Chapter 4: Going To Your Own Funeral

 

I have found that grieving the loss of my faith feels the same as when I grieve the loss of a friend. If you have found this to be true for yourself, don’t be embarrassed about it. Of course you are going to grieve when you lose something very important to you whether it is a person, a pet, a job, a home or a belief system. After any loss, there’s a hole in your life where something you loved used to be and it hurts knowing it’s not there.

 

How many times after my friend Claire died did I pick up the phone to call her, only to remember that there was no one there to answer? Every time I remembered, it hurt all over again. When I hear the song “My Girl” on the radio, it makes me sad because that was my friend Gracie’s trademark song. She committed suicide several years ago.

 

It’s these little reminders will prick your heart and stir up emotion even after you thought you had finished grieving. Just when you think you’ve moved on, an event can trigger a memory of your loss, and you can feel crappy all over again. There’s no time limit set on the grieving process. It’s different for everyone, but as a counselor once told me, “It will last longer than you want it to.”

 

Why does this hurt so much? Why is my heart hurting over this faith stuff like it does when a friend dies? Because, dear reader, someone has died: the person you used to be.

Remember the 5 stages of grieving? It might look something like this when you lose your faith[1]:

• Denial: “This is probably just a phase. What was I thinking? Of course I believe in Jesus!”
• Anger- “I hate everyone who taught me this crap! I hate god, I hate church, and I hate feeling like this!”

Here’s what the Anger Phase looked like for me:

I'm still dealing with anger and bitterness. This morning I was like, “God, I am mad as hell." It's not a phrase I would say in front of my parents but it's perfectly descriptive in a way that "heck" just isn't.

And you know what? I'm not going through crap, I'm going through....ok I won't finish that because don't think I have to.

 

Anger is such a normal part of grief that I dedicated a whole chapter to it. Irish blood runs through my veins so you’d better believe I know something about anger!

 

• Bargaining: “If God sends me a sign, then I will believe!”
• Depression: “Without my faith, life has no meaning. I feel empty and lost. What’s the point in going on?”
• Acceptance: “My life is different now, but I am happy. I have found meaning and purpose in other things.”

Change is inevitable and necessary for survival. Just as our earth has changing seasons, so do our lives. When companies, schools, institutions, or whatever dig their heels in and refuse to change, they sign their own death certificate. We've all seen it happen. And I'd much rather live differently than stop living at all. When it's all said and done, I'm thankful for change.

 

When I lost my faith, I lost a lot-including my plans for the future. It was shock to my system when I realized that my plans of being a missionary weren’t going to happen. I had to figure out what I wanted to do with my life! After seven years of looking forward to a career in full-time ministry, I really had to switch gears! When I first had this realization, the only thing I knew was I did not want to continue my education at a Christian college. That was it. I had no idea where I would go and what I would major in. If you had asked me any question about my life at that point, I would have answered “I don’t know”, as evidenced by the following blog excerpt:

I don't understand where I am or where I'm headed. I hope it's not something bad. It's just so new. It's weird not doing ministry or planning to be in full-time ministry. I've changed a lot and there's a lot I'm not sure about.

Along with losing a career in ministry, it has recently occurred to me that I don’t know what kind of family I want to have someday. It used to be so simple:

Step 1: Find a man who loves Jesus and doesn’t mind living overseas.

Step 2: Have 2.5 children and raise them in a Christian home

Step 3: That’s as far as I got

I think most girls have a check list in their mind of the qualities they want in a companion. I don’t have one of those lists, but I’m sure I can find one on the internet somewhere…

 

Dating is just one more area of life I’m no longer sure about. Once upon a time, I wanted to date a Christian guy, but now I don’t think any Christian guy would want me since we would be “unequally yoked.” He would have to be a very open-minded Christian, because I don’t want anyone “missionary dating” me. The open-minded Christian is an endangered species though, so if you meet one, send him my way! Anyway, I guess it doesn’t really matter what I want in a guy because no one is currently asking me out. That’s a depressing subject for another chapter. I think I’ll call it: “You’re perfect! I love you! You must be gay!” [2]

 

---

[1] Disclaimer: This is just an outline. You may experience these stages in a different order, or perhaps you will not experience all five stages

[2] Update: after writing this chapter, I actually asked out a guy who is a Christian. We went on a few dates, had a fabulous time, and we never discussed my spiritual beliefs, which was great! Maybe there IS hope for me!