Chapter 10: Things I Do Not MIss

Reasons I'm glad I'm no longer a Christian

 

Sure, walking away from your faith can be devastating, but it’s not all bad!

As I think back to my experience with Christian culture, there are many aspects I do not miss. Here are a few that make me laugh every time I remember:

 

1.                  Little Timmy Stories

At youth rallies ( gatherings of Christian teenagers designed to motivate them to be better Christians) I have heard countless stories like this:

"Little Timmy was a regular high schooler just like you. He decided he wanted to make a difference on his campus for Jesus. One day the leader of a gang was bullying Timmy at school. Just as the gang leader was about to punch Timmy in the face, Timmy said," Jesus loves you." The gang leader broke down into tears and accepted Jesus as his savior right there. But that's not all. Then the gang leader witnessed to his homeboys and the whole gang got saved. Then everybody in the whole high school got saved. And everybody lived happily ever after."

This is such a load of bullcrap. I have heard countless stories like that and I honestly don't think any of them actually happened. I think they are Youth Group Urban Legends that have been told for years and no one bothers to question them. Sometimes amazing things do happen, like American's first and second Great Awakening. But you're just setting enthusiastic kids up to be disappointed when they knock themselves out and their whole high school doesn't get saved.

 

2.                Suffering Missionary Stories

These are really just Little Timmy stories with an exotic twist.

You know, the ones about Jim and Linda smith who are in some third world country battling malaria, typhoid, chicken pox, frostbite, and of course the local witch doctor as they spread the gospel. As we all know, the witch doctor is the first to get saved, and then he goes back and tells the rest of the village that they shouldn't make a feast out of the new people because blah blah blah...

It’s like there’s a universal template for missionary stories that all preachers must follow. The only differences are location, names, and catastrophe.

For your enjoyment, I’ve created a Missionary Story template for you so you can make your own stories, Mad Gabs style!

 

Once upon a time in ( country) there lived a missionary couple named (name) and (name). They were all alone on their mission field serving Jesus with their (number) children. The natives were not friendly to the missionary family and planned to kill them by (murder tactic). Well, the dramatically-inclined family made a deal with the witch doctor. Whoever’s god performed the biggest miracle would win. The witch doctor was astonished when the missionary’s God (insert mind-blowing miracle, complete with special effects and an explosion). The witch doctor immediately became a Christian, then the rest of the village converted too. The End.

 

3. Boycotts

American Christians are constantly being told by their leaders to boycott something. It’s not enough to have our own moral code. It is also important to coerce our society into holding the same values by refusing to support anything that could slightly be misconstrued as an insult to the Christian faith. There was always some product I wasn’t supposed to be buying or some TV show I wasn’t supposed to watch. Most of the dangers associated with these things were imagined.

 

These are just the ones I’ve heard of:

1.Disney movies (they contain explicit subliminal messages)

2. Sesame Street (Bert and Ernie are gay)

3. Yoga (it’s another religion)

4. Care bears (satanic)

5.Spongebob Squarepants (he’s effeminate)

6.TV shows with gay characters (promoting the “homosexual agenda.”)

7. WAL-MART ( for offering benefits to the partners of gay employees)

8. Christian rock music (I don’t know why)

9. Pepsi (they put “One Nation…Indivisible” on their two-liters after the Sept. 11^th attacks. “Under God” was missing. This merits a boycott.)

10. Disney World (I don’t know why)

11. Ford Motor Company (for sponsoring a gay pride parade)

 

3.                  The Sex Talks

 

"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things. One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, dirty thing on the face of the earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock
           That quote cracked me up the first time I read it. It's funny because it's SO TRUE.
When I was in jr. high/high school, all the youth pastors thought they were so cool for preaching on sex but they must not have realized that if you preach on the same subject every week, we will start to tune you out until you sound like the adults in Peanuts cartoons. “Wah, Wah, Wah, Wah...” The youth group speeches went more or less like this:

“Your virginity is the most precious gift God has given you, and the worst thing you could possibly do is give that gift away too soon. If you have sex before you are married, you are robbing your future spouse of that precious gift. Not to mention, you won’t even be able to look that person in the eye you had sex with. Nothing messes up a relationship like sex. Sex brings guilt, shame, and separation from God. Sure, God will forgive you, but you can NEVER undo what you did. When you have sex, God considers you and your partner as permanently attached to one another, even if you marry someone else.”

I got so tired of “Just say No to sex” sermons that to this day when I see someone wearing an “I’m Worth Waiting For” button, I want to form tackle them. I always thought that a good sermon ended out with the message of salvation. However I was surrounded by youth pastors who thought a good sermon should finish off with “Five reasons to stay out of the backseat."