Today

I turn on the TV to cover up the silence,
Tired of hearing my own voice beating its head against the walls
Against your walls
‘I wish I would have never met you’ you said and you were right, I broke your heart in three places to match your nose
Somehow the only words that make it are those that hurt the most
Today I flipped cos the doors of the bus slammed in my face and I cursed in all the three useless languages I know that don’t help me get through to the world
Outside people are walking their dogs, their kids, their dreams
Some half a continent away my father is learning to walk in his second-hand shoes, in his second-hand life
I have to take out the trash, it’s starting to smell
Today I answered ‘f**k off’ to your ‘I love you’ and it felt good, it was the loudest ‘no’ I ever said and I could practically hear the slap across your face
Love’s labors lost again in this never ending comedy of fuckups
It’s too hot in here, just this long agonizing autumn that refuses to die
What would it take to reach out? to feel? to swallow my pride? to stop running? … useless
Today I drank my coffee black, it didn’t help the numbness, it just gave me a headache, I have to buy milk
I have to learn to speak about love…but that’s a different poem
I’m smoking the day’s one thousand cigarette, it tastes like sadness and desire, ‘it smells like burned rubber’, that’s what you always used to say begging me to stop poisoning myself…useless
Another battle lost, just like make-up that damages my myopic eyes, I’m unteachable, I know, and I can’t take things in
I couldn’t take you in
I chewed you for three years but I couldn’t swallow, you kept getting stuck between my teeth, what are you going to do now that I spit you back into the world? And how am I going to wash away your benign taste?