Chapter 18:

 

 

 

 

 

 

O

h, just shoot me! This is not a fun subject, but it’s one of the biggest fears that come with leaving faith, right up there with “Am I going to hell?” Coming out as Ex-Christian carries a lot of risk for rejection, and it will be the acid test that reveals who your real friends are.

At first, I thought that I had a responsibility to tell my family right away about my change of heart and mind. Thankfully, while reading posts on an Ex-Christian message board, I discovered that I don’t have to tell anyone! As a matter of fact, it would be wise in my situation to put off that conflict until it absolutely has to happen. If your family and friends are religious, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that they will likely not be thrilled about your new way of thinking. Detoxing from your religion is hard enough without the pressure of your family’s fear, grief and anger, so I recommend that you keep this info between you and a few people you can trust until the time is right for the fam to find out.

 

Of course, there is no law stating that you must tell your family at any time. That is completely up to you. Every family is different, and you should do whatever you feel comfortable with in your situation.

 

 One thing to consider is their opinion about eternal security, that is, whether Ex-Christians go to heaven or not. Some branches of Christianity teach that Ex-Christians will still go to heaven because salvation is eternally binding. Other denominations teach that if a Christian rejects Jesus, then they forfeit their place in heaven. This will make a difference as to how upset they will be about your decision. Again, do whatever would be best in your situation. You know your family better than I do.

 

 I picked out a few friends that I felt I could trust and told them one by one. After being rejected by a friend for supporting gay rights earlier in the year, I was very careful about whom I told. At the time of this writing, I’ve discussed my Ex-Christianity with twelve people, including my ex-pastor, and their reactions have been mostly positive. Some just nodded and said “Okay,” others affirmed me wholeheartedly and only one tried to talk me out of it. As you can see, he didn’t succeed.

 

I have yet to bring it up with my family, and am content to leave it that way as long as possible. My life is finally settling down and I am not eager to invite in more heartache and conflict. Naively, I thought that the sooner I brought up the subject, the sooner the storm would be over, but after giving it some thought, I know that is not the truth. In reality, the sooner I bring it up, the longer I will live with the consequences. There’s no time limit when it comes to family tension.

 

I learned something while I was in the middle of The Great Gay Debate of 2007. When people are scared, they sometimes do and say very hurtful things. It scared some of the people who knew me when I started supporting gay rights earlier this year. They could see I was changing and there wasn’t anything they could do about it. Of course, there were also the mean people who were never my friends in the first place, but people like that will always be around, and it’s best to ignore them. People are most afraid when they think they are going to lose something, and I think some of them were afraid of losing the Amy they always knew. That explains why they said some of the hurtful things they said.

 

 One friend has had a particularly hard time accepting this big change in my life, but I think he’s trying and that counts for something. However, I have figured out that we cannot have a discussion about this and keep our friendship intact, so ultimately I suggested that we drop the subject entirely. If the situation becomes too volatile, the best thing to do is just agree to keep that controversy out of your friendship. And that’s all right. Religion and politics are probably the two most divisive topics in existence and it’s best to steer clear of both in conversation[1].

 

Some of your more assertive friends and relations may try to get you to change your mind. (I know, because I used to be one of those assertive friends and relations). Some might recommend Christian books for you to read. Several people suggested I read books by apologists Lee Strobel and Josh McDowell. Lucky for me, I was one step ahead of them. I read several of Lee Strobel’s books in high school (giving several copies away to “doubters”) and although I have not read McDowell’s books, I am very familiar with him and what he does.

 

 If someone suggests that you read a Christian book, or go talk to a pastor, or in any other way tries to “save you”, remember that you don’t owe them anything. If you are genuinely interested in reading books from a Christian perspective or talking with religious leaders, then do so, but only if you want to. If your loved one accuses you of being closed-minded, or something else you find offensive, you don’t have to launch into a theological debate. You can simply say “I’m sorry you feel that way” and leave it at that. It takes two to argue, so if you don’t participate, there’s no argument.

 

I think it’s pointless to argue with someone who has his mind made up, anyway. My theory is when people argue about something, it’s because they aren’t really sure about it themselves. If someone wants to argue with you, it’s because they are really trying to convince themselves, not you. Your refusal to argue may be seen as further closed-mindedness, but that’s their problem, not yours.

 

Here are some classic responses you might hear at some point from your Christian friends/family and my comments on why these statements are annoying:

 

1.                  “How could you throw away your beliefs so quickly?” or “Do you understand what you’re doing?” This question is irritating because the person assumes that you flippantly threw away your beliefs in response to a single, isolated event. Most likely, the erosion of your beliefs was a process that took months or even years to bring you to this point. Even in the unlikely event that you did rake your beliefs down the disposal one morning after breakfast, you have a right to do that! It’s your life, and in most modern countries, you have the right to believe whatever you want. It astounds me how Christians think it’s wonderful when a non-believer runs to the altar and accepts Jesus, but will criticize an Ex-Christian for “leaving too quickly.” Quite the double standard.

