This is not my life

it's a journal entry. I like the snowglobe reference

 

Nov 9, 2007

 

 

last night I had grandma's house to myself. it was wonderfully quiet. She lives out in the country with a pond and horses and chickens and a cat. It was a welcome change from dorm life.

 

While I ate my scrumptious chinese frozen dinner ( I love those things!) I had time and space to think. A conversation with Tim the other day got me thinking. What's behind all this stress I'm experiencing? Behind the irritability, how do I feel about myself?

It only took me a few moments to find the answer: disappointed.

 

 

this is not how things were supposed to turn out. A year ago my faith had pretty much returned and I never would have guessed I would end up having a nervous breakdown then 2 weeks later going to the ER with a panic attack, constantly afraid of dying, screaming profanity at my best friend, and never really being okay. I have nightmares every time I sleep. This is not how things were supposed to turn out.

 

Two years ago i was freakin Evangelist Barbie, going to a christian college, psyched about going on a missions trip to Bulgaria. I liked having to go to chapel every day. I was a small group leader on my dorm floor. I organized the Latin America section of World Prayer every Monday night. And I enjoyed it! My friend Bessie and I taught a kids' sunday school class together every week. I loved those kids. The last summer I was there, Ngufan and I spent about 6 weeks going to the ghetto of our city a few times a week and playing with the kids, praying with people and talking about God. We went just because we felt that God wanted us there.

 

2 years sounds like a long time ago, but it's not. It feels like yesterday. I just...can't believe how fast everything changed. My beliefs, my friends, my lifestyle, my location...evverything changed. And it's still changing.

 

 

I feel like one of those little people in a snowglobe, after it gets shaken up.

Lost in a snowstorm.

 

Reviews

[Theresa Anne]

I love the last two lines of this piece. It gives such a true description of what many of us feel at one point or another in our lives. Life is full of change and it never stops. In this crazy world...sometimes we just need to stop and focus on ourselves. Be strong...you're here for a reason. You may not know what it is right now...but one day it will become crystal clear.