Just Breathe

Having a crush on your best friend, Mark, wasn't easy. What was harder was that he was a Kpop Idol in the group Got7. Being friends with all the members was hard when the fans cyberbullied you 24/7.

Being friends with Got7 was not easy. It was like everywhere I go I got asked to tell Jaebum he is cute, or that Jinyoung needs to be more active on Instagram, or to tell them to make sure they eat. At first, I was okay with the fans wanting me to give a message. But soon they found my work and I couldn’t even go out to eat in peace. Don’t get me wrong, some fans are super sweet and are really kind. But then there are the fans that are jealous.

These fans are jealous that I am friends with them, and some believe the rumors of me being with one of the boys. In all honesty, I may like one of the boys, *cough* Mark *cough*, a little more than the others, but I am definitely not dating any of them. However, these rumors have caused me to get hate on social media and they somehow got a hold of my phone number.

At first, I ignored the hate and just blocked them, because it was little things. But little things turn into big things and they found my insecurities. It soon turned into comments saying, “What an ugly and worthless piece of s**t”, or, “This s**t needs to go with Jackson to the gym and work off all that fat.”

The one hit the closes to home was the one that said that the boys deserve better than a fat a*s girl who isn’t even from this country. And that is the biggest reason why my depression came back. I stopped taking my antidepressant, and I was staying home in bed under the covers. I even canceled on the boys every time coming up with some lame excuse as to why I couldn’t come. I even canceled on Mark, who was also my best friend/crush. He understood me a little more than the boys because he came from America too. We told each other secrets, had inside jokes, and we had even met each other’s families. This grew our bond more and made our families become friends. I probably wouldn’t be who I was today without him.

But through the two years of knowing the boys, my crush became huge in the last year. It was one night when we were out in the country; we were just star gazing into the night. I looked over at Mark and I knew that I was in love with my best friend.

Anyway, back to the present. The words the fans said got worse and worse. I was more depressed and was starting to call into work more often. Soon the words started coming from my mouth. I was the one saying I was worthless, and ugly, and fat. Seventeen-year-old me was back with my haunting past. I was starting to hurt myself again and I was becoming worse.

One day after work I came home and did what had became an everyday ritual of putting myself down. Soon it became so much that I couldn’t breathe, I was shaky, and I couldn’t stop crying. I was crying so hard that I didn’t heard my front door open and shut. The next thing I knew, I felt arms wrap around me and pull my body into theirs. When I looked up, I saw Mark looking down at me with a knowing look in his eyes. he then said, “Calm down, Y/N. you’re okay. I’m here now. I won’t let you hurt anymore. Just breathe and follow my heartbeat.”

I soon was able to calm down and control my breath again. Still in Mark’s arms, I looked up at him with a smile on my face to show him I was better. “Thank you… what are you doing here?”

“You canceled one too many times on me and the boys for me to know that something was up. And when I got here, I definitely knew something was wrong when the living room was still a mess from our movie night a week ago.”

“I’m sorry… I tried to be strong, but I just can’t anymore. Your fans are right that you deserve someone better than me. You guys deserve a friend that is beautiful, skinny, and worth something.”

Mark’s face then became disappointed and I knew I was in deep s**t. “That is bullshit Y/N! You are so beautiful, and smart, and worthy of being the boys’ and I’s best friend. And sure, you aren’t skinny like some people, but you are not fat. I cannot stand to watch you put yourself down because these so called ‘fans’ are jealous of not being around us 24/7.”

“I wish I could believe you Mark, but I can’t. I can’t see myself the way you guys see me be-“

The next thing I know my lips are on Mark’s. I’m frozen for a second before I close my eyes and start kissing back. I felt sparks throughout my body. I wish this moment never had to end, but it did. we broke apart and just sat there looking into each other’s eyes with so much love for each other. I was the first to speak when I gasped, “Wow…”

“That was amazing! Did you feel-“

“The sparks? Yea I did Mark. Listen I need to tell you something. I’ve been in love with you for a year now, but I didn’t think you would like me back. I realized now that I let myself get to me and that kiss has given me the courage to finally tell you.”

“I’ve been in love with you since you met my family. It was crazy that my family already loved you and it had only been five minutes since they first met you. And how you got along with my family? I knew you were the one, but I didn’t know what your thoughts were on dating an idol… especially with all this hate you are getting and what it caused.”

“But I felt alone with this problem because I didn’t want you to get mad at your fans and I didn’t want to make a big deal about it.”

“But it is a problem when I see the girl I love is hurting and hurting herself.”

“I know… but I’m willing to become a better person to myself. And I promise to never let it get this bad with out telling you. Hell, I will start telling you every little detail about my day if I must. I just want to be with you.”

Mark smiled down at me and started laughing, “I’m glad you promise that, but I don’t need to know every time you go to the bathroom. Just let me in. Break down those protective walls and let me protect you.”

“Okay.”

With that conversation done with, Mark picked me up bridal style and took me to my bed. As he laid me down, he kissed my forehead and started to go back to his house. I sat back up and yelled, “Wait!”

Mark turned back around to look at me with a questioning look, “What’s the matter?”

“Will you stay and spend the night? I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“Of course, baby girl. I will stay with you.”

Mark then went to my dresser where he kept a drawer with his clothes for when we have sleep overs and began putting on his pajamas. I usually look away to give him some privacy, but to know that he is mine, I just couldn’t look away. Mark turned around after getting dressed and smiled at me while he got into bed. I then turned into him to cuddle. I put one leg in between his legs, I also put half of my body on top of his, and I nuzzled my face into his neck. His arms went around my body to hold me closer and we stayed silent as we tried to fall asleep. The last thing before sleep took over my full body was a quiet, “I love you, Y/N.”