Chapter 1

  The cold morning air sent goose bumps across my skin, I in turn cuddled deeper into my blankets refusing to get up, refusing to face today. Choosing instead to stay safe in the cocoon of my bed where I was safe from the world. I guess you could say it was one of those days. One of those dark and gloomy winter days when waking up and being productive seemed impossible, where you dwell on every past break up, every bad decision, every mistake you've ever made. Yea it was one of those days for me.

I began contemplating on my last breakup, two years ago. Yes two years ago, it has been that long. His name was John. Gorgeous John we called him, and he truly was. He was a modern day Adonis, meant to grace the pages of GQ and Men's Health. He was perfect in every way, except he was gay. I should of realized it when he refused to have sex with me or go down on me for that matter . He told me he was waiting till marriage, yea right! I should of known.

One thing I did get out of it was a gay best friend who was willing to tell me when my a*s looked to fat in jeans, or when I looked like s**t altogether, or on a gloomy winter day when he casually strolled into my room to tell me to get my fat a*s out of bed. That was gorgeous John for ya. Yes he still made us call him that.

“Hey b***h when do you plan on getting out of bed?” B***h was his pet name for me because he knew he couldn't use words like babe or honey. He called me those words once under false pretenses. He wasn't allowed to use them anymore.

“Tomorrow,” I groaned covering my face with the blanket. John had other plans though. He took the covers off of me completely, revealing my pajamas of choice an oversized t-shirt and cotton underwear. Strange how I still felt the need to cover myself. Feeling insecure around him, even though I knew he was gay and my bits weren't the ones he was interested in. I guess I still wasn't over what happened those two years ago. Two years ago today actually, The day I threw myself at John only to discover that he was gay, that he didn't want me, that it was all lie. It made me feel all types of insecure. I doubted myself in ways I never knew possible, I felt like I wasn't enough not just for him but for myself. Two years later and I still feel the same way. Two years later and I still wasn't over it. No so much that he was gay I could care less about that, I'm glad he came out of the metaphorical closet, but at the expense of my heart. That's what hurt.

“Bee come on get out of bed, I know what's going through that head of yours.” I heard the twinge of guilt before he even said anything. It was always there when we both thought of the events that lead to our break up. It was always there when he talked to me.

“I'm not thinking about anything, other than staying in my warm bed, away from the freezing Boston air,” I lied because I knew the moment I revealed what I was thinking a slew of apologies would leave his lips.

“Well that's not an option today. We're going out, so go get ready,” John used that no exception tone the one he used when he knew he's get his way, there was no point in arguing. So I didn't. But that didn't mean I was happy about it and I made a show of making sure he knew that. I stomped my way to the bathroom mumbling obscenities as I went. John just laughed, that god like laugh of his that still sent shivers up my spine I was ashamed he still had that effect on me.

I locked myself in the bathroom and took a deep cleansing breath like ones I learned to do in yoga class. It didn't really help. So instead I got busy on getting ready., I brushed my teeth, combed my rats nest for hair I had some beach waves going, even though it was the middle of winter, and as for makeup I stuck to a little mascara and some lip gloss because that's as far as my makeup knowledge extended. I stared at my reflection for a few minutes wondering what was so wrong about me why did I attract all the frogs and not the princes?

The more I looked the more I saw my imperfections, my pale skin, the freckles I hated since I was five, my big b***s that were more of a hindrance then a blessing if you ask me. In that moment I could understand why John didn't want me, why no man wanted me.

Before I could dwell on that any longer I left the bathroom wishing I didn't feel the way I did.

“Here I picked your clothes out for you.” John said holding out a pair of jeans, my favorite black sweater and a pair of high heeled boots, that made me feel like I could rule the world. I know he picked them for a reason but I didn't argue.

I changed in front of him still feeling that pang of insecurity as he watched me slip on my jeans and sweater, and I still felt that pang of arousal as he helped me slip on my boots, it has been two years since I got laid for god sakes, I was only human.

“Okay I'm ready, what now?” I asked curious as too what he had planned for today. He usually left me alone on this specific date to wallow in my pit of self pity and shame but not today.

A shrug was all I got out of him, which was unlike him, John was a talker, he loved to talk, or maybe he just loved the sound of his voice that seemed more like him.

“Really that's all I'm getting? A shrug?” I responded. I chose that moment too look him over. His perfect tousled blonde hair, that looked like he's just rolled out of bed when in reality he spent a good 20 minutes on it. His blue eyes that were the clearest blue I'd ever seen. His tall frame that was covered by a dress shirt a pea coat, slacks and a pair of black dressing shoes. I came to the conclusion we were going to somewhere important, John rarely ever dressed up, it was part of his charm.

“yea that's all you're getting, hurry up we're gonna be late.”

“Okay miss bossy pants.” I said in return, his features morphed into a grimace he wasn't happy with my response,

“Don't mock me Bee.” He said walking in front of me out of my room and waiting by the door while shrugged on my coat.

Reviews

[Prritiy]

One of those dark and gloomy winter days when waking up and being productive seemed impossible, where you dwell on every past break up, every bad decision, every mistake you've ever made. Yea it was one of those days for me.
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Two years ago today actually, The day I threw myself at John only to discover that he was gay, that he didn't want me, that it was all lie. It made me feel all types of insecure. I doubted myself in ways I never knew possible, I felt like I wasn't enough not just for him but for myself. Two years later and I still feel the same way.

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wow i liked it and would like to read it more, do tell me whenever you add more to this :)
thanks.

a few retouching ups just read like in- ''I should of known'' shouldn't it be ''I should have known''