Walkabout

random story

"I been walkabout," said Maureen handing Pop a chipped mug of hot tea. She eased herself into the battered armchair on the porch next to Pop. "Them alpacas up the road have gone. Only goats now." As usual, there was no reply from Pop. He simply scratched at his bearded chin; all white and scraggy.

From the brilliant blue sky above them the warm Australian sun beamed down. "We like snakes basking in the sun," Maureen thought staring at her gnarled black hands. "Red belly blacks." A flock of galahs screeched noisily overhead. A cool breeze made gum leaves quiver and a few fluttered gently to the dusty ground. There were dark clouds to the west. That meant a storm this afternoon. A comment from Pop suddenly startled Maureen out of her thoughts.

"Remember Laura?" He said.

"Eh, yeah I do. That girl that used to come talking to us hey." Maureen closed her eyes and cast her mind back. "Gotta be about three years back at least, if not four. Said she'd come to see them alpacas ya know."

Once again there was no reply from Pop. Maureen didn't mind though. She was used to providing the conversation.

"She used to come down here and lean over that front fence there. Didn't have much to say but she usta stay for a bit. That was back when we had Murphy hey. She knew all them names off; Murphy, Thursday, Good Friday, Scruffy and Shriek. Now we only got the last two and they gettin pretty old for dogs."

Leaning over her knees, Maureen lit a cigarette. She took a long drag and kept going. "Me an' that girl, we had some good yarns. She listened hard ya know. I telled her about all my life and she listened. I dunno know why she wanted to come yarn with us. Might be she learned something."

Maureen brought the cig to her lips again, "I wonder what she was looking for hey..."

Pop bent in his chair and slowly scratched at a sore on his leg until it glistened red. "I wonder if she found it," he said.

Author's Note

appreciate any feedback :)

Reviews

[mattavelli]

Hello, Andronicus!
This was an interesting read. I think Maureen needs an adventure. your writing was great, very descriptive.

[Stan Lee]

Thanks mattavelli! :) Glad you liked it. Maureen is a bit old for adventures now but I'm sure she's had a few in her day. Thanks for reading and reviewing. :)

[barleygirl]

This is a great vignette! I love your descriptive writing & the dialogue is very well done, sounding natural . . . verbal devices ("hey") and idioms sound right for the locale. The pacing is perfect, with the old man's sparse comments coming at perfect intervals, sparking thoughts & impressions in the reader, while keeping the overall write to a minimum. Too many delights to mention specifically here!

[Stan Lee]

Thank you so much barleygirl. Your complimentary review means a lot to me. Glad to hear that the verbal devices worked. I was worried that they would grate, but I was trying to stay true to the 'locale' and show who the characters are. I do appreciate you taking the time to read and review. Thanks again. :)

[Woody]

aah a new one at last!
love it as I did all your previous ones, Andronicus. you are so good at telling these tiny stories that speak volumes. your detailed descriptions are so vivid they could be turned into paintings.
that was a treat my friend.

[Stan Lee]

Ikr, at last! I'm glad you loved this one too. The descriptions - I can see it all in my head but I wasn't sure everyone would be able to? Do you know what galahs and gum leaves are?
The treat is always for me when you read and comment on my writing Woody. :) Thank you very much. :)

[Woody]

well thanks to Google Almighty, now I do. "rose-breasted cockatoo"
and I've seen pictures of gum leaves too. so thanks for the education.

[LastMonth]

I want to point out a few good things.

You wrote, Maureen handed him a chipped mug of tea.
This immediatly throws me into the painting you depict.
The simple addition of 'Chipped' a word that at first glance could be omitted without any consequences, adds alot. Because now I have to think about it, and I suddenly start seeing it in my mind.

These kind of 'Jerks' is what turn a story into something more. Into a vision.
Next up,

''From the brilliant blue sky above them the warm Australian sun beamed down. "We like snakes basking in the sun." Maureen thought staring at her gnarled black hands. "Red belly blacks." A flock of galahs screeched noisily overhead and a cool breeze made gum leaves quiver and a few fluttered gently to the dusty ground. There were dark clouds to the west. That meant a storm this afternoon. A comment from Pop Suddenly startled Maureen out of her thoughts.''

This whole paragraph, is allegedly about nothing.
And yet it is there for a reason. An important one.
Atmosphere.

Maureen and Pop do this everyday, I imagine. And this paragraph depicts it well. It teachs us about the characters. At first glance Pop seems almost irritated with Maureen, but the more we read into it we learn that this is just everyday business. And this whole 'Talker' 'Listener/Grunter' is really working out for them.

That final line is immensly satisfying. The one where Pop finally answers her. Both because for the first time we get to see his take on everything, and that it affirms that he had been listening the -entire- time. Which makes the whole conversation look a whole different.

Had he said something along the lines of ''Sorry, did you say something?''
It would leave a bitter taste. A woman talking her head off while her husband didn't even listen.
Instead we are rewarded with insight into what appears to be a peaceful, functioning relationship.

Nice story overall.

[Stan Lee]

LastMonth, thank you for your lengthy and insightful review of my story. :) Thanks for pointing out good things. :) Feel free to point out any not so good things too. As a writer I know you won't mind me saying I think the word 'details' would have been better than 'jerks'. I was super happy when I read your review because either you are the most insightful reader ever or, I am better at this than I thought. You are right; I think they do this every day and Pop does seem irritated at first but like you said it's working out for them. I'm glad you could understand what I was trying to display here. Score for me about immensely satisfying ending! Yesssssss! Made my day LM! Thanks again for your review!! :)

[Shannon]

Oh, the dynamic. She talks, he listens...
"I wonder if she found it?" I think we all sometimes wonder that. About ourselves, as well.

[Stan Lee]

Are you familiar with that dynamic by any chance? ;) Thanks a heap for reading my story! :)

[Shannon]

Maybe, just a little!

[Usman Muhammad]

Wonderful voice of characters
Every time I read any of your stories I learn a lot of new things. This time it was the voice of characters which amazed me.
Your punch line is what I always await for :) Being an element of surprise, it is one of the best thing in your writings.
I believe with each new writing of yours I will come to know a lot of things and for that I owe you in advance.

[Stan Lee]

Thank you so much Usman. I'm so glad that you liked this random story. It was a sort of attempt to get back into the writing swing. You commented on the voice of these characters and I'm happy that you did because the way they talk is the main characteristic 'tool' that I tried to use. (Yes, there is a certain race of people that talk like that. At least that's how it sounds for me.)
I always hope that my writing will leave the reader with something to think about so thank you very much for your kind and encouraging review. :) Much appreciated!