The Outsider

Here we sat- David, his daughter, and me. The purpose of meeting tonight had finally come. The food had been cleared away. The mindless banter was gone, and here we sat waiting for the real reason for our first meal together. The elephant in the room came to life.

 

The girl stared at me, eyes unwavering. Her nose squinted up and her lips were puckered, reminding me of a raisin- yes, exactly like a raisin.  Never in my life had a six year old made me feel so uncomfortable, but here I was facing her. She pouted, and narrowed her eyes as if she wanted to cry. Not here, I begged, not now.

 

Every second the girl and I sat in silence, the tension in the room grew and soon it would be smothering. I started to plan my exit, carefully sculpting the polite words to say to get me out of this horrendous situation, but to no avail. I had to face the inevitable doom.

 

David sat next to the girl and tension, also, could be seen on his face. He was nervous. Seconds dragged on, each becoming endless moments of torture. I shifted nervously, trying my best to avoid eye contact with the girl at cost. I looked toward David pleading for him to let the moment end. At last, David looked down and cleared his through before turning to the girl.

 

“Lizzy, this is my new wife.”

 

The words struck silence, leaving no resonance of their memory, only muted air and a bitter taste. The girl’s eyes narrowed even more, peering into the depths of my soul, knowing that I did not belong- that I was the cause of the endless agony that took her father away. The girl, who sat across from me, would surely grow to hate all that I’d taken- her perfect family Suddenly, I wished to turn back to two seconds ago, when David and I’s secret was all ours and we were happy. I began to doubt if the love David and I had discovered could ever rekindle a family again. He had so often promised it would, but I had a hard time believing in happy endings.

 

The air grew tenser with each passing moment, and I wished to be far away from that dinner table and that night. The silence killed any hoped I had for the girl’s and I reconciliation. After a few moments I began to think the silence would last forever. But then wonder of all wonders, the girl across from me, lifted the corners of her mouth, to part them.

 

“Can I call you Mommy?”

Reviews

[icomeanon_13]

This is definitely an interesting read- I think you've got a great idea here. I did notice a few grammatical issues with your work. The most prominent being the use of the word "I" inappropriately. An example of this would be, "Suddenly, I wished to turn back to two seconds ago, when David and I’s secret was all ours and we were happy." This should be "when David and my secret." This particular issue occurred a couple of times throughout the piece, so I would suggest going back and correcting this.

From a plot-line perspective, I'm curious as to how she is married to David without every meeting his daughter. This seems a little odd. I would suggest providing a little back story (nothing major, just a couple of key plot points) to loop in the reader.

I also felt like you could have added a bit more of dinner to put the reader in the room with the characters. What were they eating? Were the plates china? Plastic? These kinds of descriptions really help the reader feel more close to the characters.

That being said, I wanted to read to the end, so you certainly have a good hook. A little elbow grease and this will be very good.

[Woody]

this is a nice little story. you're a good storyteller Angel. I love your descriptions too. the ending was a bit of a surprise to me (a nice one, that is). I was not expecting that.
good work!