no longer pretending

•~

pin a beautiful brooch
to this crumpled old gown
one that glitters
like a star i could never become
i want to be radiant
but i am tethered to the ground

i am hot, i say
and he nods
his voice an echo that doesn’t reach me
it frustrates me that i cannot hear

down the hallway
he wheels me through the faces
the ones that don’t matter

i nod and smile
it's an act, a game
an empty acknowledgment
of a body that still exists

i am still here
look, i am still here

can you stand, he asks
if i say no, will you hold me, i ask back
haven't i always, he says

i rise
gripping my gown tightly in one hand
no peeking, i warn him
wouldn't dream of it, he lies, smiling

getting into bed is an effort
my chest heavy, lungs betraying me

i will close my eyes now
the day is done
and i am no longer pretending