look and see

You use to talk to them all the time, that one person that you used to turn to for everything good or bad and you thought that if you ever lost them a piece of you will be gone. Then you make the biggest mistake that you have ever made you break their trust in you. All of a sudden your asking that person for forgiveness and after a while they forgive you, Your friends again. Then something comes over you, every time your near them you feel this load of gilt running through you, you have no idea why because you went through all of this ache and people judging you and they have forgiven you. You start to push yourself away from that person but it seems as if they don't notice, it seems as if they care more about everyone else but you. You don't mind though because after all you are the one pushing them away. You can't look at them anymore let alone speak to them or about them and you don't want to be in the same room. You feel lonely you don't speak to anyone you used to anymore. 

This is the time that you notice that you were addicted to this person like a smoker on cigarettes, the thing is though they got taken away from you. When most smokers don't have a cigarette for a bit they begin to want it more and more until they give in and have another. You can't give in to this urge though because you no longer know how to talk to them and they seem happier without you. Suddenly your giving up this addiction and you start to realize that you don't want to give it up. You don't know what to do anymore and you look around for answers to why you pushed them away and the only thing you can come up with is not that they didn't forgive you but you didn't forgive yourself. After all how can you expect for them to forgive you when you haven't. As time goes by you become worse than ever you don't want to go outside of your room let alone your house and you begin to think about things that shouldn't be going through your mind, mentally ill. You can't get out of this by yourself anymore and you need someone to notice how ill you really are. 

A few days go by and your friends notice that you aren't around as much. They start to notice that your not doing the things that you would normally be doing and the smile that you try to put on your face can be seen as a fake. They start to get worried but then think that maybe your just having a bad week, so they wait for a few weeks to tell someone about it. They get more and more worried about you and they start to look around for answers, but that one person is still happy and doesn't notice that anything is wrong because they can't see the pain you are going through. A friend comes up to  you and hands you a card it has a number on it for help. They knew that you wouldn't call for help yourself so they called for you. 

You start to attend group meeting for people with mental illness, When the meeting is over the group leader pulls you aside and tells you that she thinks that you should have single sessions as well. You take it as you are worse than the others. So you start to work through your problems. You start to get better and you start doing the things that you would normally do again. In your next group session you admit how you haven't forgiven yourself. You tell them that when you do forgive yourself, you are going to remember that day like no other and to remember to always forgive yourself. That day you will get a tattoo saying forgiven.  

After months and months of going to these sessions you finally are happy and you realize that you do forgive yourself, so you do what you said you were going to do, you get that tattoo saying forgiven, to remind yourself that you have to learn to forgive yourself before you ask others for their forgiveness. You get asked by your English teacher what you want to get out of you senior years. He goes around asking everyone and they all say things like "To get better grades" and "To hold onto my last years of school" but when he gets to you, you say "I want to start fresh, I want those who i pushed away when i was ill to forgive me, i want to start over and just be happy and when things start to get complicated i want to embrace it because that's what life is. I want to remember to always forgive myself before asking for forgiveness from others" your teacher is impressed and asks you if there is a person in this class that you want to start over with, You reply with "there are many people in this class that i want to start over with but the main person is" you say the name of that person and they looked shocked. Your teacher and class watches as you walk over to that person and they stand up so they are face to face with you. You start to talk "i pushed many people away you the most I was ill and i didn't know what to do but when i was in these sessions i realized that even though you forgave me i hadn't forgiven myself i am so sorry and i want to ask can we start over" they smile but stand there shocked you lift up your shirt to show your tattoo "forgiven" they read out loud as you nod your head "I got this the day i realized that i had forgiven myself for what i had done not just to you but to everyone" 

"Hi" you say "my name is" as you say your name that person laughs "hi" they say back" may name is" as they say their name a bit of your heart fills up. you looks around one last time and you see some of your class mates crying others looked shocked like they didn't know what to do and the rest looked in awe. Your friend who called to get you the sessions stands up and says "we had never seen you cry you were the strongest out of all of us and when you fell apart we did to because if you out of all of us couldn't handle what was happening to you then it must have been ten times as hard as what we have been through im glad that you are better" the whole class started clapping. This was a day to remember you are lucky enough to start fresh.

Reviews

[Dino]

Hey Amy ") i finally got here lol i really love your in-depth character study and deep insight into the human psyche here. as you have described so well here, forgiving yourself is the biggest step towards healing. if you don't forgive yourself then you can't move forward. So this is a very powerful story indeed and i hope it reaches people who are lost like the character in your story. a wonderful journey to self discovery and healing with a very satisfying end ") well written and beautifully thought out. keep up the great work my friend and link me with your new work. your friend and fellow author...Dino

[(!)ALou(!)]

Hey Dino. to tell you the truth this piece of work is actually written loosely on an event that have been in my life for a while so i am glad that you liked it although i am not sure that many people have read this piece. I hope it does help someone out there. On another note i am glad to say that i have started writing another story yay! haha my friend loves it so far and i hope you will enjoy it as well. It is about a girl who has changed a lot and how she has become who she is now i hope to get the first chapter up tonight. I hope you Enjoy -A