Chapter 7: Church: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

A Chapter by Amy Black

Saturday, August 05, 2006

how do I go to church?

Tomorrow is Sunday. Everyday since I have been alive, Saturday night means go to bed at a decent time because Sunday school starts at 9:30. Despite being mad at God I still want to go to Sunday school. I like my teacher. She has been my teacher for many years and she has supported me and helped me all of those years. She has been real with us. She told us when she lost her temper at her dad's nursing home, when she was going through hell with a lawsuit she didn't deserve. When she met God all over again at a retreat and what she thinks of every political decision ever made. She cracks me up! I've never met someone so opinionated in my life and I love her for it. We dance at her annual Sunday school Christmas party and she orders pizza and jokes about how she hates to cook. So, yeah, I like Sunday school as long as she's teaching it.

I wonder if God is offended at me going to church when I'm mad at Him. I wonder what kind of example I'm setting for the teenagers at church, being mad at God and all. I think I can read the Bible as long as I read the children's version with the pictures and interactive questions. It's weird I know, but it works, so there.

So, how does one go to church when one is mad at God? Can one worship God when one is angry with Him?

I'll find out tomorrow.

I wrote that way back in the beginning of my struggle with faith. I still believed in God at the time, but I was very angry with Him because of some events that transpired in my life. On this Saturday night, I was back in my hometown for a few weeks before starting at my new college. I anticipated going to church like going to the dentist (and my dentist gives me nitrous to calm me down for a cleaning, so you can imagine!) But I was of the belief that I had a responsibility to go to church whether I felt like it or not, so I went.

A common question of emerging ex-Christians is: “Should I leave my church? What about my friends there?”

Relax. There are no hard-and-fast rules about whether you should stay at your church or not. I am still involved in a non-denominational church because it fulfills my need to socialize and I feel free to be myself there. Make no mistake, I never plan to be a part of the same type of church I grew up in, but I like this one, even though I’m not a believer anymore. If I ever live near a Unitarian church, I’ll try that out because it’s not a Christian church. You can believe or not believe in anything you want-they don’t care.

Before I found that this church, however, I endured some pretty bad ones. During transfer orientation at my new college, I learned about a Christian organization on campus that I’ll call FISH. It was the largest Christian organization on campus (keeping in mind that the whole college had about 2,500 students enrolled) and their main purpose was having weekly services on campus. I thought that might be a great place to meet people and find a social group to hang out with. At the time, I had no friends at my new college, so even eating in the cafeteria was intimidating. I am a very social person, and the thought of eating alone terrified me.[1] After hanging around the FISH house, hoping to be invited to their first service, someone finally invited me. “Phew!” I thought “At least I’ll know one person there!” This is where the happy part of the story ends. The rest of it was a disaster.

The girl who invited me turned out to be a very popular, friendly person, which means I barely saw her since so many people wanted to talk with her. The band was making so much noise practicing that it was difficult to talk to anyone since we couldn’t hear each other. I tried to meet people, really. A politician would be proud of how well I worked the room. I introduced myself to at least fifteen students that night, most of them natives of the FISH house, and none of them were interested in having a conversation. It was like being on a really bad date, except with a lot of people at once.

When the service finally started (15 minutes late, which feels like an hour when you’re a social leper), it turned out to be just like high school youth group, minus the fun games. Thirty minutes of popular worship songs, courtesy of the band, a sermon by the FISH pastor, and an altar call where a dozen or so students kneeled reverently at the front for about thirty seconds. And I got to see it all from the front row, since I had chosen to sit by the girl who invited me. As soon as the pastor Amen’d the closing prayer, I burned a path to the exit. Ironically, the last thing I heard FISH pastor say was “ Ya’ll regular members, look around and introduce yourself to the new people. Don’t let them get out the door without saying ‘Hi’ to them.” I was the first one out the door. The outside air smelled like freedom, and I vowed that I would never go back.

If[1] you happen to go to a friendly, accepting church, then I don’t see any reason you can’t stay if you want to! I was once a member of a church that was so friendly, that I didn’t even care that most of the congregation was retired and the music was ancient. They were a second family to me-what else could I want? Don’t feel bad about going to church if it makes you happy. There are ways to belong without believing.