 

2.                  “Satan is deceiving you.” Oh yes, I remember that in Pentecostal World, everything that made us feel bad was “an attack from Satan.” Colds, wrong numbers, car wrecks, dead batteries, etc. Of course these events were only classified as Satanic Attacks if it they happened to an American Christian. If something unfortunate happened in a foreign country or to a gay person, it was deemed the “Judgment of God.” Now that I don’t believe in Satan, it doesn’t bother me at all if someone thinks Satan is attacking me.

 

3.                  “You’re just going through a dry spell.” No, a dry spell is when you don’t feel like reading your Bible. De-conversion is when you no longer believe what the Bible says. Those are two very different things.

 

4.                  “This is just a phase. Most people doubt their faith at some point.” Translation: “I hope this is a phase. Please let it be a phase!” When I hear this, I feel like I’m not being taken seriously. I’m sad to say there are people who will only support you as long as they think there’s a chance you’ll come crawling back to the faith. Initially, they will act so accepting and supportive, but after time goes by and it dawns on them that you really meant it, they will disappear. On the other hand, I asked one friend how she would feel if this turned out not to be a phase and she said she would love me just the same. SHE is a true friend.

 

5.                  “You must have never really believed in the first place.” At its core, this statement is a defense of the Christian faith. Christians have a responsibility to defend the perfection of their belief system no matter what, so when you forsake it, they will likely assume the problem is with you, not the system. Doesn’t that make you feel special? No? Me either. This one angers me the most. I want to respond: “Who are you to make judgments about the sincerity of my faith?” Unfortunately, this is a very popular assumption and one you’re likely to hear. The sad thing is, sometimes the people who say this are the ones who had so much confidence in you when you were a Christian. This is how I recommend dealing with it: refuse to get into a debate about whether or not your faith was real. Arguing will be a waste of time. Shrugging it off by saying: “Whether you believe me or not, I know my faith was real and that’s all that matters.” should suffice.

 

6.                  “Romans 3:23 says…” I want to reply, “It’s great that you memorized your Power Verse for the week-, but I don’t care what the Bible says. If I did, I would still be a Christian.” I feel insulted when people quote scripture at me because they’re implying that I don’t know the Bible, and that’s not true. I’m not a theologian, but as a Christian, I was more familiar with the Bible than most of my Christian peers. I had a very thorough education of the scriptures, so I would like to be treated as such.

People who tell us these things have no idea the pain we have experienced while tearing ourselves away from our former beliefs. They don’t know the extreme courage it took for us to leave our familiar territory and venture into the scary unknown. If they knew, they definitely wouldn’t be saying things like that.

 

The sad thing is I am probably guilty of using all those annoying responses I listed above. When I was a Christian, I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to leave the faith. My only assumptions were that either people left because they want to live in sin, they never really believed in the first place, or Satan had deceived them. Classic. I should cut Christians some slack, because really, I know where they are coming from. I even remember the pressure to cut off contact with people who had defected from the faith. Thank goodness, that doesn’t happen in every case!

 

 I have been pleasantly surprised by how many of my friends didn’t let this affect our relationship. I expected their reactions to be worse than they were. Eventually, though, someone is going to reject you because of this change in your life and it is going to sting. The closer you were to the person, the worse it will hurt.

 

One such person in my life was Tiffany.

Tiffany and I had been friends for years. We were classmates, prayer partners, and a source of support in each others’ lives. I counted her as one of my best friends. When I graduated from high school, she was one of the few classmates I kept in touch with. When I lost and regained my faith the first time, she was the one who supported me and called to check up on me.

 

Strangely enough, I was still a believer when our friendship came to a halt. I started supporting gay rights and because of some pro-gay things I published on the internet, rumors were flying around that I was a lesbian. I didn’t care what people were saying about me because I knew the rumors weren’t true, but that wasn’t good enough for Tiffany. She would rather me not support gays at all. Understandably, this change in my beliefs scared her and left her feeling very upset, but what happened next surprised me.

 

After several conversations and a chain of events where I tried in vain to make her feel better, she told me, in certain terms, that she didn’t want to be seen with me anymore. Her reputation as a Christian could suffer if people associated her with a gay rights supporter, she reasoned, and it just wasn’t worth the risk. I cried, and I cried, and I cried some more. I sought advice from almost all of my friends, and they all said the same thing: “Anyone who treats you like that was never your friend in the first place.” I felt like I was losing a best friend, but the truth was, I was just realizing that we were never friends in the first place. Finally, I decided to let it go and move on with my life, even though it felt like a piece of my heart had been torn out.

 

Some people in your life will support and affirm you to the very end and some will break your heart. When I get down about being rejected or I worry about how my family will react when they find out, I just remember the friends I have who will back me up no matter what. And you know what? It doesn’t take a whole fan club; just having one person who believes in you can give you the courage you need to be yourself. I know it is tempting to revert back to your old way of life just to keep people happy, but remember that your true friends will ultimately love you no matter what-and the others? Let them go! You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

 

My favorite line from “Madea Goes to Jail” is: “If somebody wants to walk out of your life- let them go!”(“Madea Goes to Jail”) And those who want to stay- hang on to them. True friends are hard to find, so if you have even one, count yourself lucky.

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[1] Unless you are a talk show host in which case, controversy = more attention= your next paycheck