Coarse love

An Attempt at Senryu--

Dark night hymns--
Dense thoughts, vulner'ble us
Imperfect love, coarsely held

Author's Note

Constructive criticisms are welcome

Picture courtesy - "Resilience" by Patricia Chudlo

Reviews

[Richard🖌]

Well, Dear Shweta ⛩

Your gorgeous artwork choice and imagination-catching title lend a perfect ambiance to this rather poignantly embracing poem in homage to an unkind love.
In but few words, you've set our very air brimming with deep emotion that anyone who's experienced such an upending relationship, will breath dark breath back into their sad memory.
Is this not what good poetry is supposed to do … make us think and feel?

As to the Senryu form, itself (I hope this helps): According to Western rules, the Senryu and Haiku are supposed to be presented in three 5/7/5 syllable lines, for a total count of 17; no capitals or punctuation, which I'm guilty of breaking … LOL!
The formal Japanese language is not syllablic, like English. Perhaps, most different from English is the timing of Japanese. English is a Stress-timed language, whereas Japanese is a Mora-timed language. Morae, though similar to English syllables, each gets essentially equal timing value in Japanese, though emphasized in different places in a written or spoken line; thus, a 17 Morea poem is referred to as Haiku or Senryu, whereas, a 17 syllable Japanese "form" poem written or spoken in English, is also referred to as a Haiku or Senryu … only the voice inflections of Morea or Syllables is placed differently when translated from Japanese to English, and vice-versa.

For instance, if your Senryu (as it is) were written in Japanese, it might be correct in Morea pronunciation; whereas, in English, it would be correct when written and recited in 5/7/5 Syllables.
This can be confusing to an English speaking person, as is our syllabic language to a Japanese speaking person.

If your Senryu were written properly, in English, it would be something like this:

dark night hymnal threads/5
weave dense vulnerable thoughts/7
flawed love coarsely held/5

Whatever, I love your Senryu, how it tugged my heart, and touched deep within.
You've a wonderfully poetic mind, Shweta. Thank you warmly for sharing! ⁓ Richard🖌

[Shweta]

Grateful!

I am sure this was one good punch somewhere in the gut though the attempt didn't quite come right from what I understand..Lol. I will surely try and understand what you have explained here Mr. Richard.

Dhanyawad for your visit and your review on my first attempt at this style.. 🙏

[FPW]

Reads to me like a love that is just hanging on and one which appears hard and rough on the heart and mind. I feel there is no such thing as a perfect love so your imperfection described means it is a love well grounded in reality. I have never attempted this form before so I can’t comment on that area except to say you have created a darkly stark description of love in just three short lines. I enjoyed your perception.

[Shweta]

Thank you. That's a good reminder... Love is imperfect. Appreciate your visit. 🙏

[Perdition]

If I were to iave myself over to this poem, and turned free, for a moment, accepting the style and form , I think I might lose myself in the depths such, sorrow, in the imperfect love. This too shall pass as now in the imagination of the opening line “Dark night hymns’…. “But then”…what is to be made of such a line where the depth of ch scars In the image”…”Dense thoughts” is this to be taken literal, as if the heaviness joins with the darkness .. the vulnerable in the collective and imperfect love. Is true hardship. Gathering into all that is painful. But why? Where did this moment strike?? Accepting life and love it’s just all that is human, but accepting that moment when love no longer obeys the ground of continuous love, but walks from the darkness into ,what is lost and now left to
suffer the hardships beyond.

[Shweta]

Oh yes.. to be lost and to suffer the hardships that's beyond.

Senryu as it demands, is made on the spot, which is momentary or such that describes as I understand it. So I think there's hope or maybe there's not. In any case, what kindles in you is what the muse intends. Or so be it..

Much appreciating your presence and your words here on my first ever attempt on this style.

Great weekend and happy days ahead to you young, dear poet.

[Perdition]

If I were to iave myself over to this poem, and turned free, for a moment, accepting the style and form , I think I might lose myself in the depths such, sorrow, in the imperfect love.

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful use of words. When we give our love to another. We can learn sweetness or we can learn sorrow. Love is a dangerous dance. Thank you dear poet for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[John Sullivan]

Short but succinct. A fine work of a style I have no knack for myself.

[Shweta]

Thank you!

[Chris Shaw]

Not the happiest situation. Sometimes it is better than nothing. Very well expressed.

Chris

[Shweta]

Thank you Chris! Appreciate you coming by and for your kind words :))

[Franky]

Goodness! So much is said in such few words. Wow

[Shweta]

Thank you Franky :))

[jacob erin-cilberto]

sometimes being with someone is harder than being without, but we just can't let go.
nicely done here...a Senryu with depth.
j.

[Shweta]

Thank you! :))