Although I kept my vow of never returning to FISH, I discovered a Methodist place on campus that became a safe haven for me during the next two semesters. Not only were the people friendly, but they served us a free, home-cooked meal every Monday at lunch. And when I say “home-cooked”, I mean it was like Thanksgiving and Christmas all rolled into one meal. Every week, their kitchen was covered with food varying from casseroles, fruit salads, pasta, bread, vegetables, meat, pizza and desserts that equaled the size of the main courses!

I looked forward to Mondays because it meant lunch at the Methodist house. I didn’t even mind that someone preached while we ate. Usually, I was really interested in what was being said. Plus, it was packed so I never worried about eating alone. Although I thanked those people over and over, they probably have no idea how much a consistent, hot meal meant to me. It was one thing I could count on when I couldn’t count on anything else. On days when everything was going wrong and my beliefs were a mess, I would say to myself “Hang on, Monday is coming.” Because of that, I still think very highly of Methodists.

The other obvious side of this is, if you can’t stand walking through the doors of a church-if you feel isolated and alone there-or if some people there have rejected you because of your unbelief, leaving is totally understandable. My rule is, if the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving-then leave! A wise woman once told me “Don’t put yourself in a situation that is going to make you feel bad.” It’s some of the best advice I’ve ever received. If you would like to stay involved in some sort of religious rituals, there’s no harm in visiting a different place of worship.

For those of you with kids, your situation is very different because I’m sure you don’t want to uproot your family just to accommodate your changed beliefs. Surely, there is a way to compromise in which your spouse and kids may still attend church if they already do. Perhaps you could agree to go once a month, or only to see programs in which they are involved. That all depends on your family’s habits, the age of your children, and the level at which your family will accept your “Extianity.” If this is your situation, I wish you the best of luck. I am in no way an expert in families, so I would recommend reading a book on this subject by an author who actually knows what he/she is talking about.

If, for whatever reason, you find yourself going to church when you don’t really want to, perhaps for your spouse, kids or friends, do not despair, it doesn’t have to be boring. Here are some activities you can do to make your time at church at least bearable-if not enjoyable.

1. Create a Christian buzzword bingo card. Fill in each box with Christianese words or phrases, such as “personal relationship with Jesus” “the word of God” “righteousness” “blood of Jesus”-you get the idea. Every time you hear one on your card, cross it off until you have 5 in a row. Don’t forget to leave a free space!

2. Flip through the hymnal and mentally add “in the bathroom” to the end of the hymn titles. Examples:

Lord Send A Revival in the bathroom

The Lord Will Come in the bathroom

Lord I Want to be a Christian in the bathroom

God Give Us Christian Homes in the bathroom

(Yes, it’s juvenile, but funny nonetheless!)

3. Translate the bulletin into pig latin. It can be pretty unny-fay.

4. Use a pen to color in all the o’s in the bulletin. (but who doesn’t do that?)

Communion Sunday (you may call it the Lord’s Supper) is especially fun when you’re an undercover Extian. I discovered this when my temp church[2] took communion today. The pastor (who is ultra-serious) gave a somber speech about how unbelievers and unworthy believers should not eat the mini-cracker and drink the juice. I ask you, from the Christian perspective, what is the worst thing that could happen if an “unsaved” person partakes of the Lord’s Supper? If unbelievers are already going to hell, what do they have to lose? Would they go to hell twice? That whole policy is comical to me. I took part in the ritual just like everyone else today, and I have yet to be struck with lightening or cursed with leprosy. My guess is, if you’d like to blend in and do what everyone else is doing, it won’t hurt a thing.

Ultimately, your involvement in church is your decision. You may want to tell your pastor about your changing beliefs, but then again, you may not, and that’s your business. If you are the pastor, I suggest sneaking away by taking a nice vacation and never coming back. Or, even better, you could claim God has called you to the mission field in a far-away, exotic location. I hear Hawaii is beautiful year-around!

[1] . Before I went to eat my first meal in the caf, I stood outside the building and called my sister, who had graduated from a secular university. “Can I just go sit with anybody I want?” I asked her ”Because at Bible college, people who didn’t know each other ate together all the time and it was no big deal. Can I do that here?” She said I probably shouldn’t, but I did anyway.

[PFC1]. Before I went to eat my first meal in the caf, I stood outside the building and called my sister, who had graduated from a secular university. “Can I just go sit with anybody I want?” I asked her ”Because at Bible college, people who didn’t know each other ate together all the time and it was no big deal. Can I do that here?” She said I probably shouldn’t, but I did anyway.

[PFC2]Temp Church: a church you attend for a short period of time until you can go back to college and attend your real church.

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