Betty

Under all these certain circumstances, shedding tears at my little nephew's birthday party is by far the most embarrassing. 

Their wide eyes watched me with both curiosity and a little astonishment that a full grown man had broken down into such heartbroken tears. Giggles broke out and their parents snatched up the children away from me, as if I'd suddenly go mad and devour them. 

My sorrowful little nephew stood, his face burning in shame. I will never forget his face as he mouthed for me to leave him alone. 

Numbly standing, I stumbled out into the cruelly sunny day of a Wednesday afternoon. 

It felt inhuman for the warm sun to be so chipper, people swarming and dodging me deftly as I dragged my heavy black clogs on the cement. 

The shoes that were so out of season and style made me shudder in repulsion and I quickly removed them. My grey socks had a hole in the soles and toe. But anything besides the awful clogs. The shoes were heavy in my hand. I slung back my arm and threw them as far as I could, over the bridge railing. The plop was heavy and satisfied me. 

And sadness again.

Now I had no shoes. 

I felt drunk and my nebulous vision posed as an issue. 

How would I safely drive my little nephew back home to my sister? I could imagine her hands on her wide hips, foot tapping like woodpecker, hair frazzled, apron amess, and her pruny lips set in a firm straight line. 

I giggled at the image. Oh-- my head. 

I knew I should stop. 

Even after all the incidences I didn't stop. 

I laid on my side on a warm metal bench. The intoxicating smell of rust and metal made my teeth clench. My eyes were wide open, observing the busy life of an ant. It carried a large piece of bread. A large burden for such a little thing. I named him Betty. 

Many argued it was a girl's name, but that is not so. I was always ready to fight anyone who argued otherwise. 

I was watching Betty but I guess I fell asleep. I woke up, not knowing where I was. An elderly lady was gently shaking me and I mumbled something unintelligible before stumbling away to the small restaurant where my nephew was having his party.

The door was locked and the building was dark inside. I just realized the moon was brightly shining down, exposing the shameful deed I had done. I cried out in despair and slouched down to the floor.

I saw a little ant crawl out from under my foot.

I rejoiced at the sight of little Betty. I talked to him but he ran around crazily, searching for the bread crumb I had just taken from him.

He started leaving. "Bad Betty" I scolded and squashed one of his legs. He started squirming and I scolded him more for his bad manners. He started dragging his body away and anger flashed through me; like it so often had before. 

I lifted my sock covered foot and squished him. I dragged my foot and saw the tiny streak of juices he left behind. After a few moments of triumph, I felt an incredible sadness. 

It washed over me like no other feeling before. Suddenly I was sobbing. 

Why had I fallen asleep and forgotten my little nephew? And then I remembered.

I remembered who I was. Betty was not the ant I had just murdered.

My little nephew was not my nephew. 

Betty was my son. 

My little son.

My tears dripped down my dirty face as I remembered more.

The image of my sister-- who was not my sister. My wife. Her broken body in the hospital bed, struggling to breath. 

I yelled out with sadness. It was after Betty was born. 

My wife had died that night. The image of the ugly clogs on her feet laying on the hospital bed, dead as a log made me shiver. My sadness was gone, now replaced with a disgust.

"Betty...is a boy's name." I whispered demonically.

Author's Note

Please excuse the cringe-worthy "angst". Was not in a stable place when writing this. Also no offense to people who wear clogs. I don't think they're that bad, I was just looking for a heavy, brick-like shoe and a clog is what I came up with.

Reviews

[Rose of many colours]

wow This is amazing...It is like a river with different moods. Is this story real?

[Andronicus]

thank you so much! nope it's not real. I was hoping for a "Catcher in the Rye" feel

[Abe Horror]

This was fun to read even though I do not think it was supposed to be. The angst was not attractive necessarily but the overall flow of consciousness thing was interesting.

[Andronicus]

Thank you for giving me my very first review on this website ^^ i really appreciate it!