Chapter 13: The Courage to Let Go

 

What would you believe if you had no fear? I know that’s hard to imagine. It’s even hard for me sometimes. We were told our whole lives to maintain a fear of God. After all- to defy him was to place the eternity of your soul in jeopardy.

 

From the time I was a child, I saw plays at church depicting the Judgment of God. Four friends would be riding in a car together, two Christians and two non-Christians. Suddenly, a car crossed the median and headed straight for them. We heard the squeal of tires and the metal-on-metal impact. Then, everything went black. The four friends found themselves at the judgment seat of God. The Hallelujah Chorus played triumphantly as the angels ushered the Christians into heaven while they squealed with joy. Then, the other two friends were all alone. Scary music struck fear into our hearts as Satan and his demons appeared, dragging away the unbelievers as they kicked and screamed bloody murder.

 

It’s the strongest motivator imaginable- the threat of burning in hell for all eternity. That is precisely the reason I accepted Christ in the first place and the reason for every religious escapade I participated in-fear of God. We weren’t of the “once-saved-always-saved” persuasion. Our persuasion was, “The same God who saved you can un-save you!” So it makes sense that the first concern I had during detox was “What if I go to hell?” It’s enough to make you drive the speed limit, that’s for sure! After my initial detox and questioning my beliefs, I wasn’t afraid of going to hell anymore. This is one of my journal entries I wrote during that time:

 

Yes, it's Sunday, which means it's the roughest day of the week, but it wasn't too bad today. I helped run an appreciation breakfast and a baby shower today so it kept me busy. My attitude during church truly was horrible though. Right off the bat we were reminded ( albeight in a semi-lighthearted way) that we had better not lie because liars go to hell.  Allright, good morning to you too. I haven't slept well in months, I was awakened at seven o’clock this morning by an enthusiastic dog jumping on me, I got here two hours before you did and the first thing you remind me of is my possibility of going to hell?

 

 I pretty much put that concern out of my mind though, because that whole idea just does not make sense to me. Back in the day, I might have actually been worried about it, but now I'm just like, “I’m sorry you live in fear of going to hell. It must suck to be you."

 

Possibly the second most powerful motivator the church uses for good behavior is THE RAPTURE. Remember this chorus: “There’s no time to change your mind, the son has come and you’ve been left behind…I wish we’d all been ready”?(Norman) How could I forget? I heard about the Second Coming from the time I was a child. I sat through many badly produced movies on the subject. Too many. Even when I was a Christian, I thought it was unethical to use rapture movies to scare people into being saved. It seemed to me that when scare tactics are used to influence someone, the resulting decision is not genuine.

 

It is totally normal to have fears left over from your believing days, like fear of angering god, fear of missing the rapture, fear of committing the “unpardonable sin”, and fear of going to hell just to name the big ones. At first, you may find yourself saying prayers of repentance “just in case.” For me, quick “Lord, forgive me” prayers were such a part of my daily life that it wasn’t something I thought about. Depending on where you go from here, you may still offer prayers of repentance to some deity, but since I’m currently agnostic, I don’t.

 

My fear of hell was the hardest thing to overcome. I was so afraid of what would happen to me if I denied God, put down my Bible, and walked away. I kept thinking, “What if I go to hell?” This journal entry I wrote describes my process of letting go:

 

I once read that you will be the same person in 10 years if not for the books you read and the people you meet. I'd like to add, " and the movies you watch."
I have devoured the movie" Fight Club"(“Fight Club”) ever since I saw it for the first time a few weeks ago. It's trippy, it messes with your mind, and it makes you question things, especially your identity. A popular line is, “You are not your job. You are not your car. You are not how much money you have in the bank. You are not your f- - - ing khakis."

 

           The film's bad-boy character, played by Brad Pitt, talks a lot about letting go and hitting bottom. "It's not until you lose everything that you have the freedom to do anything" he says.
After watching it for the third time, I'm starting to understand. In an email this week, I told my friend that losing my faith was the best thing that ever happened to me. My beliefs were everything to me. I let them define me and own me. I had no identity outside of my religion. 

 

           Then came the crash.

           I haven't lived many years, but feeling the emptiness and deafening silence of a world without a god, and then feeling totally betrayed by the highest power I had ever trusted, that is the closest I have come to "hitting bottom." Wrestling, kicking and screaming with what I had once believed left me exhausted and angry, very angry. The scariest part was no longer having a religion to define who I was. I had nothing to hide behind, no labels to stick on myself. It was just me, whoever that was.

           A significant scene in Fight Club is when Brad Pitt is holding down Edward Norton and chemically burning his hand. Norton begs him to stop, the searing pain is more than he has ever felt before, and you can hear his flesh sizzling. Pitt refuses to release him, insisting that he stop running from his pain and embrace it and own it. He tells him to let go. At that moment, Pitt lets go of Norton's still-burning hand and Norton rests in on the table, allowing it to burn. Only then does Pitt neutralize the burn by dousing his hand with vinegar. “Congratulations" he says, "You're one step closer to hitting bottom."

           Like Pitt refusing to release Norton until he stopped struggling, I am thankful that I had to go through so much mental turmoil to discover my identity and my own beliefs. Like Norton, I did have to come to a point where I just let go and allowed myself to not believe anything. I had to overcome my fear of not believing, of not living up to my own expectations, of failing, and just let go.
          The only people who understand this are probably those who have hit bottom themselves, or are currently there. All you want is for someone to rescue you and make the pain stop. Maybe you're still struggling, beating yourself up for not believing. Or maybe you're cringing, waiting for God, if he exists, to punish you for your questioning, or your apathy.

           I usually refrain from giving advice, but if you're looking for some, here it is: Let go. Let go of trying to be perfect. Let go of worrying that if God exists that he must be mad at you. Let go of trying to be something that you're not, and just be. You wouldn't be mad at a corpse for being dead, so don't be mad at yourself if your beliefs are dead.

           I know it sounds crazy, but when you give yourself permission to be you, to question, to love God or hate him, to believe in him or not, things will start getting better. Not overnight, but it will get better.
And I'm confident that the truth will find you in due time. At least it worked that way for me.