"I Found A Letter..."

This is an older piece... but some days and times are MEANT to remember "older" bits of us - ya know?  26 Dec. 2020

"I Found A letter…"

     It was already a long day and the cold just wouldn't let up.  Even a couple of foot-miles wears on you… ya know?  So I started looking for a place, saw the lil niche in the old stone wall.  The breeze carried a damp cold, the kind that inveigles and bites and if I sort of hunkered-down I knew it would pass me by and look for another victim - at least for a little while.

     It wasn't much - as shelters go, but it was MINE, at least for the moment - ‘til I moved on as I always have.  There was a bit of trash and life’s debris there along the base of the wall.  Wind-pressed and strewn into place, a near hardscrabble pile of oddments and old brown and broken leaves mixed with cigarette butts, and the odd bit of Styrofoam, paper and even the shimmer of plastic.  I poked at the mass with my walking stick to clear a space and damn… I uncovered it… a single, tightly folded, many-creased, dirt and time crumpled-wrinkled sheet.  Scrawled in age-spread-and-faded ink was something… something I couldn’t quite make out - a name?  Yeah, a Mr. and Mrs. and some sorta address.

     Yes, sigh, I just had to bend down and pick it up and then finish clearing the ground.  I sat - my back to the wall, drew my knees up, then leaned my stick against the wall.  A lot of thoughts were flooding my mind as I slowly unfolded and gently straightened that sheet of paper.  My eyes sort of unfocused, that happens more often now, guess it's a 'getting older' thing and I just sat for a bit - seeing but not really 'seeing' that bit of ‘nothing’ held in my hands.

December,

"Dear Santa, "

     …it began… and I remembered being ten and my pride at just how SMALL I could print with a sharp pointed pencil and still have it readable and I never needed lines - somehow my letters stayed straight and ordered across seas of white space - row after row after row.  It was like entire books on a single sheet - paper was hard to come by sometimes… you HAD to save it for school stuff.  I even filled the margins of used paper.  I had so much to say then… and it was all lost along the ways… living, surviving, moving along ‘til it’s all a second nature.  Eventually you learn to hold it in, where it won't be lost.

~ "Mary is my sister and she asked me to write you for her.  She's too little still to write.  We talked it over and all she really wants for Christmas is to go home.  She's been good all year, really she has and Dad was layed off "~

…from Anchor Motor Freight.  It was just yet another eight months of seldom enough of anything, a lot of cold, hurt and shame.  I was angry but then again it seemed everyone was angry… They gave away my dog.  I walked a lot, seems I've always walked a lot - God never took away my feet… just my friends.  I had so many 'homes' getting to eighteen, even a farm once.  I remember each for what was lost… and innocence never counted.  I learned to dream… things are good in dreams you know, even nightmares have a certain pride of ownership.

~ "and he got real angry at mom and us and went away.  Mary misses him a lot and promises not to ask for anything anymore." ~

     Seems we always ask too much - somehow.  Among the worst is "Why?" and the answers seldom help.  You can forget physical pain - how it feels, how much it hurt, its sharpness, the sting, and the after ache.  You forget the tears.  But you can never forget the fear you felt or the words that were said.  Sometimes you can face the fear - eventually, even forgive the words, but you NEVER forget they were said… no matter how hard you try. 

     You have to LEARN how to feel ashamed - it doesn't come naturally.  Lessons take time (often years) and they're seldom earned - just given over and over ‘til you BELIEVE.  I believed for a long, long time - hell of a habit to break, believing something, ya know?

~ "Santa, she believes and she said please too."

"Sincerely Yours,
Sean and Mary ~ "

     … and yes I know I shouldn't have unfolded that single sheet and looked within another's hurt at my own.  It isn't fair, it just isn't fair… some 'times' never seem to change regardless of all the years in between; but damn, its always real - ya know?

     I mailed Mary's letter… maybe it was read by their grandparents or maybe just a time-kindened Santa and she got to go home… but I never did.

Chris

Author's Note

An older piece, feel free.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

poignant and deeply sad setting scene and characters .. lives all wrapped in a chapter .. in one soiled wrinkled letter opened by sympathetic hands ... so sad sir! killer closing .. i feel the weight of those children and your "walker" ... this line:
"Wind-pressed and strewn into place," .. love it! just like the lives of your characters .. very very sad .. i feel the weight of this one sir!
E.

[Corset]

Happy Near year Chris, we all need something to believe in.

[Chris]

Have an amazing New Year...

[Corset]

TY will do

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

The holidays always bring out deep thoughts & feelings.
I always thought about why my mom seemed to hate the holidays, but now that I am grown up--I understand her feelings, however as a child--I told myself that would never be like that. Now, I see why she had these negative thoughts about all of it.
Your piece brings light to the way many view it, and how it comes about over time.
This year has been one of those years that tested my faith and patience with the holiday season.
Children deserve to enjoy it and be loved at this time of the year.

[Chris]

and WE as adults deserve to let them... but we seldom do...

[Josie E. Cook M. A.]

I think this is true in some situations, but not in my home.

[emmajoy]

This made me cry a little. It's such a human piece, so full of youth, age .. bemusement, understanding - in fact, everything - but only when perhaps, you realised what not going home really meant.

Tis beautiful, Chris.

[emmajoy]

2021

' I was angry but then again it seemed everyone was angry… They gave away my dog. I walked a lot, seems I've always walked a lot - God never took away my feet… just my friends. I had so many 'homes' getting to eighteen, even a farm once. I remember each for what was lost… and innocence never counted. I learned to dream… things are good in dreams you know, even nightmares have a certain pride of ownership. '

Still touches..

[Delmar Cooper]

So many times I hear a story and if I c**k my head just so I hear the real story, the story within. This as a beautiful example of the enclosed tale. Thank you for sharing this.

[olla]

so many of us have lost our way home.. for lots of reasons.. I have read this several times since you posted it.. I love the use of a letter to bring all the parts of this story together.. there is a sadness for the lost children as well as the lost wanderer.. but there is also the hope that our own lost letters might somehow have gotten delivered to the right address..

[olla]

nope.. the words are always indelibly etched across the soul.. and the scars still throb..

[olla]

life doesn't run backwards.. every time I tried to track my way back I found that "home" had vanished like Brigadoon in it's hundred year sleep.. some things are timeless..

[olla]

thankyou for reposting this.. it is especially appropiate for these times.. my grown-up "me"doesn't ask Santa anymore and the situations may be different but the "Mary" in me still begs to be forgiven for whatever it was that I did to cause such sadness and grief..

[Dennis White]

Chris,
This is a sad story, one of loneliness, detachment and even worse...acceptance. I guess somewhere wrapped up in the serenity pledge whether conscious or not: 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.'
there is a compromise that transcends circumstances and it allows us to deal with whatever faces us.
I like the interaction with the "Letter", it does add a dimension of hope into an otherwise barren story of merely coping. Thanks for sharing this thoughtful write which is food for thought.

Dennis