Impasse

Thoughts of the day.

I had reached an impasse in my life.  Two choices laid ahead of me.  Of  course, on one hand laid the path of self-salvation.  I had failed at everything else in my life, and I only wanted to be successful at something.  I wanted to make my parents proud for more than a few months at a time.  I also wanted to tell them “F**k you,” and be on my merry way.  Of course, there was only one course of action to be had:  I would continue my crusade against The Man, exposing to the world the evils I and many other of the American Youth had been made a part of.  I would continue my course of activism, fighting the Good Fight against what I had seen as a corrupt, harsh, greedy, totally evil world.  I had begun to suspect there was something wrong with me, though.  Something that I will explain after I explain this next choice I had before me:  I could continue along the path of justice, trying (most likely futilely) to enlighten my Fellow Man to the best of my ability, doing what I thought to be right.  If I had been raised by holy, just parents, then I was right in my belief that this world was going to burn if we didn’t change the way we lived.  If my parents were wrong, and I was only a misguided child in the throes of young adulthood, then I was wrong in trying to change the world.  I wanted to believe I was right, I wanted to believe that my parents were right, but I had no way of knowing.  I wanted to expose all of the misinformation, coercion, corruption, and wrongdoing that I had witnessed.  But there were two risks I foresaw in attempting to do so: 1) I could be wrong, and to fight a fight such as this and be wrong was self-damnation.  2) I could waste my life fighting this cause to no avail, wasting a life that could’ve been spent making people in my own life happy, and myself happy. 

My second choice was to leave this life behind me and attempt to be happy.  No matter what it took, just make myself happy. 

Now, what I had expected to be wrong with this whole situation was this:  That I really wasn’t right in the head.  That there was something wrong with me upstairs.  There was fear of being a monster.  Some kind of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde aberration.  Of course, I had tried doctors, but when the other patients and participants in group therapy agreed unanimously with what you had been thinking, it was difficult to listen to them.  It was difficult to listen to the headshrinkers when the case workers who acted as liaisons between you and the judicial system that would decide your fate agreed with you instead of their bosses, it was time to wonder just how insane you are.  Would the artists and the poets and the musicians and romantics of my world rise up in unanimous revolt and strike down the oppressive opposition with peaceful, non-violent revolution?  Not likely.  Was I okay with that?  I meditated on the subject.  Could I commit to complete and utter defeat?  Could I allow myself to live in a world that set aside truth and honor and goodness for hypocrisy and greed?  That was the question.  That is the question.  And even more important than that question was this one:  Can you?

Reviews

[anamezic]

You know my mind, must have spent all night with a flashlight in there.

To answer your question: live, write as much as possible and print it out on a billion sheets of paper (if there are even enough trees left now to produce it), scatter them in the cities
then set everything on fire and watch it burn.

[John]

You wouldn't happen to have a light, would you?

[Jack Dawkins]

An interesting read John. I'm not sure it's a natural condition common in all man at some point in their lives or just a few. Do you spend your life going to war against the injustices and mans inhumanity in the world or do they turn their back on it all and just live their lives to the fullest. Is one choice as you say futile and one choice selfish?
I was born at the end of the second world war and by my early teens was aware of the atrocities of the Nazi Regime, was living trough the cold war and the Cuban missile crisis, Race wars in the United States and a disfunctional family. I could see no point and no future to life. I'm 67 now and the most important thing I learned is that things are exactly as they should be and I can change nothing in tis world except myself and the decisions I make to what I experience personally.
This may be the longest comment in the history of writers cafe, but a failed writerwould not have provoked such a response.
One thing I'm not sure but isn't self salvation redundant?

[John]

I appreciate the review, and the length is a plus.
I've thought about it a lot in the past, and I've come up with many conclusions. What do you think?

[A. H. Pinley]

This sounds like a rant Warrior. I like it.

[Monster ^.^]

Such heavy words... and they carried my eyes till the end... The compassion is incomparable. It's like I want to join with your crusade... alas... I am but one small voice whose words can't compare to those who have the true compassion for it. Call me a hypocrite, for I can never be as compassionate to this as you...

a very strong read.

[John]

Thank you. Though you may not know it now, your voice is louder than you think.