowly build the image of Mona before the big reveal. You are very good at these little scenes. I love how you get so much character and detail into just a few lines. Much respect, my friend.

[Stan Lee]

Thank you Octavia. Your review is very kind. I'm glad you liked it and yes, little scenes are my thing mainly because I don't have the patience to write wonderful stories like you do. :)
ps. you said you're an artist, did you create that picture in your profile ?

[Octavia]

Yes, all of the artwork on my page is my own.

[Stan Lee]

Nice! :)

[Ookpik]

aw dang that was a cool twist, for a second there I got hit with the creepy shivers... It's okay though, he's just talking to a painting

clever work!

[Stan Lee]

Yes, it's okay. It's just a painting. There there. lol :D Thanks for reading and reviewing Ookpik. Glad you liked the twist. :)

[.]

Very inventive!

I admit that i did see the ending coming. Anyone who knows what a curator is would probably get an inkling of what the gentleman was talking to in your story.

Still, it is very imaginative and well written as always. He would not be the only person to wonder just what secrets she was holding behind that smile.

Very good writing and a fine short story.

[Stan Lee]

Thank you Doodley! Viva la revolución! You're right about the title being a giveaway. Woody pointed out the same. I just haven't brainstormed up another that I'm happy with yet. Pleased that you found it imaginative. Thanks again for your kind review Doodley. :)