The Lies We Tell To Stay Together

A small reflection on the drama in my life right now

Its amazing how well we can lie to ourselves. We can make ourselves believe that everything is okay when, in reality, its not.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm great. Wanna go grab some ice cream? - The lie

No. I'm not okay. I've been piled on with enough homework to kill an elephant its so heavy. The boy I like likes me back, but he's got a girlfriend. My dad hates me, my mom sees me as the daughter she didn't want. I have to do what I should and not what I want. I keep on hurting everyone around me. Oh, and every day I am lying to myself thinking that everything will be okay, when in reality, its not. It just isn't! -The truth

Now to dissect that for all you readers.

Its the last two weeks until Culminating Tasks start, which means the homework is adding up, not slowly, fast. I'm expecting to break from all the weight sometime next week at the latest.

I learned what I wanted to hear: He won't leave his girlfriend for me. Why is that good? Because if he did, I would have had to say no and send him back to his girlfriend, which probably would have hurt me more. So I have worked so hard to start to not like him. I've tried to push him away. Hugging now seems so bad, so I stopped. I have to say no every time he wants a hug. I work on this happy, carefree mask so hard that it almost seems as if it isn't a mask at all. I feel like I'm getting over him. Then I see him, I falter. He talks to me, my lies crack and I realize that I've been lying to myself the whole time. I've been lying to everyone. And then when he walks away, like he usually does, or I walk away for him, I put on the mask as if there was never any doubt in the first place.

My father doesn't want me, he wants a perfect daughter, just like my mom. They both want perfection, though my mom is a bit more pleased with me now that I'm going to be working with food. My father doesn't even try to listen anymore. If he's wrong and I'm right, he denies it and places even more blame upon my shoulders.

I used to think what was right and what I wanted was the same thing, finally. No. Its not. They are different. But also the same. I want to do the right thing, but I also want to do the not-so-right thing. But we all know I'll do what is right.

By doing everything I'm doing right now, I'm hurting at least three people. Three people. At least! Who else am I hurting? I want to know, just so I can tally it up and know how many apologies I have to make.

I'm telling myself everything's okay. I'm walking around with a smile on my face, laughing with everyone else. I'm believing it too. And now I realize how freaking bogus all this is. I'm not happy, I'm torn. I'm not healed, I'm empty and numb, trying to fill the void with false feelings and lies until I don't know whats true and whats just another figment of my imagination.

And the solution that I've heard? Solve this all by myself. Don't burden others with these silly problems. Keep it all hidden and suppress everything.

I'm sorry. I am just not that strong right now, and I don't know if I can ever lie enough to make myself believe that I am strong enough.

But then again, I made myself believe a lot of things this past week. Maybe I can fit one more thing in the list to reconstruct before tomorrow morning.