Parting of ways

Oaths of love, patterned in blood

Parting of ways for good

All conditions met, all pain withstood

Twin hearts torn,  by cruel hands of fate

False pride kills all and prevails

Forever parting soul mates

Now we meet as strange souls

In dim lit, blue dreams

Wandering below a nothing sky

Pausing near grey streams

Walking away from each other

As our pining hearts  scream

I see you slowly turning to my silent call

Love crossing a rift, many miles long

Through a melting glass wall

Reviews

[Tom]

Sad even uncomfortably surreal when love between two who once outwardly vibrant together now almost embarrassed after the inevitable break-up to be in each other's company as opportunity has it, once more both find themselves in each other's company, strangers estranged with little to share in conversation...

' Now we meet as strange souls

In dim lit, blue dreams

Wandering below a nothing sky

Pausing near grey streams '

[Andra Davis]

Hey thanks Tom. I appreciate your review.

[Neville]

.. If this was ever to be made into a high budget tv series I would insist it was called Breaking Sad .. & no kidding .. Neville

[Andra Davis]

Yes. That could be it nicely. Thank you Neville.

[Marie]

A very poignant write finely penned and feelings expressed so well. Excellent visual detail. I particularly like the final line in the poem as love returns through a 'melting glass wall', simply superb! Thank you for sharing, Andra. Lovely work...

[Andra Davis]

Thank you Marie. I like that.

[Marie]

Welcome, Andra...

[AYVID N]

This made for quite a surreal read. I got the feeling of helplessness in your words. Dreams can be so unsettling at times. Great work Andra.

[Andra Davis]

Thank you Ayvid.

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

first poem i read of yours! i really like the slowness of the three-line stanzas. you are of course talking about a very difficult time, but your control over the style seems to me like you are ready to move on.
my favorite part was "In dim lit, blue dreams / Wandering below a nothing sky" it's striking imagery, which reveals mood and temperature very well. these days can be hard, but as someone once told me -- "turn your pain into poetry." and i live by that.

[Andra Davis]

Thank you Ern.

[Ern M. Yoshimoto]

just came by and read it again. that line still hits me ;)

[Fia Naturie]

Very sad, but I felt this. Walking away is the hardest thing to do.

[Andra Davis]

Aww thanks 😊

[emmajoygreen]

A poem of high emotion, too many mixed memories, finely written but - preferring perhaps to curl invisible, static and more. These are words written in red, Andra.

[Andra Davis]

Thank you Emma. :)

[Poetic Beauty]

Unfortunately love doesn’t always withstand the trials thrown at it from life and living. There are things that can happen that cause love to be departed even if we still deeply feel it in our hearts.

[Andra Davis]

Hey thanks Beauty. That's nice of you.

[Betty Hermelee]

Parting ways for good; that is pretty heavy... to me, it's right up there with divorce and death... loss of a loved one is so dreadful... even hard to imagine in one owns psyche....i like your words "as our pinning hearts scream"... very sad, "now we meet as strange souls"... nicely written
Warmly, B

[Andra Davis]

Thanks Betty :)

[Betty Hermelee]

Youre very welcome
Warmly, B🌷

[Jade Goodnight]

Beautifully sad and well written.

[Andra Davis]

Thanks Jade :)

[JayG]

Oaths of love, patterned in blood
Parting of ways for good
All conditions met, all pain withstood
-----------

There’s a LOT more to metrical poetry than tossing in a rhyme where one occurs to you. It’s a field that’s been under refinement for centuries, remember. So, taking advantage of that makes a lot of sense. As Wilson Mizner put it: “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.”

A poem and a song have a lot in common, in that the beat (foot in poetry) helps the reader know the way the author wanted it to be read. It provides a rhythm. So in most cases, with the first stanza, we give the reader a structure that will repeat.

In this first stanza, line 1 is trochiac, with 4 feet and a masculine ending (ends on the beat. Feminine is ending between beats):

OATHS of LOVE, PATT-erned in BLOOD

Stanza 2 L1 is Trochaic, with 5 feet, and a masculine ending
TWIN hearts TORN, by CRU-el HANDS of FATE

S3L1 is Trochaic, with 3 feet and a feminine ending.
NOW we MEET as STRANGE souls (or STRANGE SOULS. You know your intent but the reader doesn’t)

And the final stanza is Iambic, with 5 feet and a masculine ending

i SEE you SLO-ly TURN-ing to my SI-lent CALL.
---------------
In other words, from a reader’s viewpoint, it’s unpredictable.

And while the rhyming of Stanza 1 is AAA, S2 =ABB, S3=ABCB, S4=AB, and S5=ABA. The reader expects an established pattern to repeat.

Bottom line: It’s not about talent or writing skill. It’s that we forget that they offer degree programs in poetry related subjects, and so, don’t dig into the skills of the field. But, that’s easily fixed.

Try this:

Jump over to Amazon and read the excerpt From Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. It will amaze you with things about language that we use but never notice.

His book is excellent, but, take a look at the excerpt from Mary Oliver’s, Rules For the Dance, too, to decide which one is best for you to select for a full read.

For non-metrical poetry, Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook, can be read or downloaded at the site linked to below.
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

So... this was pretty far from what you hoped to see, I know, but since the problems are invisible to the author, and won’t be addressed, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[Andra Davis]

Hey thanks Jay. Still learning so noted your tips for reading better. Will look up that stuff for sure.