Chapter 15: Getting Your Self-Esteem Back

You're not just a dirty sinner on the trash heap of life! You are a valuable person!

 

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opular church phrases that help run your self-esteem into the ground:

“We’re just sinners saved by grace”

“I’m not anything special-just a tool in the hands of the master.”

“I didn’t accomplish anything-all the glory goes to God.”

“Who are we to question God? We are insignificant and stupid compared to Him!”

“Even the best of us deserves to go to hell”

 

In a nutshell: We are nothing, we can do nothing,and we deserve nothing. It’s no wonder our self-esteem is such a mess! What are we supposed to think when we’ve been told over and over: “You’re never good enough, because God wants you to be perfect and you will never be perfect so you will always be a failure. We are sinful, sinful, sinful! We cannot go ten seconds without sinning." Put that mess back in the compost bin where it belongs! It's really okay to think of yourself as a good person, hey, even a great person! Start reminding yourself of what you do right instead of where you "fall short."

 

Here’s a fun exercise you can do. I did it last New Year’s Eve. Take a sheet of paper and write down everything you are proud to have accomplished in the last year. It may surprise you how long your list is! My list included getting a piercing, designing a mural, exercising regularly, flying by myself, and learning to cha-cha. I keep that list on a corkboard in my room to remind myself of how capable I really am. I am smart, I am powerful, I am independent, and I make good decisions for myself. It’s not arrogant to speak positively about yourself. In school, you were told “don’t vote for yourself” but I say, if you don’t vote for yourself, how can you expect anyone else to vote for you?

 

I was raised in a pretty hard-line denomination, and we sharply criticized preachers who sounded like motivational speakers. We figured that to be a good Christian, one must engage in a certain amount of self- flogging. Self-confidence gets in the way of godliness, you know. Even though I got off the Jesus train, I still like to listen to preachers like Joel Osteen. Joel is well-known for speaking positively and encouraging people to do the same. He has these trademark phrases like “You’re going over, not under!”, “Be the victor, not the victim!” and “You are an over comer!”

I think when someone starts telling you what a great person you are, whether it’s true or not, it makes you want to be a better person. 

 

And another thing- everything you do doesn’t rise and fall on your faith in Jesus. I have heard that it’s only through Jesus that you can have a successful marriage, lose weight, pay your bills, or raise your kids. Enough of that already! I used to work at a women’s fitness center and I assure you, you can lose weight without doing daily devotions. Eating healthy foods and exercise does it for most people. And puh-lease! If praying to Jesus makes your marriage so good, then why is the divorce rate the same inside the church as outside? 

 

I’m just saying, we humans are more capable than we believe. There is so much we can do to affect our own lives. I remember hearing that if you are not in the all-important “will of God”, then your plans will fail. Maybe you were also told to consult God before making any moderately important decisions. Some people put their lives on hold waiting for “confirmation from God” when they could be out getting started on what they want. If there’s a trip you want to take, a book you want to write or a job you want to pursue, then trust your own judgment and get started on it!

 

We believed for too long never to trust ourselves because “our desires are wicked” and “The heart is deceitful above all things.” One good thing this de-conversion has done for me is teach me to trust myself. I am a smart, capable person, well able to make good decisions without waiting for mystical “confirmation” from a god I cannot even be sure exists. It took leaving my faith to realize that, and I hope that in this process, you start trusting yourself too. After all, if you can’t trust yourself, who can you trust?