River

The icy water is at my back,

there are Lillies in my hair.

I'am floating down this river,

the river of despair.

 

There's no one here to save me

and now it is too late.

Im floating down this river, 

in time I'll meet the Fates

My fingers are so cold,

my lips have turned to blue.

My heart will soon stop beating and 

this world I will leave to you

 

Reviews

[David Scott]

This one has promise. Like the song... I would try to get a more 7676 Meyer going here. You had it in several lines but let it get away from you. Actualy very easy to get this into a fine meter.
An exaample is :
Icy waters at my back
White lilies in my hair
I'm floating down this river
The river of despair

There's no one here to save me
And now it is too late
I'm floating down this river
In time I'll meet the Fates

My fingers all feel frozen
My lips have turned to blue
My heart will soon stop beating
This world I leave to you

You may not like this, but it flows a little better to my eye and says the same this almost to the word...
I hope this is helpful.
I really liked your poetry here!
Be well.

[Riley Mistwood]

thank you for taking the time to read my poem and to offer a suggestion. i will def. take it into consideration

[}Echo{]

This is very deep. I like this. Great write. :)

[Riley Mistwood]

thanks :)

[}Echo{]

:)